I’m pleased to present my second guest post. This one was written by Anna Dean, who is currently going through the divorce process.
Subconsciously, I think I knew it wouldn’t last even before we married. There was that nagging preoccupation with “what if” questions. I knew something was amiss at the wedding when I wasn’t nervous, particularly ecstatic, or crying…but he was. I figured it was my stoic personality.
My suspicions were confirmed quickly after the knot was tied. I longed for long walks, long talks and daydreaming of the potential the future held. Instead, the day to day came to feel like a life sentence more than a life of promise. Coming home to an always-tired and napping husband. Always initiating the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, the dinners out, the everything. Feeling unfulfilled—full of questions but devoid of answers.
The first year of marriage is difficult. It’s hard to live together, I thought. We’ll find our groove. Nope. After separating twice for what totaled more than a month (after being married less than a year), I knew we were not on track. During the most recent separation, I was preparing to move to a new apartment for my job. I had been debating where our future was headed. I kept stewing over how unhappy and unfulfilled I felt (and how he MUST feel the same way…right?!).
Then it hit me. I thought, wow, I’ll probably feel really sad about moving out of this old apartment because there must have been a lot of happy memories here together. Then I paused and thought. And thought. And barely came up with more than liking our gift exchange during the holidays. That was it. One hour. Giving gifts. I did not have any tear-inducing, wasn’t that glorious, sublimely happy memories of our married selves in that apartment. Then I knew. The time had come.
So we finally had “the talk” we knew was coming months before it ever happened. And despite the flood of feelings, not to mention the flood of administrative minutiae, I feel more relieved than anything. As painful as it is to say goodbye, I couldn’t bear a lifetime devoid of happy memories. Of trying to just get by. Every. Single. Day.
We both deserve more than that. And I am certain we will both find that…someday.
Thanks to Anna Dean for providing today’s guest post! It takes a lot of courage to go from questioning a relationship to acting. Check out Anna’s new blog, Reflect & Renew.