A while back, I asked readers to weigh in on the following question: In what ways has your divorce affected your current behavior when it comes to dating and relationships? The responses that you submitted varied greatly, from feeling as though divorce has taught you what to avoid, to having lingering issues with trust. Your answers no doubt depend on how long it’s been since you and your ex parted ways and other circumstances about your split.
The #1 way that divorce has affected my current relationship is that I see marriage as less of a “destination” and more as an ongoing (hopefully lifelong) process. It’s not about the wedding; it’s about the day-to-day life that you build with someone who is your friend, partner, and lover. You’re not stuck together—marriages can be undone, after all—but if you’re lucky and you work hard at it, the two of you can create something worth sticking around for.
Here’s what the rest of you had to say about how divorce has affected your relationship outlook:
“I’m more comfortable with me. I’m more willing to speak my mind.”
“I am desperate to avoid the same pitfalls, so I overthink everything I say to my boyfriend. I am overcautious not to be ‘unfair’ to him, and I obsess over making this one ‘right.’ He’s patient, but he does have to tell me, ‘Hey, I’m not him, and this is different.’”
“I was bitter for awhile, many months. I went to a wedding a month after my separation and I hated being there. I thought the whole ceremony was a fraud, and I was in an unhealthy mental state at that point. When it comes to dating, I’ve been very cautious. I’ve done my best to make sure I don’t have a ‘rebound,’ but I’ve met someone amazing. I was friends with him before my marriage fell apart, and after my separation, we became better friends. Suddenly, I realized he was my favorite person in the whole world. We are extremely compatible and mature. If anything, divorce taught me how to think rationally about relationships. I’m taking everything very slowly.”
“I won’t repeat the same mistakes twice. I have learned so much from my divorce and past marriage and I apply them all the time to my relationship with [my boyfriend]. It’s making us much more successful!”
“I don’t commit and cling right away. I am getting out there and meeting different people. I feel like you won’t know who Mr. Right for You is if you just bait and hook the first man who gives you attention. I try to work an equal balance between my career, son, friends and men! It is definitely a challenge. I admit, though, that I have been seeing someone for about five months now and he and I both feel ready to be a bit more serious. Fortunately, he also is divorced and understands why I want and have to be careful.”
“I appreciate all of the big and small things my 2nd husband does for me. He does such an amazing job of respecting me, and it’s wonderful. I ain’t ’bout to forget it!”
“I was told unexpectedly one day by my husband that he no longer wanted to be married. The next month of my life, he wouldn’t allow me to touch him, wouldn’t sleep next to me, “forgot” to answer his phone, and would hardly come home at night. Trust has become the number one issue for me. I was married to a man who was the kindest, most loving, considerate, and trustworthy man. My family and friends adored him. He had high morals, good values, and loving traits. I, nor anyone else, would ever have suspected him of cheating. However, he did. And it hurt very, very bad because it was something so unexpected. I never saw it coming. So, I have a very hard time trusting people in my life. I feel I always will because you never know when someone will just ‘switch.’”
“I have found that I crave physical connection, not sex necessarily, but just being close to another man. The last week, I realized that I am rebounding, hard! That thought made me realize that I wasn’t wanting another man; I was wanting intimacy. So now I am trying to cultivate intimacy (not of the sexual nature) in my important relationships (mom, dad, brothers, best friend). I don’t know when/if I’ll date again, but I’m determined to be happy regardless!
*****
I Want to Know
- Do you have any advice for readers who may be feeling insecure in a new relationship?
- How about advice for readers who feel like they’ll never be able to trust another romantic partner again?
Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
Your comments are apt, and of course anyone who has gone through a divorce will be both more cautious and more, perhaps unavoidably, bitter. I enjoy your blog–and your requests for guest input. I guess what I felt like doing was throwing in my two cents on a way I believe in that could prevent divorce from souring everything you do, as much as possible. I’m working on a series of posts on mediation (starts with http://candidaabrahamson.wordpress.com/2012/02/15/mediation-good-for-me-good-for-you-and-above-all-good-for-the-kids/ and goes on from there), and I’d like to fancy that maybe a look at my writing–or into the process of mediation in general–might convince some of the younger group to go that route–and, hopefully, suffer less pain in the process, and thus be more rarin’ to go next time.
I love this recap of feedback and advice, some really valuable points here. As for trust…wow, that was a really tough one for me. I thought I never would trust again, but when you meet the one you WILL trust, it just happens so naturally. I didn’t trust many of the guys I dated before M and then when I met him, I trusted his words and actions so much and I can’t explain why, just that it was meant to be. And his words matched his actions, which helped firm up that trust.
jobo´s last [type] ..Throwbacks: Selling my home.
I think you’re right that it’s easy to get over a lot of barriers when you meet someone who you connect with so naturally. I am lucky that I wasn’t cheated on, but (lack of) trust was still an issue in my failed marriage.