Life offers ample opportunities to feel not good enough, and I had a fair amount of practice before getting divorced. I don’t have particularly low self-esteem, but I didn’t make it out of my youth unscathed. Who does? Getting divorced inspired a whole new level of insecurity—one of acute moral self-consciousness, and it was so much worse than hating my bangs.
About five months after my divorce was final, I returned once again to the chapel where I got married. This time, it was for my nephew Ethan’s baptism. I adored the baby, and I wouldn’t have missed his special day for the world. But it wasn’t any easy day for me.
I gave myself hell during the service and the reception: Your little brother, the former keg-stand champion, has found stability, marriage, and parenthood, whereas you are divorced and living with Mom and Dad. Oh, and look at your nephew’s godparents. They’re young, engaged, and in love—right on track for happily ever after. Will anyone ever see you as the stable godparent type? Etcetera.
I was so flooded with feelings of worthlessness that the irony of the situation was lost on me entirely. I had just witnessed a sacrament of cleansing and new birth, one where the forgiveness of sins is central, yet my mind was awash in guilt and negativity. When life’s plans go terribly awry, it’s so easy to focus on what you don’t have or what you’ve failed to do.
In retrospect, it’s clear to me what I could have seen that day: That we are all inherently worthy. Other people, society at large, and our own brains try their damnedest to tell us we aren’t good enough. It’s our job to fight back, to fight for each other, and to give the little ones in our lives the tools they’ll need to fight the good fight. At the end of the baptism, the pastor lifted Ethan in the air for all to see: Ethan Donald, child of God. A tiny human being. A squeaky-clean slate. Hope in a diaper.
[...] Ethan had been taken by ambulance to the children’s hospital. It hadn’t been just a stomach bug and dehydration after all. I had trouble processing all the information my dad was sharing, but I knew I’d heard “brain,” “bleeding,” and eye damage,” and it was like a bad dream that just kept getting worse. Ethan’s diagnosis was unimaginable: Shaken Baby Syndrome. Oh, God. No, no, NO. I threw myself down on the futon as I tried to wrap my head around the idea that someone had willingly hurt a child. A child that I loved dearly. Our little hope in a diaper. [...]
brilliant, emma. as usual. you even make kicking your own @ss sound beautiful. and pete’s post – that is one of my all-time favorite quotes. i’m considering making a needlepoint of it for my daughter’s room. words we should ALL tell ourselves and others.
Thanks, Rachel! You are one crafty mama. I don’t think I’m capable of needlepoint. I can’t sit still long enough! But yes, the quote would be awesome on the wall!
Thanks for this, Emma. I always need good reminders to go easy on myself
It all starts w/forgiveness. And forgiving ourselves for not being perfect is the place to start. Easy to say, hard to do!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I like that you tell the story to record how you were feeling, but with the added element of what you’ve learned, or how you’ve grown.
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Hope in a diaper. I simply love that phrase. I find your memoirs to be so real, witty and with it. THank you for sharing.
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Thank you! I just visited your blog. Very cute site!
Very well stated. I like your blog and am bookmarking it to come back later. Thanks for being part of the blog jog today. I’m @writersinthesky on Twitter. Give a yell and I’ll follow you back.
Thanks! The blog jog has been fun!
Great post! Stopping by from SITS for the first time. I’m sure it won’t be the last
Hi Emma, I’m here from SITS. I’ve been roaming around your blog and have really enjoyed your posts! I hope that you are having a fabulous weekend so far.
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Once again, at the risk of too much on your blog, this post probably resonates with more of us than it doesn’t. I immediately thought of the Nelson Mandela inaugural speech, and include this excerpt in the interests of your readers who don’t know it. Powerful stuff – your post and Nelson’s!
“We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I love this quotation! I recently learned that Mandela was actually quoting Marianne Williamson’s book, A Return to Love.
i liked this one. a lot.
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Thanks!
I struggled with this one for a good long while.