The autumn months of 2007 brought much happiness for me and Josh, but a few growing pains, too. We both loved home ownership, and even Tucker the Lab mix was jazzed. He had a beautiful new yard to rule, complete with a plentiful population of rabbits. Together, Tucker and I learned the neighborhood the same way I’d always explored new territory—on foot. Whenever I got out my running shoes, the dog turned into a complete maniac, zigzagging around the living room making heinous noises.
Josh spent a good deal of time out in the garage, making his own ruckus with various saws. He insisted on putting a television and an old loveseat out there, basically so he could drink beer in style while taking breaks from his woodworking projects. “Who needs to hang out in the garage when we have two TVs in the house?” I asked. Clearly, that was a stupid question. You’d think that having three brothers would have prepared me to understand men.
Speaking of my brothers, Andy and Hilary recruited a huge group of family and friends to participate in the Brain Injury Association’s Walk for Thought in October. Their son, Ethan, had recovered fully from the Shaken Baby Syndrome injury he’d suffered in the spring. Team Ethan raised more funds than any other team, and we had a great time walking around St. Paul’s Como Park on a crisp Saturday morning. It was one of many days that reinforced my decision to move home to Minnesota.
Yes, moving home had been a good move on many fronts. In November, Josh and I celebrated the first anniversary of our final “pseudo date,” the turning point in our relationship. One year in, our biggest problem was my own discomfort with the fact that we didn’t have quite the same—how shall I put this—heat that we’d had before moving in together. It’s not that I minded the rhythm we’d settled into. I was actually fine with it, and Josh assured me that it was OK—natural, even. I tried to take his word for it, because what did I know about normal?
As Josh and I became increasingly comfortable sharing our lives, I realized something that came as a bit of a surprise to me—I did want to make it more official than a mortgage. Right after my divorce, I’d wondered if marriage would ever feel necessary to me again. After all, what did it really mean? But the more I thought about it, the more I was sure that yes, I still believed in marriage, and I wanted that for us.
One Saturday night around Thanksgiving, I couldn’t help but blurt it out. Josh was cooking up a two-hour culinary masterpiece, and I was drinking a glass of wine and pretending to be willing to help. We were flirting and kissing between veggie chopping and sautéing, and I just had to say something, right then and there. “You know,” I teased, “I wasn’t sure I’d ever want to get married again, but you’re starting to make me sure, especially if you keep cooking like this.”
I told him that I didn’t want to get married right away, but that I would want to eventually. Josh kind of laughed it off like I wasn’t really serious, and—Lord, help me—I had no idea what to make of it. I let it drop, and we went on to have a wonderful late-night dinner, but the conversation left me feeling insecure. Maybe it had been a mistake to move in together—you know, that whole why-buy-the-cow thing. A dreadful analogy that clashes with my feminist sensibilities, but still. The last thing I needed was to get into a situation where I wanted more than he did, but maybe I already had.
WOW. How do you get to that stage? That you actually WANT to get married again? I guess you just have to meet the right person? But then you have to WANT to meet the right person right?
I am so happy that you are there right now!!
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I love that you are sharing all those insecurities that a lot of us experience in relationships. Can’t wait for the next post!
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oh God, the suspense is killing me!
saretta´s last blog ..My New Knick-knack
Wow I can’t imagine being able to put yourself out there again like that. Kudos to you, that takes courage!
I’m finally all caught up now! Although I can’t believe I have to wait for you to post now – after that whirlwind read this is going to take some getting used to!
Have a lovely day,
Jade
Jade @ No Longer 25´s last blog ..Stovies in a Le Creuset Pan
Congratulations! I think it’s great that you’re not only willing to open your heart again, but also willing to talk about it. That takes a tremendous amount of courage, but then you’re far more courageous than you give yourself credit for.
Rachel C.´s last blog ..If You Think You Cannot- Then Youd Be Correct But Its Not The First Time Youve Been Wrong
That takes courage to put that out there. Maybe you just needed to say it to hear it for yourself as well as him, ya know?
Gulp! It must have been scary to put it out there like that, but what choice did you have?
chele´s last blog ..Being Present
Way better to ask those awkward questions and to deal with the awkward responses than to stay quiet …
I have read your entire blog today…and have loved it. I’m in a weird place right now, so it has been a nice/refreshing distraction.
I have these same insecurities all the time. I am much more open with my feelings then my partner which makes me think the worst all the time. I guess as long as he keeps turning up he must be happy and that should be all the reassurance you need.
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Relationships are so complicated aren’t they? I can’t wait to read more!
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I just love your stories. I am happy when I see a new one in my reader. Thanks!
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I’d say you better get it figured out. Maybe he didn’t think you were serious. Anyway you need to know for sure what you both want and need or things can’t progress in any direction.
It’s taken me all of 10 years to realize I do want to be married again. I even set the date (finally). Gotta love a girl who is getting married on Friday the 13th.
I know there is a happy ending for you given the spoiler comments some have left, which makes me want to peek at the back of the book. Alas, there is no back of the book and I just have to wait. {Patience was never my strong suit.}
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