Today’s guest post is from Joelle, a multitalented woman whose personal motto is, “STOP DREAMING. START SOMETHING.” What’s not to love about that?
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There are two essential items every newly separated person must have within reach at all times: a pen and a notebook.
It’s important to always remember your marriage ended for a reason. There may be times when nostalgia hits, tears fall and you find yourself mourning. That’s when you need to read your GOOD RIDDANCE list. Nothing is better for snapping you back to reality than reliving all the moments that led up to D-day.
GOOD RIDDANCE lists should include:
-Things you disliked about your ex-husband. This is a free pass to nitpick. Did he always leave dishes in the sink? Or perhaps refuse or complain every time you asked him to hang out with your friends? What about that annoying habit? Write them down!
-Disappointing moments. Did he spend your birthday with his best friend? Or refuse to come help the day you found a stray dog and needed assistance getting him to a shelter? My ex-husband did both and you can bet these moments are on my list!
-All the reasons you fought. Note the issues that consumed your relationship and how you handled each situation. This will ensure that you don’t encounter the same problems in the future. Yes, you will fall in love again. And it will be even better than you fantasize.
Ah, yes, new love. You need a list for that, as well.
Make a DATING CHECKLIST that states all the qualities you want in a future mate. This list will not only help you find Mr. Right, but comfort you each time you encounter Mr. Eh, Mr. Playing The Field and Mr. I Really Thought He Was The One This Time Even Though I Only Dated Him For A Week.
As you begin to date, chances are you will get super excited about every new prospect. Then, he won’t reply to your text message for three days. Or you’ll see on his social media profile that all his new friends are hot women he seems to have met on a dating site. This is when you must refer to your DATING CHECKLIST. Were you ignoring the fact that he lacks goals or dislikes children because you drowned every time you looked into his blue eyes?
Consider this DATING CHECKLIST your lifeguard.
Divorce is the birth of your new self. It’s a chance to explore interests and goals that have been simmering on the backburner of your brain. It’s an arrow shot straight from cupid with a note attached that reads, “This is your second chance to get everything you want and deserve.” The above lists will be therapeutic and inspiring guides for this exciting new journey on which you have embarked. Sometimes the GOOD RIDDANCE list will act as your inner conscious and scream “Move on!” One day, the DATING CHECKLIST will have every quality marked off and you’ll find yourself smiling, blissfully in love, not only with the person you’ve found but the person you have become.
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Joelle Caputa’s marriage ended in 2009. Today, she is working on a book, Trash the Dress: Stories of Divorce in Your 20s. Check out her website and connect with her on twitter @HelloJoelleLisa.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Joelle’s awesome post! Comments are always much appreciated.
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Wow..it’s really a great post. I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing this type of post with us.
[...] BTW, one reader (named “Unsure of what to do”) left a comment on last week’s post looking for some marriage advice. Go check it out! [...]
So, to the divorcees out there, what if there’s nothing “wrong” with your husband? What if you just fell out of love? He’s a great guy, but that *thing* is no longer there? But you have kids. What do you do?
I’m no marriage expert (obviously), but I think that *thing* probably waxes and wanes over the course of a long marriage. If it fizzles out entirely, can it be rediscovered? I’m not sure. The obvious advice would be to try marriage counseling if you haven’t already. Or what about a vacation? Could you two get away without your kids? I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pursue a divorce, but make sure that you’ve made an honest effort to renew your marriage first (this could minimize your feelings of guilt down the road if you decide to end the marriage). There’s a book on my to-read list that might be interesting for you. You’re in the opposite situation than the writer, but maybe you could take something from it: http://www.amazon.com/This-Not-Story-You-Think/dp/0399156658
Good luck! I will post your question on the Divorced Before 30 Facebook page to see if we can get some more advice for you!
While not a divorcee, I will offer a thought anyway!
This probably happens off and on, at some level, in every marriage. No one ever tells you ahead of time that there will be an ebb and flow, or at least that it might be more than you imagine. This goes with the idea that has been expressed here pretty often that it should be harder to get married and easier to get divorced. What if pre-marriage learning actually dealt with things on this level?
I no longer think it’s possible for any relationship to sustain the “Wow, that takes my breath away!” feelings we have early on. When it’s like that things might be too intense to have room for the things that move us along, like kids, anyway. It will probably help assure that there ARE kids for sure. I have gone back and forth a lot, sometimes really wanting that early crazy thing, while my partner, best friend, spousal unit, has been more circumspect (and realistic). What if it really is true that slow and steady wins the race? Or, as a great coach I know used to say, “What if the hokey pokey IS what it’s all about?”
Maybe your relationship is in a more serious lull, or maybe the blush is off for good. Probably no one can know, except at some point, you. I wonder if the relationships that go on with the intense *thing* aren’t sometimes intense enough that it’s tough for them to last too?
As a guy I will say – if there are kids and a great guy, I’d give it a lot longer before closing the door in favor of the *thing* (which I totally get by the way). Sticking together just for the kids isn’t a good thing if there is bad stuff to go along with it. Absent bad stuff, I really have no idea! I think this is a tough question that both genders have to think about more than they’d like.
Just to clarify, this advice is coming from my dad, Pete, who has been married to my mom since 1974. Impressive, no?
I agree, by the way, that you shouldn’t just stick together for the sake of the kids. You definitely deserve to be happy. The question is, can you be happy w/ your husband?
He is my best friend so I can be happy with him. But is that enough? I am going to counseling and I do have hope that it will give me some answers. But I do love opinions. I hope that others will weigh in. Thank you for looking for some feedback for me.
Great idea and great expression of it Joelle!
In my work we plan big things…campuses, tens of millions of dollars buildings, and we’ve adopted what I call principle-based planning. Which amounts to a list. A list of things that are most important to us about whatever our adventure is. If, in planning, we get some big idea that isn’t among our principles, we have to give it up.
The application in relationships is obvious, but most of us go with the hormone flow (I tried to go with hormonic and the computer dictionary wouldn’t let me) and the flow is maybe the toughest thing in the universe to resist.
We found that people don’t know how to express themselves in this sort of way very well. At first we thought it was because they had no architectural frame of reference to think in three dimensions. We finally decided that people simply had a hard time articulating what really felt good about some/anything.
I spent some time with a really cool psychologist a few years ago, and this was in the midst of developing this principle-based planning idea. She’d say, “How are you feeling?” I’d probably say, “Huh? Maybe I’m a little warm.” I had no trouble articulating what felt wonderful about a site, or a design element, but I couldn’t say, “I’m a little edgy.”
I’m not sure how I’d approach the relationship list given that predisposition, and, I don’t need to in any case because I totally hit the jackpot. I know that in planning anything else I can think of, making statements of the things that are most important to us, being tough on ourselves about them, and using them to make our decisions will yield results.
I think this can also be said of any breakup, divorce, friendship ending or otherwise. It can be easy to want to ‘go back’ if you forget the reasons you left in the first place. Good post and the book looks really interesting!
[...] my guest blog on Divorced Before 30, where I provide advice for the newly separated. Divorced Before 30 originally began as a [...]
Following a divorce, people can be desperate to find a new partner in order to feel accepted again so making a list like the one that you suggested above is a good idea.
I would suggest that people also write a list about why they should maintain a positive relationship with their spouse if they have children, though.