Marriage and divorce are all over the news these days. Have you noticed? I hope that the headlines will inspire meaningful conversations about what the institution really means to us, collectively and as individuals.
The story “All the Single Ladies” in this month’s Atlantic Magazine raises some big questions on the state of marriage in America. Writer Kate Bolick, 39, never imagined that she’d be single in her late 30s, but life rarely goes according to plan, and it seems that she’s not alone. A number of societal trends are creating a “crisis in gender” that makes it more difficult for women to find suitable husbands. I have several single friends in their mid-thirties, and the dating scene seems truly abysmal.
Of course women are also becoming increasingly self-sufficient—often able to make a great living on their own—and some are simply choosing to remain single. Bolick cites research that suggests that many of today’s young adults think marriage is less relevant than it used to be. And yet, it is still seen as a valuable institution by many, perhaps most notably by those who have been excluded from it. This week, I’ve seen many Facebook updates suggesting that people like Kim Kardashian are the ones compromising marriage in America—not the same-sex marriage proponents.
As a woman who was divorced after only one year of marriage, I wonder whether I, like Kim, am a big part of the problem. Maybe so. But I think people who stay unhappily married do their own kind of damage. By putting up with too much bullshit, they are modeling dysfunction for their children. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Marriages aren’t inherently good simply because they last. If we want to preserve the institution—for all couples, regardless of gender—we need to model healthy, equitable, and happy unions for the next generation. The good news is that many of us who didn’t get it right the first time will get another chance.
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I’d love to hear from you on this!
Is there really a “gender crisis” in America?
Is marriage still relevant?
Why does Kim K.’s super-short marriage really matter to us as a society?
Are those of us who are divorced part of the problem with modern marriage?
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Thank you so much. Please do watch our other videos and share your opinions
Hi Emma,
After reading Jobo’s post today, I just had to weigh in from the other side. Obviously you read my story, and I was the one who was “left” after one year of marriage, and nine years together before that. Although I think that you and Jo are ultimately right, that it’s better to exit than live a dysfunctional life, that doesn’t take away from the sting of being abandoned so quickly.
Jaime’s reasons for leaving (my depression issues, my eating disorder) etc may have been valid to him, but to me I was confused since he had married me knowing exactly what I was dealing with and then changed his mind. I think that people exit marriage too quickly in many cases these days, but it is hard to make a sweeping generalization since everyone’s circumstances are different. In my opinion, my husband was wrong to leave me, but in his opinion, he would argue that he did exactly what you did: cut his losses early. And, he, like you, went into another relationship quickly which has turned out not to be a rebound, and they are going on 2 years of being together, and his “second chance” devastates me to this day.
I’m not being very articulate here, but I guess I’m just trying to say that what one person sees as cutting their losses, is a devastating blow to the one left behind in some cases. Who is “right?” I wonder if marriage is still relevant, not because I don’t believe in it anymore, so much as I realize it’s only as strong as the weakest link and I feel afraid to risk trying again for fear of early abandonment. It’s a tough call. I do think that a general attitude of acceptance toward giving up quickly is becoming more prevalent in our society, but perhaps my own emotional proximity to this issue makes it difficult for me to render an unbiased opinion. Great topic.
Thanks for weighing in, Marisa! You’re right that giving up quickly has become prevalent in our society today, and not just in terms of marriage. Many people are always looking for a shortcut, a drive-thru meal, whatever. Collectively, we don’t have a lot of patience, and that mindset certainly takes its toll on our relationships. I think that’s why it did take me so long to get over my divorce–I absolutely don’t think of myself as a quitter. I’m a fighter, a tough cookie. Someone who will cut through ridiculous amounts of red tape to persevere. And yet I found myself in such a state of misery that “cutting my losses” after a year of marriage felt like the only option to save my soul.
It’s okay that you have a different perspective on this. I agree with you to a large extent. I’m sorry that you have had to go through this experience based on someone else’s decision. I can see how that would be devastating, but I hope that in time, you will be ready for love again.
I’m pretty sick of the same types of headlines too, great post and topic. I agree, it’s not worth putting up with the BS just for the sake of staying married. So what? Why go through life miserable if your marriage turns out to be broken? Best for both sides to just move forward and as you say, usually almost always for the best!
Great post! I feel sorry for Kim K. during this turbulent time. Not that she is an exceptional role model, but she deserves to seek the same marital bliss many of us have sought. As someone who had a very short (year-long) marriage, I went into it hoping for the best. It’s impossible to know what will happen next, but isn’t that true about everything else in life. We don’t know what will come of our jobs, our friendships, our other commitments–why the societal spotlight on marriage length? Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I’m just glad that it’s not headline news when we mere mortals get divorced (or married, for that matter)!