On the evening of July 3, 2007, I sat in a movie theater in Uptown Minneapolis, stuffing my face with popcorn. If I hadn’t left my husband in August, it would have been our two-year wedding anniversary. The previous year, John and I had taken his kid brother and sister camping over the Fourth of July weekend. Things were so ugly that we couldn’t have pulled off a civil anniversary on our own, but the kids had created a much-needed buffer.
One year later, that life felt like a strange—mostly bad—dream. And, in fact, I still had the recurring nightmare that I was trapped with John. Lately, it had been a variation in which I’d actually married him a second time. The dream had no real plot. I just sat around wondering how I could be so dumb.
Roughly nine months after my divorce, I was experiencing a new phenomenon: a former wedding anniversary. I came to see the musical Once with Josh and our friends, Chris and Corri, and it took me on an unexpected emotional rollercoaster. The two main characters, an Irish guy and a Czech girl, are musicians who meet by chance in Dublin and form a strong connection through singing and playing music together. It turns out that the girl is married, which seems terribly unfair. Juxtapose fate, longing, and soul with duty, resignation, and reason, and there you have my conundrum with this movie.
I hated Once, even though I was assured that it’s actually terrific. Josh and our friends adored it, and they loved the soundtrack so much that we went directly to Cheapo Records to buy it. I, on the other hand, didn’t want to hear those songs ever again. I couldn’t shake the chorus of “Falling Slowly,” a haunting song that was woven throughout the story:
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now
When Josh and I got in the car, I cried in silence. It was impossible to explain to him why July 3 made me feel so awful. The feelings had been there, but the movie had brought me to the brink. All break-ups are hard, but there are certain scars that are unique to divorce. I’d walked down an aisle, danced a first dance, and honeymooned on a beach. It had been public and official, yet fragile nonetheless.
When I’d found myself in a sinking boat, I’d realized how much I valued my life. The boat wasn’t salvageable, but I was, and I’d chosen me. Selfish? Maybe. Unheroic? Perhaps. But I’d abandoned that ship decisively. Perhaps my former anniversary would always feel a little sad—I suppose that’s natural—but I didn’t need any “help” feeling like crap from a movie. No, in future years, I would insist on seeing a comedy.
*****
Blog Housekeeping
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I’m leaving soon for a much-needed vacation (a westward road trip), and I don’t know whether I’ll have internet access. If I’m unable to post in the next ten days, rest assured that I’ll be writing!
i am doing some much needed blogoir catching up, and this was a really good one to read. i remember when we were all talking about once a few summers ago, and it’s always good to hear ALL of the opinions and feelings that are underneath the surface.
I’ve enjoyed reading through your blog today. I’m happy to hear that you are moving on and finding happiness in your world. I’m sorry that part of your path through life included a marriage that didn’t work well for you, but I’m proud of you for realizing that and making a fresh start. I find irony in the fact that you married John on July 3rd. I married Jon on July 3rd and we recently celebrated our 11th anniversary. I hope your former anniversary begins brings happier moments for you now and in the future. Just think about the good that came from the marriage…like the trip home after you left him and connected with Josh.
I’m a little slow, but finally got it. Or, maybe I’m imagining things. Anyway, all I can hear now when I see this post title is The Little River Band from about 1982.
Crappy anniversary baby,
Got you on my mind,
…and so forth and so on.
i think anniversaries are always a time when we remember our past and think about how it went, its painful as well as sad and in some cases even frustating!!
My first wife and I were married on Nov 22– I remember cause it was the same day as the anniversary of JFK’s Assination. My second wife and I got married on May 15 and her birthday was May 13– that was always easy to keep track of. If we would have stayed married this would have been our 28th anniversary. My current wife and I were married on Dec 13 and this year will be our 13th anniversary. I usually don’t even think about my old anniversaries anymore until a few days after they’ve passed. They’re just dates that mark the beginning of something that culminated in sadness.
Lee
Tossing It Out
Arlee Bird´s last blog ..My Life As A Televison Show
I agree with Auntie Suta, why do we attach so much significance to a day? The day, whether it is a birthday or annivesary just happens to be the day you embarked on your journey. Surely the point is the journey and not the fact that you started it?
Have a lovely holiday Emma, hope the weather is as gorgeous there as it is here.
This is really interesting. Even with things going well, the memories and emotional triggers are going to be there. Have a great time, and enjoy the heck out of THIS July 3.
BLissed-Out Grandma´s last blog ..And Terwilliger Bunts Another One-
such powerful words, emma. i stole them today and sent people over. i hope you have a fantastic trip!
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OH, you are the best!!
Great post. I had never considered the concept of a former anniversary. What an extra burden.
As an aside, I have never seen “Once” and can safely say I never will.
Thanks, Dan!
Enjoy the road trip!
Thanks! I most certainly will.
I hated the movie Once, too. I thought there wasn’t much there and the music was extremely repetitious.
I have all kinds of anniversary feelings. There is the Sept 20, wedding anniversary. The October 18, anniversary of our “healing ceremony” and then in December will be the anniversary of actually moving out. Why do days have such power to bring joy or hurt feelings? I don’t know, but I try to look at it like the Mad Hatter who explains about birthdays. We all only have one birthday a year, but there are another 364 days to celebrate “unbirthdays”.
At one time I was going to get married on my 18th birthday, mainly to get away from my parents. I actually ran away from them and my fiance and for many years I would celebrate my birthday with an aside of this is 3, or 6 or however many years that I am not married to Alan. Or how many years I would have been divorced from him.
Sorry to have hijacked your blog. Have a great vacation. You deserve it!
Auntie Suta´s last blog ..Parties or Petunias
It’s not hijacking–it’s participating in the conversation! I especially like the “unbirthdays” concept. Happy unanniversary to you.