After my parents and I swept the floors and took out the trash, we bid adieu to the rental house I had shared with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Mom, Dad, and Tucker headed west for Minnesota, leaving me alone to wrap up loose ends. My divorce hearing would be held at the county courthouse the next afternoon, and I was grateful to be spending the next two nights with my church friends, Julie and Jodi.
Julie, Jodi, and their five-month-old son, Reuben, lived in a gorgeous “green” home that they built using straw bale construction. It was full of repurposed materials and personal touches, including kitchen counters made from chalkboard slate they salvaged from an old schoolhouse. The stuccoed walls were stained with earthy shades of matte clay paint, and the quiet room I stayed in was a deep red that was counterintuitively calming. With its wide open spaces and accents of marvelous wood, the home—much like its owners—emanated warmth and character.
On Sunday night, I sat and talked to Julie and Jodi about the last few months of my marriage. I had largely kept quiet while in the fray, as opening up would’ve meant admitting to myself how bad things had gotten. So I recounted bits and pieces of the hellish summer, my escape to Minnesota, and the divorce process. Julie and Jodi were curious about all my name-changing, and I explained that it was relatively easy, since it’s built into the marriage and divorce documents.
Before they had Reuben, the two of them decided to create their own family name—rather than choose between their names or hyphenate, they crafted an original name out of words that had significance for them. It was shocking to hear how much it cost to have their names legally changed. It hadn’t cost me anything—beyond the fairly modest cost of a marriage license—for the “privilege” of adding John’s last name to mine.
In my humble opinion, U.S. marriage law could use some work. The legal aspects of marriage should be entirely separate from the (many, wonderful, diverse) religious traditions associated with marriage. I got married in a church, and guess what?—the pastor didn’t officiate, or even attend, my divorce, and the church didn’t offer to help me work through the end of the union. How was I supposed to reconcile my “I do” with what I was about to do, which was go to the courthouse and take it back?
Technically, the legal and religious aspects of marriage are quite separate, but people don’t seem to get that. If your church doesn’t want to marry certain people, well, that’s just fine with me. But your courthouse should provide equal access to the legal contract. All adults should have the same opportunity to enter into what might become a phenomenal marriage, a complete nightmare, or some middling form of coexistence. All couples should have the same shot at making it to their “golden anniversary” party—to eat cake, surrounded by their progeny, in a house full of memories. Matching cardigan sweaters optional.
Maybe this is a radical idea, but I also think it should be a tiny bit harder to get married and a great deal easier to get divorced. Currently, it takes a hell of a lot more time, money, and paperwork to get divorced than it does to get married. Sure, weddings are ridiculously expensive. But you don’t have to throw a lavish party to get legally married. The current laws make it easy for a man and woman to get hitched quickly (Vegas, baby!) and painfully difficult for people who can’t afford a divorce attorney to free themselves from what are sometimes terrible situations.
Can I get an “AMEN!?” At the very least, I hope I can get an “I’m trying to understand where you’re coming from, sister,” because life is more rich when we attempt to see things from another perspective.
After the heavy conversations with Julie and Jodi, I went to bed with an equally heavy heart and a self-help book. (Believe it or not, someone actually wrote Chicken Soup for the Divorced Soul. But that’s an aside, and it’s not the book I read.) Sometimes, when life feels impossibly confusing, it’s reassuring to wander around a bookstore in search of written respite. So with my latest find in hand, I snuggled into the soft bed in Julie and Jodi’s red room and read and prayed and cried and slept. In that order.
This is the point where I am right now… Divorce date was this week, judge was very condescending and decided that I should go back in two weeks. Somehow I have a feeling he is taking pity on my soon-to-be (hopefully) ex, who did not bother to pitch up for the hearing. It was the worst feeling standing there and realizing that a moment that was supposed to sever the legal tie, would continue for another two weeks because the judge was not happy that I did not go the legal representation route… My heart was bleeding, until it dawned that this does not change me as a person or alter the path I’m on. Just another offence thrown at me that I was not willing to hold on to.
Oh, how terrible! It will all be over soon! Hang in there!!
$28 dollars for the license and a hand shake with the JP and we were married.
$3500 later and I’m finally divorced…and still paying his truck insurance for 8 more months.
It stinks.
The whole cruddy lot of it stinks. And for someone who has thousands of religious reasons says they won’t “live” with someone without marriage – my tune has certainly changed.
Over the last year, I realize how marriage and divorce are religious and emotional things. That piece of paper means NOTHING to me anymore. If I marry again – it may not be of the “legal” nature – but it WILL Be a marriage of my heart.
Katie´s last [type] ..Movin on Up – To BlogFrog AND Twitter!
amen!
well said…
I’ve always thought that marriage licenses should be like drivers licenses. If you don’t renew them, they simply expire.
I love this idea! I’ve never heard anyone suggest this, but it’s so true.
Hi Emma, I know this post was a while ago, but just catching up now. In many countries in Europe, it is like that, the civil and religious are entirely separate. Having a religious ceremony does not make you legally married, you have to do the civil one.
AMEN!
amen. over and over and over again, amen.
Dear Emma,
It’s so enriching to read your work. I have said this to you before – we didn’t know each other for very long, but it was real and meaningful for both Julie and me. Julie and I are thrilled that you have found new love and family as everyone deserves the chance to be happy and to be able to fulfill their dreams. Cheers to you and your wonderful writing. Oh yea, hey Pete :}…it was great to spend time with you too. Your work is inspiring too. I love meeting parents of friends…it’s just fun to connect the dots. Reuben is now almost 4 and what an incredible journey it has been thus far as parents.
I look forward to the upcoming entries Emma….get some sleep:)
peace,
Jodi
Thanks so much for your support. It’s great to be in touch with you again!
It is heart warming to see such support for the concept of equal marriage under the law! I’ve been enjoying your blog, Emma, and appreciate the kind words.
We so enjoyed having you visit, (even though the circumstances were difficult for you), and miss seeing you. I am thankful that life has turned around for you in such a wonderful, positive way. Bravo! I also appreciate your bravery in tackling such a controversial topic. I couldn’t agree more with your sentiments.
I know–I was thrilled with how many comments this post got. The topic doesn’t seem to be controversial with my readers!
Reading your post, I fluctuated between admiring the strength of your observations, and despairing that somebody published a “Chicken Soup for the Divorced Soul.” But it was mostly admiration.
Ha! You are so funny. People are out there making a living writing “Chicken Soup” books!!
Well said, Emma. I think there should be a civil service to get legally married and that should be open to all, regardless of sexual orientation and then, for those that wish it, there can be an additional religious ceremony subject to whatever provisions and criteria that particular religion/sect wishes to impose. But separate the two.
I think divorce is easier in some states than others. Was going to court your only option for getting divorce? Thankfully my ex and I were able to agree to everything and we didn’t have to go to court.
Thanks, Mandy. Yes, I had to go to court. I’m certainly learning from your blog that everyone’s experience with divorce (and marriage!) is different!
As one of those who are denied civil marriage and as someone who has been divorced twice and widowed once, I say amen sister!!! I still cannot believe that Americans, AMERICANS, deny rights to anybody!
I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it?! Thanks for stopping by, and I’ve just added you to my google reader!
Great post. My first marriage was a spur of the moment thing and ended in disaster. Luckily I met a wonderufl man and my second (and last, FYI) marriage is wonderful. I believe that marriage is a commitment between two people and gender doesn’t matter. What matters is the love and dedication that the two individuals have. Yep, marriage should be harder to enter into….but it should be the same for everyone.
I’m so glad that you have a wonderful second marriage. Hopefully everyone who goes through a divorce learns something about him- or herself and about marriage in general!
Great post, I totally agree!
Stopping by from SITS to say hi.
Thanks, “Mama!”
AMEN! I agree…marriage and divorce are civil actions – if one wants to celebrate that civil action with a religious ceremony, great. BUT it should be something that is an equal right – a civil partnership.
ps. keep up the great work!
Stopping by from SITS . . . I was also divorced before 30. Remarried now. My church was very supportive of my divorce, I feel very lucky. They sent me flowers, and my pastor was available to talk any time.
I’m glad that you had that support! I might have had similar support if I had stayed in one place, but I moved twice in a year and therefore lost my community along the way. I’ll check out your site, too. Thanks for visiting!
How brave of you to post this blog. I am quite sure many women are going through the same thing who find some healing in your words. A very good friend of mine has just begun this journey. I will send her your link.
Stopping by from SITS.
Glad to have you stop by. I checked out your blog. Stay warm!
AMEN!
AMEN!
Ya. Been divorced twice. Suckishly hard. I just made up that word but you know what I mean. You should have to jump through major hoops to get married.
And you are right. EVERY one should have the choice to live happily ever after or be miserable. I so agree.
Can I also say that couples should have to get a license to BREED? I mean- my daughter is perfect in every way, and I’m a good mom but SOMEONE should have stopped my ex husband from fatherhood. You should have to pass a test. Seriously. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Anyway.
The “license to breed” part of your comment has gotten quite a few laughs.
…at the risk of horning in on Emma, in the USA, marriage is a civil action. Pastor’s, priests, rabbis, immams, and others, can be licensed to perform them. If their churches think it’s a big deal, then fine. I don’t know if either marriage or divorce should be more or less difficult, but they should be the same for sure.
Thanks for weighing in!
Oh, I forgot – Amen!
Ahhh, good one Emma!
I hope you are on board with this blog adventure, Julie and Jodi. I got to meet you for a part of a morning while Reuben was on the way and I’ve just assumed you’re as great parents as home makers/builders.
AMEN! I couldn’t agree more.