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How long does it take after your divorce before you start to feel better? Like recovering from any loss or disappointment in life, the healing process is far from linear. One day, you might feel empowered and ready to start a kick-ass new life, and the next day, you might find yourself sobbing at your desk during work. One thing I can say for certain: You WILL feel better.
Someday, your divorce will simply be one piece of your personal history. A piece that sucked royally, to be sure, but also a piece that taught you something about yourself that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise. My divorce catapulted me back into my home state—into my parents’ basement, specifically—and I don’t know whether I would have moved home if not for my marriage failing. Now, I can’t imagine not living here, not being in close proximity to my family.
When I polled the readers of this site about their own divorce experiences, I asked them to quantify how healed they feel today, as well as how long it’s been since their divorce or separation. The “healing score” (kind of silly, really) was on a scale from 1 (I still feel like crap) to 5 (I’m better than ever). Here’s how readers rated their own healing:
2: Two months since separation
3: Nine months since divorce, one year since filing
3: Two weeks since divorce, seven months since separation, more than a year since things got rocky
4: One year since divorce, two years since separation, three years living apart because of military deployment
4: A few months since divorce, one year since separation
4: Ten months since divorce, twenty-two months since separation
5: Just over two years since divorce, three years since separation
5: About six years since divorce
I consider myself in the “5″ category as well, but it definitely took me a while to get there—probably two years or so. And some solid therapy. If you consider yourself in the “I still feel like crap” camp, know that the rest of us have been there. It can feel like things will never get better—like your love life, your finances, and your self-esteem will never bounce back—but they will. You will.
*****
Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
A while back, I asked readers to weigh in on the following question: In what ways has your divorce affected your current behavior when it comes to dating and relationships? The responses that you submitted varied greatly, from feeling as though divorce has taught you what to avoid, to having lingering issues with trust. Your answers no doubt depend on how long it’s been since you and your ex parted ways and other circumstances about your split.
The #1 way that divorce has affected my current relationship is that I see marriage as less of a “destination” and more as an ongoing (hopefully lifelong) process. It’s not about the wedding; it’s about the day-to-day life that you build with someone who is your friend, partner, and lover. You’re not stuck together—marriages can be undone, after all—but if you’re lucky and you work hard at it, the two of you can create something worth sticking around for.
Here’s what the rest of you had to say about how divorce has affected your relationship outlook:
“I’m more comfortable with me. I’m more willing to speak my mind.”
“I am desperate to avoid the same pitfalls, so I overthink everything I say to my boyfriend. I am overcautious not to be ‘unfair’ to him, and I obsess over making this one ‘right.’ He’s patient, but he does have to tell me, ‘Hey, I’m not him, and this is different.’”
“I was bitter for awhile, many months. I went to a wedding a month after my separation and I hated being there. I thought the whole ceremony was a fraud, and I was in an unhealthy mental state at that point. When it comes to dating, I’ve been very cautious. I’ve done my best to make sure I don’t have a ‘rebound,’ but I’ve met someone amazing. I was friends with him before my marriage fell apart, and after my separation, we became better friends. Suddenly, I realized he was my favorite person in the whole world. We are extremely compatible and mature. If anything, divorce taught me how to think rationally about relationships. I’m taking everything very slowly.”
“I won’t repeat the same mistakes twice. I have learned so much from my divorce and past marriage and I apply them all the time to my relationship with [my boyfriend]. It’s making us much more successful!”
“I don’t commit and cling right away. I am getting out there and meeting different people. I feel like you won’t know who Mr. Right for You is if you just bait and hook the first man who gives you attention. I try to work an equal balance between my career, son, friends and men! It is definitely a challenge. I admit, though, that I have been seeing someone for about five months now and he and I both feel ready to be a bit more serious. Fortunately, he also is divorced and understands why I want and have to be careful.”
“I appreciate all of the big and small things my 2nd husband does for me. He does such an amazing job of respecting me, and it’s wonderful. I ain’t ’bout to forget it!”
“I was told unexpectedly one day by my husband that he no longer wanted to be married. The next month of my life, he wouldn’t allow me to touch him, wouldn’t sleep next to me, “forgot” to answer his phone, and would hardly come home at night. Trust has become the number one issue for me. I was married to a man who was the kindest, most loving, considerate, and trustworthy man. My family and friends adored him. He had high morals, good values, and loving traits. I, nor anyone else, would ever have suspected him of cheating. However, he did. And it hurt very, very bad because it was something so unexpected. I never saw it coming. So, I have a very hard time trusting people in my life. I feel I always will because you never know when someone will just ‘switch.’”
“I have found that I crave physical connection, not sex necessarily, but just being close to another man. The last week, I realized that I am rebounding, hard! That thought made me realize that I wasn’t wanting another man; I was wanting intimacy. So now I am trying to cultivate intimacy (not of the sexual nature) in my important relationships (mom, dad, brothers, best friend). I don’t know when/if I’ll date again, but I’m determined to be happy regardless!
*****
I Want to Know
- Do you have any advice for readers who may be feeling insecure in a new relationship?
- How about advice for readers who feel like they’ll never be able to trust another romantic partner again?
Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
Over the holidays, my mom and I saw Young Adult, the new movie starring Charlize Theron as a young divorced writer living in Minneapolis. Since I am a) youngish, b) divorced, c) a writer, and d) living near Minneapolis, this was a must-see. Plus, I am fascinated by the film’s screenwriter, Diablo Cody, who came into her own as a writer here in the Twin Cities and was also divorced before age 30.
The main character, Mavis Gary, returns to her hometown to try to steal her high school sweetheart back from his wife and new baby. Apparently, high school was a high point in Mavis’ social life—something I can definitely not relate to. Her divorce is hardly talked about at all in the movie, but there is a scene at her parents’ house when she discovers that her wedding photo is still hanging on the wall. Ouch. This very scenario happened to me at my grandma’s house, and Grandma couldn’t understand why I wanted her to take it down. I think she said something to the effect of, “But it’s such a beautiful picture.”
Diablo Cody talks about this very scene in a December HuffPost Divorce interview with Ashley Reich, and I was surprised by her perspective. “An immature person wants to move past their mistakes as quickly as possible,” Cody says. She thinks that Mavis is unrealistic to expect that her parents will get over her divorce on her timeline.
Was I immature to shudder at the openly displayed wedding photo at my grandma’s house? Maybe. Mavis’ parents respond similarly to my grandma. Her mom talks about how great the dessert was at the wedding, and her dad speaks fondly of her ex. And those things may be true—the wedding was probably terrific in many respects, and the groom probably was, too (or at least seemed to be at the time). But once you decide to get divorced, it’s a lot easier to just push all of that aside mentally, and when you’re confronted with evidence of the marriage, it can feel like a slap in the face—a big wow, you’re such a failure.
It’s taken me several years to get to the point where I can think of my failed marriage (and my ex, for that matter) in shades of gray. My ill-fated wedding photos no longer hang in any of my relatives’ homes because frankly, that marriage is no longer relevant to our lives. Things change, people move on. But that chapter of my life can’t be erased from memory entirely, and that’s okay, too. There were good memories leading up to the bad ones, and for better or for worse, the entire experience made me who I am today.
*****
I Want to Know
- Can you relate to the wedding photo scene?
- Did your family have a hard time accepting your decision to get divorced?
Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
Today’s guest post is from Phenom, a young woman and mom who is still going through the divorce process. Enjoy!
*****
The day I knew it was over was a beautiful fall day in Northern Virginia. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It was warm and sunny and totally perfect. The weather was mocking us from the start.
We had taken our son, just 13 months old at the time, to one of those fall festival-type gigs at a local farm about thirty minutes from our house in one of the more the rural suburbs in the area. The plan was to have a fun family day of a Saturday and just enjoy one another’s company. Pet the animals, drink some apple cider, eat some fried dough, and maybe bring home a pumpkin or two for carving. I was giddy with anticipation of all the fun stuff we were going to do as a family as I packed the diaper bag (alone) and loaded up the car (alone).
While I got myself and our son ready, my husband dragged his feet, asking me childish questions like how long we were going to be there and if there was going to be food. I’ll admit that I didn’t handle his sour mood on top of his not helping to get us ready all that nicely. We had been in marriage counseling for four months at this point and at our most recent session, just 3 days prior, he had made promises that he pretty much was already breaking with his bad attitude and reluctance to help out. Needless to say, I was angry and tried my best to just trudge onward and upward for the sake of our son. I wanted to go to the festival with my husband and son. I wanted to be that family. I wanted the sunny Saturday without the fights and without the doom and gloom. But he was already raining on my parade…so, I yelled. I’m not going to pretend that I was the perfect spouse or parent that day.
We got over the initial fighting somehow and made it to the farm without too much yelling at one another in the car. Our son didn’t nap because of the arguing, but at least we weren’t screaming at one another upon arrival. Right? At least we made it there without the car being turned around and us throwing the towel in on the whole plan. Right? This is the type of self-dialoguing I was used to at this point when things between us were bad in front of our child. I continued the rationalizing in my head as I unloaded the baby, his stroller, and his bag while my husband moped around in the backseat on his Blackberry.
Well, as you can probably guess by now, the whole day was a bust. We argued the entire time. I kept trying to push the “day of fun” on him and our son, and he kept moping and resisting every effort I made. He paid more attention to his Blackberry than me or our kid. I don’t even think he noticed how beautiful the weather was or how much fun our son was having running around and playing. Every time we spoke, we argued. And this time it wasn’t just in front of our son, it was in front of anyone and everyone around us. At one point, my husband left me in the corn maze alone with our son to finish it without him. At another, I left him at a food service booth because I couldn’t stand to be near him for one more second. We couldn’t even pick a pumpkin without fighting, so we left without one.
While we stood in line for the corn maze behind multiple happy couples holding hands and being affectionate with one another and their children, we argued over whether or not our son should wear a bib and if he should walk or sit in his stroller. While we ate lunch next to a family of six where the mom and dad spoke to one another with compassion and cooperation as their four children screamed and wiggled out of their seats creating chaos, we argued about what I had brought for our son to eat and why he shouldn’t just eat crap from the concession stand. We basically watched most of the people around us enjoy the beautiful day, with their kids and with each other, while we each wanted to die from the misery of it all. It may have been sunny for them, but for us it was the darkest day yet. I remember thinking to myself how grateful I was that our son was too young to notice our bad behavior, let alone let it darken the fun he was having on such a gorgeous fall day.
On the ride home, we barely said a word to one another. I would like to think it was because we didn’t want to wake our son who, after such a long day, was finally napping in his car seat. But I know that we didn’t speak because both of us knew it was over for real. Finally. We knew it because we had just spent an entire family outing hating one another in the presence of family fun experienced by everyone around us. We couldn’t even pretend to be happy for our son, let alone for each other.
I knew I had to leave after that. I just had to. I knew that our innocent son deserved the warm and sunny days over everything else. He was so young. He is so young. He doesn’t deserve to grow up with a rain cloud over his head because his parents were so utterly dysfunctional. I had to get out. I had to save him from the never-ending, always-building storm that had become our day-to-day lives. I had to leave before it was too late. Before he was sucked into the dysfunction too, and before he ended up forever scarred by it. I no longer wanted to be the family that we actually were. We would never be that family that I dreamed of. It was over. The dream was over.
*****
Thanks, Phenom, for the terrific post! This is the first Divorced Before 30 guest post from a parent, and I’m sure there are many people out there in unhealthy marriages who struggle with whether to leave because of the kids. Please visit Phenom’s blog, Starting Over Wonderful, and follow her on twitter at @OverWondeful.
Well, the holidays are in full swing now, so I thought I would share a bit more of the advice submitted by readers. Most of these insights are probably most relevant for the divorced “newbies” among us. Enjoy.
“Find at least one person who can be there all night to support you. If a conversation gets difficult, your support person can help you out of a bad situation. Also, it’s OK to leave the room. Go to the bathroom and cry if you have to; go outside and get some fresh air. If it gets to be too much, take a breather. Finally, have one-liners ready to say to people should they ask you about your divorce. Depending on the crowd, these one-liners could be short and to the point, sarcastic, or simple and nice.”
I think the idea of having one-liners ready is terrific!
“I didn’t have kids in my divorce, and my ex’s family was not involved, so very little changed after I got divorced other than my ex wasn’t with me. The most difficult thing was that my family felt the need to treat me with kid-gloves, so they “tactfully” avoided the topic, and as a result, basically ignored me altogether. It was annoying, and it made me feel like they didn’t really care to know how I was doing.”
I’m guessing that this person’s family really just didn’t know what to say. Sometimes, to break the tension, it might help for you to acknowledge what happened with one of those handy one-liners. What about saying something like, “This has been a really hard year for me, but I’m hanging in there. What’s new with you?”
“Lean on your family. They love you no matter what.
Meet up with old friends—people who knew you before you were married.
Make sure your current friends understand why you may not be attending their parties where your ex may be.”
Meeting up with old friends really helped me get through the first few months after I left my ex. One thing I did not have was a friend who had been through a divorce. My advice: If you don’t have a friend “in real life” who can relate, make some friends online! Try visiting the blogs of some of my guest posters and leaving comments and/or engaging with them on twitter.
Happy Holidays, everyone! I’m signing out until 2012 to take a little blogging break.
*****
I Want to Know
- How did Thanksgiving go?
- If you’re new to this divorce thing this year, how has the holiday season been for you so far?
Visit me at my other blog, emmasota, where I just wrote a post about how the holidays can be difficult, or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
Today’s guest post is from Ruby Leigh, a 27-year-old woman who married at age 24 and divorced at 26. While she lived with her ex before getting married, she wishes she had lived with him before getting engaged, too. Going into the marriage, she did have some doubts. “I really hadn’t been able to process them, though,” she wrote, “and never felt safe having that conversation with someone.”
She decided to get divorced when she realized that her rocky relationship was never going to improve. “I realized that sacrificing my love life and happiness for the rest of my life wasn’t going to do anyone any good, and potentially deal me a lot of harm,” she said.
Elizabeth Gilbert did “Eat, Pray, Love,” so I asked our guest blogger what three verbs helped her to recover from her divorce. “If I had to narrow it down to three verbs,” she wrote, “probably Eat, Run, and Love. I love food, running really helps me clear my head, and I’ve come to find a new love in my life (which I feel very fortunate for).”
Finally, I asked Ruby Leigh whether there’s been a “silver lining” of her divorce. “While divorce has been a headache for a variety of reasons,” she wrote, “most of my marriage was so difficult that the freedom that divorce has provided has really been a huge positive.”
Here’s what she had to say about dating after divorce.
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When I divorced last fall, I seriously entertained the idea of “being single” for a while and trying to do that super-duper independent woman thing. However, out of sheer stupidity or maybe just curiosity I signed up for one of those free dating sites. Most of my memories of dating pre-marriage are relatively positive, so I guess I figured I might as well have some fun.
The first date I went on was with this guy who I thought was seemingly “perfect”…I spent time oogling over his profile. He was a runner, a liberal, and had a good career ta-boot, wha hoo!!! But back on earth—not more then 20 minutes into the first date—he asks me three questions:
- Do you have a kid?
- Have you ever committed a felony?
- Have you ever been married? [Wha?!]
Gasping, I was like no and no…and yes. Apparently, having been married is on par with having committed a felony.
The date continued, and I’ll admit he was friendly enough, but I got the feeling that since I was divorced I was now a “used goods” kind of girl and all bets were off in terms of even pretending to maintain any display of being gentlemanly (or maybe that’s most men these days). He also said he couldn’t date me for this reason. It was mostly weird, to be honest, but it showed me that there is still a stigma around divorce. And honestly, while I can look at this story now and not take it personally… it really really stung at the time.
Another guy I met on this site was mostly a wild hair idea to begin with. He wasn’t “my type” but seemed like the kind of person who could hold a decent conversation. I decided to meet him for coffee and desserts just to see what would come of it. It was a nice time talking, but he didn’t “know wine,” he didn’t make lots of money, he didn’t run, and while we had a good time talking, I felt he was totally in the friend zone toward the end of the date. He offered to drive me home, and when he was dropping me off at the door…he sealed the evening with a kiss. It was such a surprise and a bold move, that I thought, hmm…, maybe there is more here.
Between date one and date two, we had a few solid conversations. Due to my experience with the other guy, I told him I had been previously married, and it turned out he was divorced too. Not something I would have been thrilled about in a previous life, but it was nice to find someone who understood. On date two, we chose to go to an apple orchard, which errs on the cheesy side for some—but I’m totally into the “having good clean fun” thing —so the fact that he game for this was a win in general. The seemingly shy guy I had met on the first date turned out to have a great sense of humor and kept me in stitches the whole time. I could tell then that he was honest, smart, and respectful. We’ve continued to date ever since.
I think there is a crowd out there who is quick to judge the individual who starts dating shortly after a long-term relationship, especially one as significant as marriage. Like maybe I didn’t take my marriage seriously, maybe I’m relationship-dependent, maybe I’m ignoring real problems, maybe I’m settling, and maybe I’m weak. While I can understand some of these sentiments and honestly welcome the dialogue, I just wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes (and I believe there are those who don’t).
I’m not saying this relationship is perfect, as I’m not one to proliferate notions of domestic bliss anyway…or that I will necessarily marry this man, but I am here to say I’m happy and my relationship past doesn’t have to dictate my future.
*****
How About You?
Have you felt judged by people you dated after your divorce?
Or, have you felt judged for moving on relatively quickly?
Thanks to Ruby Leigh for the great post! You can visit her at Foodalyst: Analyzing Food and Life and follow her on twitter @rubyleigh.
Visit me at my other blog, emmasota, or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
Today’s guest post is from the fabulous jobo!
*****
One of the biggest things I learned as I went through my separation and divorce was the difference between being alone and being lonely.
I found that as much as I feared being lonely, I was more afraid of being alone, and for how long I might theoretically be alone before finding love again. I remember how often my mind would just want to skip and jump ahead to the part where I was no longer alone and no longer hurting. To the part about being in love and looking back on the ‘bad’ as a distant memory.
It was the ‘fast forwarding’ in my brain to ‘the good parts’ that I think was more detrimental than actually just accepting my situation for what it was. 29. Divorcing. Short selling my home. Starting over…alone.…and, yes, from scratch, in just about every way possible, but the difference being seeing that as a positive. A mindset shift. Seeing my situation as an opportunity to shape my destiny, and who I wanted to be after all is said and done.
And truth is, had I not experienced being alone, I would never have learned how to be comfortable with being alone, not to mention actually embrace it. And embrace it I soon learned to do!
Settling into my very first apartment, living alone, also for the first time in my life…I remember looking around and realizing, wow, everything in this apartment? Is MINE. And ONLY mine. There is a huge sense of pride in that feeling, and to this day, I look back on that time in my life and am so proud of myself, for learning to live by myself, sleep alone (a scary thing to me previously!), and do things by myself. But that soon became empowering, and fun, and a way to step out of my comfort zone and push myself. Because every time I did that, got uncomfortable, I learned. I stretched. I grew.
And being alone, doing things alone and experiencing that? I never once felt lonely. Because I had learned to embrace being alone and saw it differently than being lonely. To me, loneliness can be more easily rectified than being alone. And if you are afraid to be alone, I firmly believe you somehow are more closed (than you think!) to those around you, potential mates and friends, even.
You gotta be comfortable with being alone in order to truly open yourself up to what you may want most…love and companionship. Once I truly embraced and loved being alone? I met M. And the rest, as they say, is history.
So, I challenge you…separate being ‘alone’ and being ‘lonely.’ Get comfortable with being alone. You’ll be surprised at what you learn.
*****
Thanks again to jobo, who was my first guest blogger back in July, for another awesome contribution! You can visit her at Determined to Be and follow her on twitter @jobo_determined.
Visit me at my other blog, emmasota, or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
Today’s guest post is from Gigi, a blogger and college student who is right in the thick of the divorce process.
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When I got married, I was sure he was the “right man” and my “soul mate.” Because at nineteen, I was CONVINCED I knew everything there was to know about love and relationships. We were going to have lots of babies and live in a charming house in suburbia; I was going to drive a minivan and sell Tupperware on the weekends. I was going to be the Lucy to his Ricky Ricardo. We were going to live happily ever after. The end.
What was I thinking?!
Let me rewind to about five months ago…
My “perfect man” had slowly, over the course of our marriage, revealed his true colors in a rainbow of major character flaws. How I didn’t notice these flaws when I got hitched is still beyond me. I could barely stomach looking at this man, let alone think about starting a family and growing old with him. I called my Dad and asked if he would still use his frequent flier miles to get me a ticket to visit home and take a break from my marriage…of course his answer was yes.
The moment my husband left my sight at the airport, I experienced this almost tingling, enlightening feeling of freedom. No longer would I have to put up with his BS! I felt extremely giddy and thought to myself, “Hmm…this is what getting out of a lifelong prison sentence must feel like!” That was the pinpoint moment I knew I could never go back. Now that I think about it, that tingling feeling I felt was me finally growing a backbone!
Over the past few months, I’ve been reconstructing my life. I now know that I can’t let a man or a relationship status define who I am. I have to be my own person, with my own identity. This is definitely a strange feeling because I always thought the “who am I?” phase (as well as my occasional acne flare-ups) were supposed to be finished by the time I graduated high school.
What is making me stronger is the fact that I now know that I can take control of my life. Divorce is giving me the best gift of all, a bit of wisdom. Because of this experience, I find myself seeing the glass as half full. This is just a little bump in the road. I’m glad I’m getting out of this relationship while I’m still young. One day I’ll find husband #2, and thanks to husband #1, I know what NOT to look for. I’ll be a better person instead of some wannabe 1950s housewife.
As for what my future holds, I don’t have a five-year plan per se, but I’m keeping my options open. Maybe I’ll live in a concrete jungle and climb my way to the top of the corporate ladder. Maybe I’ll open my own business. The other day, I had a totally random thought about joining the Peace Corps. Having the privilege to help people around the world would definitely be another life-changing experience.
So presently, at the ripe age of twenty-two, I am faced with filing for divorce. But y’know what? I’ve never felt better.
As it turns out, while Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez were a cute television couple, they ended up divorcing in real life. Oh, the irony!
*****
Gigi blogs at Lunacy and Best Wishes: The Chronicles of a Petite Hot Mess. I can totally relate to her “lifelong prison sentence” analogy. That’s exactly how my first marriage felt at the end.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Gigi’s great piece! Comments are always much appreciated.
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! Men are welcome, too! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Sometimes, the best advice comes from people who did it all wrong. I collected marriage advice for teens and college students from several people who were married—and divorced—in their 20s. Here’s what these been-there, done-that folks had to say about marriage:
“Wait. Just wait. Live with your love first. Just take the time to learn who you are first. And yes, it takes most of your 20s to do that.”
“Don’t rush into it. Don’t give in to the pressure of marriage and babies because everyone is doing it. Learn who you are as an individual and be happy with who you are. With that, you will have only great things to offer a relationship and marriage.”
“Pay attention to your gut! And don’t be prideful. I had a bad feeling once in a while, but I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone (I thought no one liked him, and I didn’t want to give anyone any kind of ammunition against him).”
“Wait…iron out the kinks first…go through a life trial. Don’t get hosed by tradition and think you can’t live together first. Don’t assume marriage will make you any happier than you already are.”
“I found my love at 20 years old. We were college sweethearts. Allow yourselves to get your first real job and work for a good year before getting married. I feel like once I got married, my husband (now ex!) didn’t know how to juggle his career and his marriage (along with many other things) all in such a short time span. Get into a routine with yourself before committing to another human being forever.”
Solid advice, kids. I’m noticing a trend here, and it’s WAIT, figure out who you are, and enjoy your youth. Everyone is different, and it’s certainly possible to embark on a successful marriage in your 20s, but it’s important to ask critical questions about your relationship before jumping into a marriage.
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I’d love to hear from you!
Do you have any advice to add to this list?
What do you wish you’d known about marriage when you were younger?
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! Men are welcome, too! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “Like!”
Thanks to everyone who participated in the survey on my last post. If you haven’t gotten around to it, there’s still time! Today I’m going to share some post-divorce holiday advice from readers who have been there.
I remember driving to Thanksgiving dinner alone five years ago—the first holiday after my divorce—and thinking how strange it was that the previous year, my ex was at the table, and now, he was gone for good. I was actually the happiest I’d been in a long time, but that first holiday was still an uncomfortable day for me because I worried so much about what other people thought.
Regardless of how supportive your family is, many people probably don’t know what to say when you’ve gone through a tumultuous year that included separation and/or divorce. Thus, your first holiday season is bound to be at least a little awkward at times. However, it can also be an opportunity to make a fresh start. Here’s what readers had to say:
“Don’t go through it without backup. I had to face my grandparents without any other family around, and due to weather I ended up eating Christmas dinner alone at a Waffle House. Don’t put yourself through that—find a friendly place to be.”
“EMBRACE it. The first holiday I had post-separation was Thanksgiving and Christmas. And as tough as it felt, I embraced the freedom of going wherever I wanted for family and friend parties and not having to also worry about in-laws and obligations I really didn’t want to go to…it felt wonderful, actually, to have the ability to go wherever I wanted and really enjoy the holiday.”
“Create new traditions that make you happy. I got new holiday decor. I changed up the holiday menu. It seemed to be about getting rid of the old memories to create new and happy ones.”
“Surround yourself with people who will love you and not ask you all sorts of questions. I went through a divorce right before Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I was lucky enough to be able to fly half-way around the world to be with my parents who showered me with love.”
I hope that some of these words will provide comfort to any of you who are about to eat turkey for the first time without your ex. It’s a good time for all of us to take stock and count our blessings, even in the face of trying times. Cheers to all of you! I am thankful for this little community.
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I’d love to hear from you!
What are you thankful for today?
What is your favorite part of the Thanksgiving feast?
What new holiday traditions have you started (or do you plan to start) since your divorce or separation?
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! Men are welcome, too! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “Like!”
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