During grad school, a slightly older man (maybe all of 30) showed some not-so-subtle interest in me. He was a good-looking guy and was a friend-of-a-friend, which is always a nice perk in an at-least-I-know-he-doesn’t-have-a-criminal-record kind of way. BUT. As soon as I heard the D-word, I was out. Divorced was a deal-breaker.
In my 24-year-old opinion, there was something very unromantic about dating a man who had already donned a tuxedo and said “I do” to the supposed love of his life. He had to be deeply flawed, right? Either he was morally weak in any number of ways, or he was a poor judge of character who had latched on to a cheater or a complete nut job. And I’m not sure which scenario seemed more damning.
What scared me the most was his high potential for baggage. Lord knows I had enough of my own, and I didn’t need to fall for a guy who sent his ex-wife a monthly check or had pictures of her—formerly their—beagle in his apartment. Nor did I want to stumble upon a wedding video while looking for his copy of Good Will Hunting.
Five years later, I felt the weight of the world’s judgment and acknowledged my karmic due. I certainly shouldered some baggage from getting divorced, but I was still me. Except now, when morning light freed me from my nightmares, I practically danced a jig on the way to the coffeemaker. I had a second shot at life, and hell if I wasn’t afraid to use it.
Baggage? Absolutely. But I had collected some lovely pieces along the way, too. Like perspective on what really matters to me. Greater appreciation for my friends and family. The knowledge that unconditional love often comes with a tail. The guts to listen to my heart. And two sparkly bands from Tiffany & Co., which once hocked, might just cover the cost of my divorce attorney and my ex’s COBRA health benefits.
I envisioned a violent eBay war in which some very pragmatic dude wins those little robin’s-egg-blue boxes and plots an equally sensible proposal. You see, the dude isn’t superstitious; he scoffs at the notion that a ring unwed is tainted. To him, it’s simply a phenomenal deal on precisely the ring that his sweetheart has circled in magazines she’s tossed conspicuously about their apartment.
As I photographed my rings to list them on eBay, I sent up a cosmic “sorry” to the guy who didn’t make it past my deal-breaker list. He deserved more than to be labeled as used goods, and I hoped that he’d found himself a partner who made him happy—preferably someone smarter and better-looking than his ex-wife who, as it turns out, was a royal cheat.
Hi Emma–
I too am going through what you went through. I suppressed my fears and worries and did the next logical thing that I thought to do — and I married and am still married to a great guy. For two whole years I pushed down those feelings and didn’t address them. Didn’t want to admit that I was not happy, I was not ready to be married — and that despite the fact that he is a great person — he might not be the person for me. I too have learned not to judge. I had been cheated on and swore I would never do it. Turns out I did and it was just what I needed (however wrong) to realize that I cannot live my life unhappy and that I’m not doing my husband a favor either. So while I don’t condone cheating, I will never judge anyone unless I too have been in their shoes.
I’m hoping your blog will give me strength and I journey into finding out what is right.
Thanks for your comment, Shannon! I am sorry you are going through this. I hope that you will find some peace and clarity very soon.
You have a great site- and it’s better (I think) to be divorced young than to realize you’re not in love later on
I’m following you now- stop by my place when you can.
I read recently about whether or not being divorced should really be considered “baggage”…it was really inspiring to read, so I wanted to share it here!
“I mean, I want to think at this age I can kindly say “I was married really young and when the two of us grew up it was over.” Without having to worry about appearing as baggage – Why do so many sites and resources try to tell me how to reveal my baggage?
I don’t have baggage, I have experience from my marriage like when I finished my masters, bought a house, etc etc – what baggage? Doesn’t everyone from a long term relationship have the same baggage? Wouldn’t most people have a long term relationship under their belt by my age?”
Totally. But a lot of people who haven’t been married don’t really “get” that. All kinds of so-called baggage shapes all of us, often for the better! Thanks for sharing.
It’s interesting how things change with time. Had you been in your 30s and as yet not married once, you would’ve found that “divorced” would be viewed more favorably than never married and female and in your 30s.
There are all manner of judgments, most of which we learn to toss aside as we get a bit older. If we’re smart enough to take the time to know an individual, rather than a label, which captures little of the real experience of a person’s life.
Just discovered your blog. Good stuff.
Thanks for visiting! You’re totally right–thank God most of us learn to be less judgmental as we get older.
Good luck finding someone who wants to marry a divorcee!
A cautionary tale, huh? SITS sent me by, and I’m glad they did!
Blizzard of 2010: Speechless
Good luck w/ all that snow!
I used to have “divorced” as a deal breaker. And then I met John. So I understand about being young and judgmental.
Once again, Hmmmmmmm. Is this the guy who sort of aspired to have a criminal vocation but certainly not record? Does that mean anything weird? Or, perhaps I shouldn’t have even brought it up.
No. Not that guy. I forgot about that. Yes, folks; I once dated a guy who thought, philosophically, that it would be a fun idea to rob a bank. Luckily, he didn’t think it would be a good idea logistically.
My mom used to tell me that I should never marry a man whose parents were divorced. Then she and my dad divorced.
What did that make me…? Smarter.
You’re a good woman, Emma!
You ARE a smart woman!
Thanks, darlin’!
I never thought of you in any negative way. I just thought you were wise. Whereas, I am ashamed to say I have judged a friend of mine who has been divorced three times from women who treated him badly. What was he thinking? Every case is different.
I hope your friend can avoid being treated badly from now on! Some people don’t realize that they deserve good things in life.
Funny, I used to think of being divorced as “labeled” as well, or too much baggage, but now that I have been through it, I respect those that are divorce and have a good outlook on things now, ya know?
Yes, I totally agree!