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Dear Faithful Readers,
I’ve been struggling for a good six months to figure out what’s next for me as a writer. During the early days of Divorced Before 30, I had a ball telling my story, connecting with readers, and exercising my writerly muscles. I took about a year off to write my memoir, From Splitsville, With Love, and I haven’t had the same energy for this blog since.
Last week marked the seven-year anniversary of my first wedding day (I say first because I’m remarried now). The date holds some positive significance for me now (four years ago, it was the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter). This year, I honestly made it until the evening before I even remembered that it was also my former wedding anniversary. And once I remembered? I shrugged it off. Eh.
Since that day, I’ve felt increasingly sure that I no longer want to write about divorce. I’m glad that there are other fabulous women blogging and writing books on the topic, but I no longer want to be one of them.
Here’s how I see it: If you’re seeing a good therapist, you won’t need him or her forever. At some point, he or she will look at you and say, “Hey, you’ve got this.” And I think that’s true for me about this blog. It has served its purpose. I have reached my goals. I may not have found a publisher for my book, but I wrote it, and I’m proud of it. Someday, when my kids are old enough, I’ll let them read it. And not only will they learn something important about me, but they’ll also get to read all the juicy details of their parents’ love story. It might make them blush, giggle uncontrollably, or shout, “Gross!” but by God, they will know that they were born of love. And they will know how much I wanted them and how our little world clicked into place the night their dad and I first kissed.
Dear readers, I thank you for your support over the past three years. A few of you are personal friends who have never gone through a divorce. Thank you for reading anyway. Many of you are perfect strangers who have found yourselves somewhere you never thought you’d be—getting divorced at such a young age. Know that the best is surely yet to come.
All the best,
Emma
Today’s guest post is from Nicole Warner (@MezzoNicole). Thanks, Nicole!
*****
I secretly left my abusive ex-husband and fled a foreign country that had been my home for five years.
I knew I couldn’t stay and that was the only way I knew I had to leave. I was alone, penniless, terrified,
and getting a divorce at 29. I had hit rock bottom and it was only up from there…but not the way that I
thought was up. It was life’s way up.
#1: It’s up to you to take care of yourself. Tina Fey said it best in Bossypants: People will try to
fool you. My naiveté had increased during the brainwashing from my ex and I actually believed that
handsome colleague was genuinely interested in me. He wasn’t. I thought the lady who hired me was
going to follow through on her big plans. She didn’t. I began tuning into reality, which was what people
were doing, not what they were saying.
#2 Speak up! If you’re going to regret not saying something, you better well learn how to let it out of
your mouth. (I now have a bit of a reputation for speaking my mind. And that’s a good thing.)
#3: You must grieve. There was a lot to grieve, from my “marriage” to having given up my business in
Germany to every verbal and physical attack I’d ever been subjected to, and the financial abuse that
lead to me being penniless to having to flee a country I loved. I had to grieve the fact that I frequently
didn’t know how to help myself. I grieved the fact that I couldn’t find a job…in August of 2008. I even
grieved the fact that I had so much to grieve. It was not pleasant and it lasted a long time.
#4: When times get tough, you find out who your true friends are. And for this I am grateful.
#5: It gets better, but not how you think it will. I tried SO HARD to make my reality and my future what
I wanted it to be, ignoring what was right in front of me! Now I see things for what they really are,
accept things for what they are. I have less stress. I have more fun. I see what I can and cannot control.
My life has gotten so much better because I have learned to make choices based on where I am—to get
to where I want to go.
#6: You will feel everything much deeper if you’re learning from this process. Surviving domestic
violence, being divorced, and getting to know myself so well have led to a deep, emotional life that was
previously unknown to me. The smallest things create huge beauty, and the huge, scary things seem
less earth-shattering. I notice butterflies, the touch of a child’s hand on my leg, the small expressions on
people’s faces that tell you how they really feel. This is a deep, emotional life, and I wouldn’t miss this
for the world.
*****
To read more about Nicole’s story and (singing!) career, please visit www.nicolewarner.com. If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Would you be willing to talk about your divorce on television? If you live in the New York City area, check out the casting calls below.
*****
The Hud:sun Media executive producers of Bravo’s Pregnant in Heels are developing and casting a new television project titled Chapter 2 for a major cable network. This new series will feature 5 young and hip recently divorced men and women who are jumping into the dynamic and exciting world of being newly single—both personally and professionally—and are also enjoying the honeymoon to their recent divorce!
They are looking for BIG, BOLD and CONFIDENT characters who are open to sharing this new and life-changing journey with the American audience. All characters and all stories are welcome!
Are you a recent divorcee and loving your new found freedom? Then email SEPIMAK@GMAIL.COM with your name, a recent photo and phone number. Here’s a bit more information.
Note: This show may be looking to add another city, so if you don’t live in NYC but think you’d be a great fit, contact the producer.
*****
MAJOR NYC PRODUCTION COMPANY IS NOW CASTING IN THE TRI-STATE AREA: WOMEN AND THEIR EXES FOR A NEW DATING SERIES!
Are you a woman between the ages of 25 & 45 who has recently ended a long-term relationship, but remain close with your ex? Are you and your ex ready to start dating new people? Do you think you would be the perfect matchmaker in finding your ex a new girlfriend and potential wife?
Are you a man who is ready to jump back into the dating pool and thinks your ex would be a perfect fit for this opportunity, we want to hear from you!
Whether you are recently divorced, but remain best friends with your ex or have parted ways after years of dating—if you are ready to move on from your past relationship—we want to hear from you!
For more information or to nominate a couple, please email us with your name, phone number, location, a brief description of your situation and a few photos of yourself and your ex. We look forward to hearing from you!
PLEASE NOTE: We’re not only looking for ex-couples, we’re also looking for out-going, single ladies who’d like to go on a date with our bachelor!
Email: Meghan at MEGHAN.GRIFFIN(AT)LEFTFIELDPICTURES.COM or DATEMYEXCASTING(AT)GMAIL.COM
Phone: 212-564-2607 x 2365
$5,000 FINANCIAL HONORARIUM IS OFFERED PER EX-COUPLE and Single Ladies cast as the “daters” will receive some compensation
*****
Readers, if you’re interested in either of these opportunities, act quickly! Wishing you a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Hello, friends! “Divorce Brain Food” will be an occasional feature here as I start to write less about my own divorce experience. The original tagline for this blog was “How I Made Friends With My Brain and Moved On,” and I wholeheartedly believe that part of that healing process is feeding your brain with helpful messages. So here are a few pieces I found in the past week or so that might fit the bill.
Need to change some emotional habits? Buddhist coach Bindu Wiles quotes Emerson and asks, “What sort of effort are you making in your life?”
Tired of talking about what you want? Self-actualization guru Amber Rae tells you to “Want Less, Will More.”
In a mess financially? Mom and personal finance visionary Molly Muñiz says, “Making the journey back to economic freedom will require perseverance, discipline and sacrifice.”
Need some perspective? Journalist Neal Justin writes about a new Sundance Channel reality show about four women “too feisty to throw themselves a pity party.”
Want to tell fear to f*ck off? Life writer Emma Wilhelm (wait, that’s me!) asks, “What are you afraid of?”
*****
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Today’s guest post is from “Not Your Cute Daisy,” who split up with her husband last October and just got divorced this month.
*****
I woke up the same as many other mornings, alone. I had to go into his bedroom to wake him for work; I was going to Church. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, and I could not take it in. I dropped him off at work and drove off. I knew that I had to make my decision that day. I had barely stepped into Church when I started crying. This was not God’s design for marriage. My fear in the decision was not a marriage failure thing—for me, it was disappointing God. Needless to say, when I tell people my decision was made in Church, they look at me like I’m a loon…
I was sobbing my heart out while those around me were partaking in praise and worship. My heart was bleeding and the pain was physical. Suddenly, all went still inside me and I had a moment of pure peace and calm. I received the following words: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Suddenly I knew that I was going to be okay. From that moment, I had pure peace in me. I went home, did my usual thing, spoke to my friends and started thinking about all the technical details. I started splitting the furniture and worked out a budget for both of us. That afternoon I went to pick him up at work and decided that that was as good a time as any to talk. We locked the shop doors, and I said to him, “It’s time.” He agreed. Both of us were extremely calm; both of us had tears in our eyes. We got home, I told him about my ideas of splitting and budgeting, and we were very clinical about what needed to happen. Even then he did not attempt to salvage what was lost. Even then he did not attempt true emotion or regret for the ways things had gone. Even then he did not come clean on the many truths that found their ways to my ears, much to his despair. Even then he did not say goodbye to the girlfriends…*****
Thanks for the great guest post, “Daisy!” I did a lot of crying in church before leaving my ex-husband, too. I’ve written previously on “ Religion and Divorce,” and I love to hear other people’s perspectives and experiences on this subject. If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Today’s cross-post is from Liz Lobster, blogger at tata20s.
*****
Driving home from the city tonight, station-hopping the radio, I came across a local station’s music program for the evening: Best-ever Break-up songs. Yup, they were taking requests.
Hopped on my phone for a bit of Blackberry-Roulette (don’t tell my parents!), and texted in a couple of requests. The nasty stuff, ya know. All from my “Wallow” playlist on iTunes.
*Phone rings*
Caller ID with area code from all the way ‘cross country…
Strange.
Turns out the local radio station wasn’t broadcasting all THAT local tonight, and Mr DJ had decided to give me a call:
“Hello, this is DJ Blah-blah from La-la FM. Whom am I speaking to?”
“This is Liz Lobster.”
“You requested Cee Lo Green’s song “Forget me?” Could you just stay on the line for a bit so we can chat with you…”
“I’M NOT GOING ON AIR!!!”
“Why not? We just want to ask you a couple of questions about your break-up…”
“No thank you. Privacy and sensitivity issues.”
“We won’t ask you any embarrassing questions.”
“Don’t care. Thanks, but no thanks.”
“But…”
“Good bye.”
(click “end call”)
Here’s the thing:
Today was the day on which I updated my Revenge Strategy. I’m talking Revenge on the Ex. It just sorta happened, you know.
Until recently I believed that—and was often quoted as saying—“The best revenge is looking good.”
To my surprise, I learned this morning from a source that my ex-husband (with whom I have very little contact) is indeed driven mad with regret…not so much because of the fact that I’m looking better and happier than I ever have…but because of the kindness and grace I’m still showing him on the few occasions we do have contact. Word on the street is that it’s hard for him to know that he let such a great girl slip through his fingers.
So, in Five Simple Points, I came up with some thoughts on Post Break-up Revenge that I wanted to share with all ya all:
- Work at getting back to your pre-bitterness, kind, sweet self. A break-up or divorce can drive you to do and say nasty things. Reality check: by being bitter, the person you are hurting and spiting the most is YOU!
- Rediscover your own identity, your own interests and passions. Chances are that you sacrificed a lot of these things thinking it would please your ex. BORING! Get down with exploring the world of music, art, literature, sports, hobbies…redefining your identity (Read: moving on) is sure to drive him insane.
- Make a point of not discussing your ex in a negative light in the public sphere. Sure you need to vent and rage about the injustices he/she’s done you to your close friends/a therapist/your mentors. But here’s the thing: your friends don’t really want to read Facebook status updates about the bitch your ex cheated on you with. Nope, we don’t want to know that you caught them together in bed (on returning to her place unannounced to collect your stuff), and that her new bf has a real tiny *#&@. Do public insults and rants make your friends rally behind you? Not so much. More likely they’re a bit embarrassed and sorry for you. More importantly: it just makes your ex feel relieved and glad that they got rid of you. Unless that’s what you were going for…?
- Find ways to regain your confidence. You are awesome! Just because. You don’t need a partner by your side to make you worthy. Yes, starting a career in Serial Dating and Rebound Relationships and rubbing it in his/her face is beneath you, girl/dude! All that does is to get you stuck in a cycle of bad relationships. Confidence comes from being content and happy with yourself, and having ambition to build the character that you value.
- Focus on a goal outside of yourself. You always wanted to make a difference in some area—now’s your chance. Not only will it keep you focused on a positive goal, but there’s also a load of confidence that comes from knowing that you’re making a contribution somewhere in society.
- Looking gooooood! Oops, that’s number six. But I can’t leave that one out. So here it is: take care of yourself. Get into shape, lead a healthy lifestyle. Block out temptations to self-harm. Starving yourself will only lead to your friends pitying you, and a cranky you. Repeat often: “I will be good to my body.” Nothing says “I’m okay without you” like a healthy, balanced lifestyle.
Moral of the story: hatred, self-pity, self-harm, and nastiness only generate feelings of pity, embarrassment, and distance in your friends (and your ex). The biggest loser: YOU!
Nope, we want the ex to woefully think of us as “the one that got away.” The one that was too good for them. The one they didn’t really deserve.
Without having a personal Revenge Strategy Planning Meeting, I’ve started working on these points. It feels good. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m looking goooood (IMHO).
Also, revenge is not very high up on my priority list anymore. Actually, I’ve decided not to spend any energy on that purpose. The joke was on me: I’ve rediscovered my self—the self that wishes no one any harm.
Yes, my ex-husband seems to regret what he’s lost in me. But the truth is that I only wish him happiness.
Maybe I should forward him my thoughts on Post Break-up Revenge?
*****
Thanks to Liz for sharing this post with Divorced Before 30! If you didn’t catch her first post here, “There’s an App for That,” go check it out!
Readers, Liz wants to know: What post break-up revenge strategies have you employed? How did that work out for you?
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
As agonizing as the divorce process can be, most of us come out the other side with relatively little permanent damage. In fact, after we’ve had time to gain some perspective, many of us feel that we’re actually stronger than we were before.
I’m (mostly) in that camp. In fact, I’ve been trying to decide whether it’s time to stop writing about divorce—whether this blog has run its course. My everyday life has little to do with the topic. I’m busy chasing kids, working full time, and trying to eek out a few hours of sleep in between. In essence, I’ve recovered. And yet, I realized this week that there is one sneaky lasting effect of my divorce: indecisiveness.
I don’t trust myself to make decisions. This mostly applies to big, life-changing choices, but sometimes it’s just the stupid little things. It feels more comfortable to let someone else decide, and honestly, I’m missing my most recent therapist right about now (it’s been nearly four years since I last saw her). Do I need to go again? Maybe—I don’t know. I can’t freaking decide!
Why do I attribute my indecision to my divorce? Because in hindsight, it’s so clear that I made the wrong decision when I decided to marry my ex. It was a HUGE decision, and I made the wrong choice. The self-defeating part of my brain extrapolates that experience to other areas of my life, and then WHAMMO, I am paralyzed by the inability to choose a course of action. I tell myself that I suck at making decisions.
One thing is clear: I need to make a decision about next steps for this blog and my unpublished memoir. I simply don’t have enough energy to do everything I want to do right now. In my heart, I want to move forward, but my brain has me making my way through the labyrinth still.
*****
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Right after my divorce, it was pretty hard for me to “keep my chin” up, as they say. Hold my head up high? That took months, and in some ways, years.
This weekend, I went to my hometown with my parents and one of my brothers to attend a fundraiser for the wrestling club that my three brothers participated in for years. My dad was a coach, too, and I spent hours of my youth watching wrestling practices and tournaments. The smell of wrestling mats will be with me for life.
At the fundraiser, which was held at the small-town golf club, I ran into my former piano teacher, my middle-school principal, several people from my high school class, and of course lots of my brothers’ teammates and their families. Isn’t it funny how people look so different and yet exactly the same? And how you can remember people’s names after you haven’t seen them—or even thought about them—for twenty years?
As we were driving home, I couldn’t believe how relaxed and happy I felt.
“You know,” I told my family, “I used to hate running into people from high school.”
“You mean right after your divorce?” Mom asked.
My divorce hadn’t even crossed my mind. “Well, yeah, but even before that, too. But now it’s totally okay. Fun, even.”
What’s the difference? I simply know who I am now. In high school, I was really involved and probably seemed to fit in, but I wasn’t really comfortable in my own skin. I don’t think I really came into my own until I moved home after my divorce. After going through something so epic in my twenties, I had a totally different perspective about who I was and what mattered to me.
For a while, it really bothered me that I might be judged for being divorced, but I came to realize that I didn’t really care. And you know what? Most people didn’t—don’t—really care. Life happens. Every family has its drama, and your divorce news will only be an interesting tidbit of gossip for so long.
Going home has never felt better, and I wish the same for each and every one of you.
*****
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Today’s guest post is from Aubrey, a 27-year-old woman who recently went through a divorce.
*****
I blame Bikram.
I’d just spent a year in Iraq, not wanting to come home to face the music. I cried secretly in the bathroom as I reread bookmarked pages of the now-cliche Eat, Pray, Love and wondered if I could ever bring myself to end my marriage. Failed attempts at marital counseling had led me to binge eating and retail therapy, pacifying my guilt for even contemplating the d-word. I sought quick happinesses to quench my perpetual sadness.
My friend, Laura, had a free pass to her Bikram yoga class. Knowing how depressed I had become, she invited me to join her for my first-ever yoga experience. In a freaking SAUNA. I went, and I nearly passed out just from standing in the room for an hour. I felt physically sick, a manifestation of how I’d felt for nearly two years.
I don’t know if it was the cleansing effect of the yoga, or perhaps a dehydrated hallucination, but everything became clear to me. I thought about the six years we’d spent together, in reality nearly five of them spent apart. We’d married young, wanting to be stationed together in the Army, and then grew up and apart, independent of one another. We became so different we didn’t speak the same language. The spark was gone, and we were both in a state of utter denial. I craved a connection I’d lost, knowing it wouldn’t come back to me again. Finality.
That night, I asked for a divorce. I couldn’t stand the heavy silence anymore. I couldn’t cry; the hot yoga had sucked all moisture from my body. Maybe that’s why I was able to articulate without breaking into sobs.
I’ve never attempted Bikram again.
*****
Thanks for the great post, Aubrey! Readers: You can follow Aubrey on twitter, or check out her fun blog, Adventures in Aubreyland.
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
Today’s guest post is from Liz Lobster, who describes herself as an Über-Bookworm, Writer, Clown, Philosopher, Realist, Idealist, Cynic, and PANK (Professional Auntie with No Kids). She’s recently divorced and about to turn 29.
*****
So, this past week I had the extremely satisfying opportunity of advising my ex-husband to invest in a certain iPhone app (see picture). Nope, I’m not a cruel *#&@ just waiting for a chance to get back at him. He really walked into this one…
Sunday morning. I return to my car after taking a run on the mountain trails…and there’s a missed call on my phone from my ex-husband.
GWR, as he is now labelled on my Caller ID. STRANGE, haven’t heard from him since the divorce…both of us going our separate ways as one is fortunate enough of being allowed after a divorce when you don’t have any kids together.
Confused, I return the call but get no answer. So I text: “You were trying to get a hold of me?”
As I plunk myself down in my bff’s kitchen, getting ready to help with the prep for our Sunday lunch, I get the following text reply from GWR:
“Was just missing you wildly. You were one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it *#%& out. I guess it’s post-drunken-blues talking here…”
BACK STORY:
At this particular moment in my life I am running mountains, partying the night away, trying to get over the fact that my best guy-bff (now labeled as Judas Iscariot on my caller-ID) has just decided to hook up with the Wicked Witch of the Western Province…AGAIN!!! Like really? She’s screwed YOU over before, she’s screwed ME over before, and that goes for pretty much everyone we know. And yet they “have developed feelings for each other again.” SERIOUSLY!!!
Lamenting and mourning the loss of this bff (this acronym sounding quite ironic right now), while anxiously awaiting “national kick-a-ginger-day” to get in a good dose of Schadenfreude at the WWW’s suffering (VERY desperate for revenge, because let’s face it; Ginger-discrimination is a load of nonsense made-up by people without lives of their own), while translating Sicilian curses into English and then appropriating them for effectiveness on a woman… (“May your fingers turn into fishing hooks, and your balls start to itch…,” I say no more), thinking that I’m NEVER going to get over this…
I get a text from my ex-husband, essentially telling me that he now realizes (MUCH TOO LATE) that I’m the bee’s-knees, and that he is missing me. Wildly.
Goodness, what a reframe. While my ex-husband is moping around at home thinking of me…I’m already heart-broken over another man…
Another man who will also, given time, realize that I am Wonder Woman…the best thing that’s ever happened to him. It will be too late by then. But I will have moved on with my life, and will hardly remember him.
Smacked in the face with this realization resulted in me CRACKING UP and folding over with laughter! Was obviously forced to share the story with my long-time girlfriend who was chopping onions at the kitchen table at that moment, puzzling over the ‘Toronto blessing’ that had suddenly overcome me. And then…we both ended up rolling on the kitchen floor with laughter… Literally. Washing the floor with the tears-of-laughter streaming from our faces.
My reply to GWR: “Ha ha, MUST BE post-drunken-blues. My advice: go have a little lie-down and wait for the feeling to pass. Also, there’s this iPhone app I’m highly recommending…”
*****
Thanks to Liz for the guest post! Please visit her at her brand-new blog (you’ll find this post there as well), tata20s: saying farewell to my twenties.
Your Turn
- Do you have any similar texting stories with your ex?
- Do you know anyone who could use this app?
In case you missed it, I was recently featured in a great article on YouBeauty.com: “Young and Divorced: How to Bounce Back.”
If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”
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