How long does it take after your divorce before you start to feel better? Like recovering from any loss or disappointment in life, the healing process is far from linear. One day, you might feel empowered and ready to start a kick-ass new life, and the next day, you might find yourself sobbing at your desk during work. One thing I can say for certain: You WILL feel better.
Someday, your divorce will simply be one piece of your personal history. A piece that sucked royally, to be sure, but also a piece that taught you something about yourself that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise. My divorce catapulted me back into my home state—into my parents’ basement, specifically—and I don’t know whether I would have moved home if not for my marriage failing. Now, I can’t imagine not living here, not being in close proximity to my family.
When I polled the readers of this site about their own divorce experiences, I asked them to quantify how healed they feel today, as well as how long it’s been since their divorce or separation. The “healing score” (kind of silly, really) was on a scale from 1 (I still feel like crap) to 5 (I’m better than ever). Here’s how readers rated their own healing:
2: Two months since separation
3: Nine months since divorce, one year since filing
3: Two weeks since divorce, seven months since separation, more than a year since things got rocky
4: One year since divorce, two years since separation, three years living apart because of military deployment
4: A few months since divorce, one year since separation
4: Ten months since divorce, twenty-two months since separation
5: Just over two years since divorce, three years since separation
5: About six years since divorce
I consider myself in the “5″ category as well, but it definitely took me a while to get there—probably two years or so. And some solid therapy. If you consider yourself in the “I still feel like crap” camp, know that the rest of us have been there. It can feel like things will never get better—like your love life, your finances, and your self-esteem will never bounce back—but they will. You will.
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Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
I have yet to go through therapy, and divorced in mid-2010. Still feeling like I’m in a 3 category, I have decided I need to see a therapist to work through the wave of emotions that have had an effect on my current relationships. I feel like it’s rather difficult to be around me sometimes, like i’m a loose cannon about to cry or delve into a whole conversation about my marriage and divorce. My ex is now engaged again and living with his fiance. It’s so hard to see that he’s completely moved on and I’m still in a place of healing.
Ugh…that would be really hard. I am really glad to hear that you’ve decided to see a therapist! I went to one about 9 months after my divorce and stuck with it for about a year. It was so good for me (and, I’m sure, for my current marriage!). Good luck, Kelly!
It does take awhile to get to the ’5′ category, but once you get there, all the other categories of feelings – anger, sadness, mourning etc., feel like the building blocks to the new you that you needed…or at least that’s how I felt. Great post!
jobo´s last [type] ..Anticipation
Me, too! It’s kind of hard to remember what “1″ and “2″ felt like now. I know I lived them, but luckily, it feels like a lifetime ago now.