Today’s guest post is from Gina, who recently wrote about signs that it might be time for divorce.
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Here’s some free advice. If your friend gets divorced, and you have not ever been divorced, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Don’t offer advice. Don’t try to be cheery. Don’t try to set them up. Just listen to them, nod, smile and give them a hug. And lots of alcohol.
I have had a hard time dealing with my friends through this divorce. And it’s a shame, because they are trying so hard to be good friends. But they’re all failing miserably. And I acknowledge that the problem is that it is actually impossible to say the right thing, other than “I’m so sorry.” So I’m compiling a list of things that I’ve found extremely NOT helpful from my friends, so you can be a better friend to future divorcees in your life:
- Suggesting any sentiment nearing the “are you sure” category. This includes, “have you tried therapy,” “perhaps you just need a break,” “but you’re so cute together,” “everyone thinks you’re so great together,” “I think you’ll be back together some day,” etc. My friends have actually said all of these things to me. The fact that I didn’t get physically violent with them is still something I’m quite proud of. If someone tells you they’re getting divorced (and that is different from “I’m thinking about getting divorced”), they’ve probably thought it through.
- Inviting me to events that are primarily filled with happy couples. Seems obvious, but you’d be amazed. Being the 7th wheel at a dinner party, and the only one not partnered DOES NOT CHEER ME UP. Chances are your newly divorced friend is sensitive to happy marriages, so don’t force them to stare at them through a four-course meal. And news flash—married couples often aren’t thrilled to hang out with the newly divorced. Because they’re all having trouble in their own ways, too, and very few of them want to be reminded of how tenuous that bond of marriage can be. It’s really just uncomfortable for everyone.
- Asking me to babysit or have anything to do with small children that aren’t in my immediate family. This is particular to those of us who are young divorcees with no children. Hanging out with small children from other successful couples is its own brand of torture. First off, kids can be annoying, and recent divorcees are working on a short fuse. Second off, thanks for reminding me that my ovaries are shriveling up as we speak. And guess what—I almost cried at that “fun” barbecue where a five year old asked me why I was alone and didn’t have any family. Thanks for the invite.
- Catching me at a party or otherwise relatively public function to ask me what happened to my marriage. Not something I want to talk about at the weekly happy hour, thank you very much. Also, if you’re a friend, and I haven’t already offered up this information in some more intimate and friendly setting, there’s probably a reason. Like you’re not that good of a friend. Like it’s none of your business. Like you’re a gossip and I’m hardly going to directly give you the ammunition for your next water cooler conversation with Ted from accounting. Like I just don’t feel like talking about it all the time, because I’m certainly thinking about it all the time.
- SUGGESTING I SHOULD HAVE JUST HAD AN AFFAIR! If you don’t get why this is inappropriate, go jump off a cliff.
- And finally, the future dating questions. This is a bit tough, because I think the recently divorced do want to talk about this, and possibly get set up by you. But tread lightly. While I’m okay with: “Let me know when you’re ready to start dating, I have a great guy for you to meet,” I am not okay with: “Are you going to start hitting the gym to get hot for dates?” I think the best bet here is wait for us, the divorcees, to broach the topic with you. Don’t start shoving men in our faces before we’re ready.
I’m sorry to be so directive, but seriously, what are people thinking? Every single scenario above has happened to me. From the actions of a friend. And I still love those friends, but sometimes they make it hard.
By the way, the best conversations I’ve had are with those who have been through a divorce. They know exactly what I’m going through and have consistently said the right things. Perhaps it is misery loving company, but thank Buddha for them.
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Gina’s divorce was final in 2010.
How about you? Do you have any advice to friends of the recently separated or divorced?
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I love this one even more! hits it all right in the head
I particularly remember all the nosy people asking “but what happened?”
I got really good at repeating “it did not work out” as many times as needed:
“but I had no idea, did you have a big fight?” – me: “it didnt work out”
“did you guys fight a lot?” – me: “it didnt work out”
“wow, was he giving you a hard time about your job?” -me: “it didnt work out”
usually, but the third time, they would get the hint that no gossip material would be offered…
You are right about divorced friends being the only ones with good advice…especially divorced friends in the same type of situation (aka no kids)
I do have to say it is all a distant memory now – and the best in my life happened after the divorce…so here’s something to drink to
[...] Gina: Oh So Helpful Friends [...]
I really can’t believe someone suggested you have an affair. Although I have to disagree with you slightly. If they been specific and said, “you should have an affair with The Rock,” then honestly, I think that is not only permissible, but really good advice.
As a single for the past few years, I can say definitively that one thing that suuuucks is that most of the cool people are married (still). Yes, some are starting to get divorced, but invite after invite is with couples. Can’t they invite a few single people? Not necessarily to date, but to either commiserate with or with potential for finding friends. I don’t think people understand how hard it is to meet and find friends as a single person in your 30s – especially in a new city. As someone who moved to a new city 2x with my ex, moving as a single is more difficult in just about every way.
Nice post, Gina~
Thanks Raz – for the compliment and the laugh. The Rock is welcome any time.
On New Year’s Eve this year, we invited three single friends (from three different groups of friends) over for a last-minute dinner party. It was fun and two of them went on a couple dates after that. This is a good reminder that we should do stuff like that more often (though eventually, most of our friends will have met each other!).
I did a good job of hiding from people for a while simply to avoid hearing stuff like this! I guess it’s different for everyone, but my advice to friends of the recently separated/divorced is to stick to simple, supportive statements and avoid asking a lot of questions. The best things I heard from friends were things like, “I’m behind you 100%” and “I’m here if you want to talk.” Good one, Gina! I love the discussion this is generating!
Emma´s last [type] ..If Given the Chance to Nap
Thanks for letting me share here, Emma. =)
The # of times I got the “are you sure?” is ridiculous. In fact, my boss at the time tried to talk me out of my divorce. Why are people trying to talk people out of things that they OBVIOUSLY have thought so much about it. It isn’t like people decide to get divorced over night in most cases. It has been a long agonizing period of unhappinesss and you kind of come to it over time.
This is a really fabulous list and I think something a lot of divorced people go through. It is so frustrating how people who are married cannot fathom why these things are not good for you. And you know, I know quite a few people who really have enjoyed being alone after a divorce. It is refreshing. I remember how happy I was when I moved into my apartment. MY SPACE. It awesome.
I guess it is hard to go understand what another person is going through if you haven’t been divorced, or at least had a very, difficult break up after being w/someone for a long time, but I sometimes wonder if people can’t put themselves in another person’s shoes a bit more frequently and give others a bit more thoughtfulness and empathy.
And to be clear, I know I need to put myself in other people’s shoes more for situations I’m not familiar with. But definitely I’ve learned a different way of approaching “being supportive” since experiencing something so traumatic myself.
I am always amazed at what well meaning people say in an effort to comfort me. I’m probably just as guilty of doing it but I’ve learned sometimes just saying “I’m sorry” and shutting the F up is fine. I’ve had that same conversation with a 6 year old, I still want to push him down… Another great piece!
Maybe it was the same kid? =)
I’m one of these married people… in the last year or so, 5 people very close to me went through divorces. I am guilty of most of the bullet points above, although not the baby sitting one (hopefully I did not do the party/ happy hour one either, but I may have).
So three things:
- In my name and all of us clueless friends, I truly apologize.
- Now, I feel there is a little explaining to do (and you can stop reading now if you know you’ll get p*ssed at any explanation of wrongdoing). As Gina says, many many couples are or have been in delicate situations and look at the “courageous” friends who actually decided to get divorced as a learning situation. Seven or eight years ago I considered leaving my husband – I went to therapy, I looked from apartments to rent, I did the 2-household budget calculation (I’d need to support him at that time, he was a student), I cried every night. Some of us have been closer to wearing these shoes than people realize. Sometimes we just want to *understand*, not to pry. Sometimes, when we ask if you tried therapy, or taking time off, or if you considered an affair, we are thinking about these things ourselves and wondering if others went that route… true, we can do a much better job of explaining that instead of implying that you are giving YOU advice.
- Now, I’ll kind of defend myself: if a friend who leaves a divorce moves to your city and you want them to meet new people (as friends, so they can start new networks), is the invitation to dinner with other couples that wrong? Shouldn’t the invitee be given the option and then decline it – “no, that’s just weird”? I myself am not sure, but again it’s probably a question of better communication on the intentions… another area where I confess being clueless!
oh Mari. I heart you.
Excellent point about why people may be asking questions that make the divorcee uncomfortable. So that’s an interesting perspective.
And yes, a couples only event + your single recently divorced friend is a bad idea.
OH YES, I need to give this an AMEN and a HELL YES! Most of my friends were great about it and not like this, but some (and since are no longer friends, for this and other reasons), just didn’t get it, didn’t get that I WANTED to be alone sometimes, not in a depressed way, but I just didn’t want to talk about it. I actually had a few friends ask if he had cheated on me (um, way to be delicate!) or if he was gay. Yep. Really. Great list, and love that it IS directive!
jobo´s last [type] ..“Why do you want to run a half marathon?”
Thanks for the compliments, jobo.And the being alone thing is interesting. I’m still single, and sometimes people really don’t understand that I like being by myself sometimes. I also find they’re hyper-sensitive to my status updates. If I’m even a little maudlin, I feel like they treat me like a suicide hotline. “Are you ok? Need me to come over? What happened?” Sometimes it’s just a little harmless venting on facebook. Good grief.
Great list. I’d like to add any question aimed at figuring out who initiated the divorce as if that implies the initiator is OK with the divorce. It’s just not that black and white. Like you said, if I want them to know, I’ll volunteer the information.
Mandy´s last [type] ..Still connected to your ex after thirty-six years
GREAT add Mandy – I totally agree.
AS I was going through your bullets, suddenly I could hear Jeanine Garafola doing it and it was pretty good! Also, just great advice.
Ha! Thanks for that visual!
Nice – thanks =)
Can I hear an Amen?
Gina, I want to jump up and shout “Keep going, you were just getting started and I got all fired up!”
When I hear someone is going through it, or something even more fun like cancer, I try to always try to say nothing more than “I hope things turn out as well as they can.” I feel like no one wants to hear much more from me or anyone.
I hope things are going as well as they can for you!
That’s a perfect thing to say, when there really is no right thing to say. And things are going along fine – good days and bad days, but we all get through what’s put in front of us somehow. Thanks for the encouraging words.