When I landed in Minneapolis, I went straight to see Ethan. I’d never been inside a children’s hospital before, and as I walked through the hallways toward Ethan’s wing, I was strangely saddened by the cheery decor. Why do kids have to get sick? I met my parents in the waiting area, and it seemed as though they’d already spent a few months getting to know the place. The 48 hours had seemed more like 48 days, but the news was good.
Ethan was being examined one last time before being released, and his doctors thought he would make a full recovery. He would need ongoing follow-up appointments, and he still had some minor issues with his eyes, but he would be okay. And the best part was that Andy and Hilary had been cleared in the case, so Ethan would be able to go home with them.
Ethan would obviously not be going back to daycare. In fact, the home daycare was shut down because of the investigation. So, Andy and Hilary had to scramble to find childcare, and the grandparents really stepped to the plate. Hilary’s mom, also known as Nancy or Grandma Nana, would come from Louisville to care for Ethan for a few weeks. Then, each of my parents would take a month off of work to be full-time grandparents. My mom had the summer off anyway, so she’d be with him until August. In total, that bought Andy and Hilary four months before they’d need to come up with a new childcare arrangement.
My brother and sister-in-law had been through so much in the last year: bed rest, pre-term labor, the NICU, and now, this. I felt terrible for them. And my poor parents. They’d been through the wringer, too. Not only had they experienced the scare of Ethan’s injury, but they’d also worried an awful lot about me during the end of my marriage and my divorce. Loving people is damn hard work. Sometimes, there’s very little we can do to protect the people we love. And yet, most of us are quite willing—eager, even—to go on loving.
It was April 2007, and while my family was still recovering from Ethan’s injury, my life was in an upward spiral in many respects. I started my new job the day after Ethan got out of the hospital, and the next weekend, Tucker and I moved in with Megan. Josh and I hadn’t talked much about living together again since his lease would go through August, but he’d recently brought it up in front of my girlfriends. A few days later, I’d received this e-mail:
…speaking of how important you are to me, I also wanted to make sure you weren’t too freaked out by what I said about your/my/our living situation when we were over at Daniela’s. We haven’t really talked a ton about it, but I really could see us living together quite happily in the not-too-distant future and just wanted it to be on the table. Bringing it up like that in front of the girls was maybe not the best way to put it out there again, but my brain was not functioning correctly due to all the beer. Yeah, yeah—that’s the ticket. Since we haven’t discussed it at length, I’m not sure what your feelings are on the whole issue. From my perspective, I’ve always thought it was a pretty huge thing (i.e., kind of a test run for being married—I mean, what’s the difference after that?), but at this stage in my life it seems less huge and just more of a natural next step. That probably has a LOT to do with how comfortable and happy I am with you, so hopefully you take that as a compliment.
What?! He always thought it was a pretty huge thing, but now it seemed less huge? I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I tried to take his word that it was meant as a compliment. Whatever he was trying to say, I did like the idea of a “test run.” I hadn’t lived with John until we’d already set our wedding date, and Lord knows that didn’t play out very well.
Now, I’m not saying that cohabitating before marriage or engagement is right for everyone. Hell, some people still call it living (say it in your best Dana-Carvey-as-the-Church-Lady voice) in sin. But as a recently divorced woman, it made a ridiculous amount of sense to me. In the past year, I’d learned a lot about love, about marriage, and about myself, and I knew that if I ever got married again, it would be different. If I ever got married again, it would be because I already felt married, he already felt married, and—what do you know?—it worked.
I found your blog via google when I searched “divorce late twenties”. Your blog has given me some peace as I’ve stuggled with divorcing my husband of a year and a half. He’s battled alcoholism and being without a job since before the wedding. I’ve taken him back a few times. Ashamed and scared of losing him. Your blog has give me some insight on not allowing this anymore. I thought all of this was behind us, however after a beautiful vacation to our beautfiul wedding spot it unraveled. He was back to his dark side. I told him the last time would be the last. So far I’m strong but still scared of the good side coming out and I forgive him. I hope to read more posts soon to keep giving me the strength.
Oh yes and I’m a telecommuter as well. Well like you were.
Wow. That sounds really hard. Yes, there are many similarities in our stories! I hope you have some good support to help you through this. Only you can decide if you should divorce him, but it does scare me to hear you refer to his “dark side.” My best advice is to listen to your gut, and to try to look at your situation more objectively. If your best friend was in your shoes, what advice would you give her? Hang in there. Remember that you deserve to feel safe, loved, and appreciated.
I agree so much with the comment: “Loving people is damn hard work.”
Especially if you really want to do it right.
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“Loving people is damn hard work.” That line made me cry. When truth is stated so succinctly, it’s powerful.
I am very relieved to hear the good news about Ethan, and your thoughts on cohabitation brought up all kinds of memories. I moved in with the man I would marry about 7 or so months before our wedding date. The red flags were abundant, but we proceeded. He became an ex about 8 years later. No hard feelings (at least, not at my end). Some partnerships just are not meant to be. Or, as with the Gores, they have a remarkably long shelf life before they stop working.
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Ah, nice to know there are other smart women out there who got married despite red flags. Looking back, I’m not sure how I let it happen. I was very shocked to hear about the Gores, but I can only imagine how stressful their life together has been!
What a relief! I’m so glad that Ethan will make it out of this with no lasting damage!
Ha! I think Josh was paying you a HUGE compliment! Of course, living together is a huge step … but what he meant was, he now thinks of it as less intimidating and scary, because of how comfortable he feels with you.
You’re probably right, Jane. I have a tendency to worry! This is a good example.
I’ve been on pins and needles since the last, worrying about Ethan:) Glad to hear he was okay.
I actually didn’t see the point in getting married- we already lived together, it wasn’t like anything would change except my last name, WHY BOTHER? Except it mattered to him, so we did it… And NOTHING changed, which, I suppose is the whole point and that is GOOD. But I LIKED being able to say we were living in sin
HA! Nothing wrong w/ living in sin as far as I’m concerned. I’m glad to hear that nothing changed!
I’m glad Ethan was ok. I seem to remember the news story about a daycare with a Shaken baby a while back…maybe I’m thinking of Ethan? Either way I’m glad that she was shut down.
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I don’t know if it made the news, but it did go to court, so I wouldn’t be surprised.
so glad ethan is okee. SO glad. yay!
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Thanks, c.c.!
That’s the same reasoning I used to get John (MY John) to live with me! I’m very lucky that he agreed.
It’s darn good reasoning!
I’m so glad Ethan was/is okay. It’s hard to know who you can trust. I remember there being videos played on constant loop when I had Megan (my oldest). One was about leaving the child in a safe place to cry while you went in the other room and composed yourself. There is no excuse when it comes to harming a child, especially a baby.
And I can see how, from a guy’s perspective, living together is huge. Yet, when it feels right they tend to want to just jump right in. Obviously, I know all about living together before marriage. I’ve been doing that for 10 years now. Not much longer now. I’ve got a tentative date set for August. Now we’re just praying my mom hangs on until then.
I think it’s so exciting that you’re tying the knot after all that time. I hope you’re enjoying the planning, but it sounds like kind of a stressful time if your mom isn’t well.