My ex-husband and I had different spiritual outlooks on life. I don’t necessarily attribute that to the breakdown of our marriage, but it probably didn’t help things, either. I had a Protestant Christian upbringing that emphasized community, serving others, inclusion, and, dare I say, religious pluralism. He had some Catholic roots but little instruction or affiliation to speak of, though I’m certain that he considered himself a spiritual person. And he was, to be sure.
At the time of our divorce, I was regularly attending church at a Presbyterian church that prided itself in being a “More Light” congregation (one that welcomes GLBT people of faith). It’s hard not to think about the intersection of religion and marriage when you’re sitting next to couples who can’t legally marry. And when I started to realize how badly I wanted out of my marriage, it was in the pews of that church that I silently sobbed, wondering what it all meant that I might not be able to keep my vows. I never talked to anyone about the specifics of my marital problems, but I remember someone sitting and holding my hand after church one day while I cried.
What do our religious traditions (let us not forget that there are many in this country) say about divorce? As with any hot issue, viewpoints vary widely, but in the Christian and Jewish faiths, there are some Biblical passages that suggest that divorce should rarely be allowed. Yet people from these faiths continue to divorce as much as, if not more often than, people of other faith traditions, including Agnostics and Atheists. So how are people supposed to reconcile their real-life experiences with divorce with what is written in the Bible? As many denominations begin to empathize more with people who suffer in unhealthy marriages and look on divorce with slightly less contempt, they open the door for deeper conversations about what marriage really means today.
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I’d love to hear from you on this! I’m no expert on religion. What’s your take?
- Have you felt judged by others about your divorce because of their religious beliefs?
- If you generally believe in the Bible, how do you reconcile the Old Testament statements against divorce? Or, do you believe that the Bible shouldn’t be read so literally in today’s society?
- Do you feel more or less religiously inclined since your divorce?
- What advice would you give to religious leaders about how best to support members of their faith communities through divorce?
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[...] lot of crying in church before leaving my ex-husband, too. I’ve written previously on “Religion and Divorce,” and I love to hear other people’s perspectives and experiences on this subject. If [...]
I’m 26 and have been separated 5 mos from my husband of 4 yrs, and am about to go through the divorce process. I was raised in a conservative church that equated Christianity with voting Republican, and would often find ways to insert politics into each week’s sermon. I consider myself to be quite liberal, and often questioned my faith in high school and college. Interestingly enough, my soon-to-be ex is Muslim and not from this country. This of course added to my struggle. I can’t tell you how many times I heard someone tell me that I/he/our kids are going to hell simply because he’s not Christian (and I’m a Democrat). I found a more accepting church during my marriage, but I still kept religion and religious people at arms-length until I finally stopped going to church all together. Meanwhile, my marriage was tanking. When I finally left, I’d just started going to a recovery group at a Pentecostal church, which was the last place I thought I’d end up! I love my new church, and they’ve been so supportive and nonjudgmental about everything. My new apartment is right across the street from church, so I can go there all the time now too! This is what I’ve learned about faith and divorce (my own opinions anyway):
1) God forgives EVERYONE of EVERYTHING if we ask Him and receive His grace.
2) God hates UGLY, not divorce itself. In my opinion, He’d rather us be loving, happy and divorced than spiteful, miserable, hateful and married.
3) I can be a faithful, charismatic Christian who goes to church 3 days a week AND cherish and respect different faith traditions (without trying to convert anyone) AND vote as liberal as I damned well please! I don’t have to pick and choose, and it’s no one’s business how I view faith and politics!
Love it, Courtney! It’s obvious that you are thinking for yourself, and I’m glad that you’ve found a more supportive religious community. You have a very interesting story. Please consider sharing it here on the blog! If you don’t want to write a post, you could do an email interview instead.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Gosh, I never talk about this, but I guess I have something to say.
I was raised in conservative evangelical home and my parents were of baptist values. Church was a 3-day a week activity growing up. Later, around the time I got married I had broadened my perspective some but still believed that church would be a major part of my married life… at least once/week – and a bible study I thought. Well, my husband said he was game, and even though I should have known better, I trusted him. When the marriage began to struggle he tossed out my religion like it was yesterday’s news and claimed he was an atheist. I wasn’t ready to give up on the marriage just because of that, but it made things really difficult especially because he wasn’t inclined to answer my questions or explain why the sudden shift or compromise.
This experience may or may not have been a catalyst for my own “spiritual rediscovery” and for what it is worth I have found myself on a much more liberal end of the spectrum. I suppose I have distanced myself from my former conservative community where divorce may have been more judged, but I don’t honestly know what their reaction would be. Most people have been quite kind, but the general response I think is bewilderment… at the ripe old age of 27 I am sort of alone in this early divorced plight and people have a hard time relating. Guess that’s why I read blogs like this.
“The general response is bewilderment.” Totally. I was just telling someone about my memoir, and she looked at me like a deer in headlights. I am so accustomed to writing about divorce before 30 now that it seems sort of normal, but it’s still kind of shocking to some people.
Interesting that your own spiritual beliefs have shifted because of your divorce. I think for many of us, getting divorced can be a time of amazing self-discovery. Maybe the timing is right for you to settle into your own spiritual beliefs.
And thank you for reading blogs like this and for sharing your thoughts when so inspired.
Well, I think that being a Christian means that your life is a combination of sin, repentance and grace…and then the cycle repeats itself. While divorce is definitely a sin in the Bible, so are many other things…like looking at women with lust (pornography??), adultery, using harsh words in anger, not loving people the way you love yourself, etc. All of these things were elements in my marriage that ended in divorce.
I think that God wants us to live harmonious lives with one another (and with Him), and when one partner is completely unwilling to do that, I think that there is room for divorce. And even if there isn’t, I guess that is what forgiveness is for. (I don’t mean that lightly) For myself, I know that I had strayed quite a ways away from my faith before my divorce…which may have been why it happened in the first place. I think if I had stayed closer, I may have realized that this was a bad relationship before I took my vows, or I may have had better ways of working with my ex-husband. At any rate the marriage failed. This was a huge catalyst in bringing me back to my faith. I realized that I had been doing a pretty crummy job of living my life on my own, and that some help from God was needed a.s.a.p.
However, I will admit that when I was church shopping I finally settled on the one that had a “smoker’s corner” by the front door. I’m not a smoker, but I figured if people feel free to light up 5 feet from the door a few minutes before the service is scheduled to start, that there was a good chance divorced people like me would also be welcomed. I was right and it’s been a great fit for me! It’s a place that is over flowing with God’s love and grace and I feel incredibly blessed that I have come back to my faith and found peace and acceptance.
I love your “smoker’s corner” idea. We all have our baggage, weaknesses, and imperfections. I agree that finding a welcoming/inclusive place to worship is a really good feeling. It sounds like you are doing really well. I’ve always believed that finding personal peace is one of the main purposes of religion.
Differences in opinion – whether they be religious, political or anything – else can catalyze divorce. I agree that they alone will not cause marital dissolution, but thy can puch couples over the edge if they’re experiencing other problems.
All a couple need to do to combat this, though, is make a conscientious effort to respect the others opinions and beliefs.