The morning after I interviewed Deborah Feldman by phone, she appeared on ABC’s “The View” and brought a tear to Barbara Walters’ eye. I feel so blessed to have “met” Deborah before reading her memoir, Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of My Hasidic Roots. As I read the book, I could hear her clear voice speak every word, and I was struck by the stark contrast between the powerful, confident woman she is today and the anxious, often lost girl she brings to life on the pages.
In Unorthodox, Deborah describes her coming of age in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, New York. Born into the Satmar sect of Hasidic Judaism, she is essentially abandoned by her parents and raised by her extended family. From a young age, she feels like an outsider in her own community, and as she grows older, she instinctively feels that she is meant for a different, less restrictive world. Still, like a dutiful girl, she participates in the rites of becoming a wife (and, in many ways, a woman) at age 17.
From the first pages of this book, I wanted to scoop up young Deborah and hug her, and as I read about her struggles as a young wife—to learn about her body, to consummate her marriage, and to connect with the husband she barely knew—my empathy for her only grew. I know what it’s like to feel trapped with the wrong person, and I can’t imagine feeling trapped in the entirely wrong world as well.
I won’t give away the details of Deborah’s story, but she eventually leaves her Hasidic life behind and is divorced at age 23. As someone who up and left my husband on my lunch break, I can relate to Deborah’s leap toward a new life. And let me tell you—this woman knows something about making the most of a difficult situation. “Divorce isn’t the end of the world,” she told me with conviction. “It can be the beginning of a new world. It has freed me from unhappiness and entrapment.”
She acknowledged that the transition wasn’t easy, though. “It does take time to figure out how to live on your own,” she admitted. But for any women out there who wonder whether they have it in them, Deborah wants them to look inside themselves and see just how strong—just how amazing—they are. And she hopes to help other women who choose to leave fundamentalist Jewish communities by starting a nonprofit to provide the support and resources they and their children need.
When I asked Deborah, now 25, about dating and whether she hopes to marry again, she told me that she’s just now discovering that people actually have genuine relationships. “My relationships were never authentic,” she said, and in the book, her education in human relations does seem awfully bound by rules and propriety. So while she’s met some wonderful men who, as she put it, have revised her opinion of the gender, she’s relishing her independence right now. She hates the notion that if you’re not in a great romance, you’re nothing.
Deborah’s book was just released on Valentine’s Day, and it’s already a bestseller. Suddenly, she’s not only in the spotlight in a positive sense, but she’s also meeting resistance from the Hasidic community, which is not surprising. Overall, she’s stunned by the response to her story, and she feels a sense of responsibility to speak up on behalf of other women. “I really hope I have it in me to be that person,” she said humbly. Based on my conversation with her, I am one hundred percent certain that she already is.
*****
Deborah’s publisher, Simon & Schuster, has offered to give away one copy of Unorthodox to a lucky commenter! Leave a comment below by 11:59 p.m. (Central) on 2/29/12, and I will select one winner at random.
I Want to Know
What is most intriguing to you about Deborah’s story?
Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
Disclosure: I wasn’t compensated for this review in any way, and in fact, I bought my own copy of the book.
shes messed up and should keep her comments to herself…its proven that a person belittles others just to make themselves feel good when in reality they are bitter and miserable…live life the way you want just don’t belittle others, its shameful!!
Deborah was very respectful to her family and former community in writing this book! Good for you Deborah for being strong enough to having dreams and goals and making them come true. Truly Brave!
I will no longer be bothered by the partnership of $imon & $chuster and Ms Feldman in muddying Jews’ reputations, when $&$ releases and does everything in their power to publicize a book, focusing on the beheading of women in public squares, in the Middle East and beyond, for suspicion of unfaithfulness or having been raped. This, for simple suspicion, no proof needed, of having dishonored their families that way. And some are victims of rape!
Do they want to be known as crusaders for women’s rights, or not? Fair is fair!
http://www.meforum.org/2646/worldwide-trends-in-honor-killings
Perhaps Simon & Schuster is short of funds or eager informants or writers, or perhaps they have other “GRAVE” “politically correct” hesitations, like publishers and writers being in their graves soon after.
I feel for Deborah.. Being married already at young age and not able to enjoyed much her singleness and later on a failed marriage. But Deborah is really such a strong woman after all. Thank you for sharing this!
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I think it’s important to understand that this is one woman’s perspective. It’s her story, her thoughts, etc. If people get offended, that’s on them, not her. She has a right to share her experiences.
Even though I haven’t read the book, this resonated very strongly with me: “Divorce isn’t the end of the world,” she told me with conviction. “It can be the beginning of a new world. It has freed me from unhappiness and entrapment.” I absolutely feel the same way.
I feel like many woman can relate to this sentiment, regardless of their faith.
I totally agree! Thanks for your comment.
I agree. It’s really hard to be trapped on a marriage without love. That’s why all of us should only marry if were really decided and only to the person we love…
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I am writhing my feelings about her point of view of the hasidec community.
She had difficulties in childhood so she figures she will leave fate. That’s not a problem at all but she is not representing but her self.
I am happy to be in this community I knew her before she got angry on the community she is nothing but a crazy lady which dies for fame and is ready to betray heh former community for that.
And this is ourageous to give her any support for that.
If she continues to go this way she will end up next year to be unfaithful to her new believe
Your feelings are obviously shared by many in your community.
I connected w/ Deborah’s story on a personal level, having been in a dysfunctional marriage, and I support her for having the courage to start a new life and to write about it.
I can’t blame deborah for her bitterness since it is clear that she grew up in a dysfunctional home and did not have a pleasant experience during her childhood, but I cannot forgive her for misrepresenting our community as a Taliban-like cult. I did not read the book but the practices she describes in her interview with NY Post are bizarre to say the least and are not typical of the Hasidic lifestyle at all. I suspect she fabricated or greatly exaggerated many details and it has now beeen shown that a particular incident she describes in her book was falsely labeled a homicide when it was actually a suicide. I highly doubt she will find real fulfillment in her newfound “independence”, but wish her the best in any case. I just ask her not to trash her former community in the process.
Thank you for keeping your comment respectful. You are certainly entitled to your opinion on the matter, but I would encourage you to read the book for yourself.
I hesitate to read the book after finding so many lies in her interviews. I do enjoy fiction but not when it is presented as fact. Again, nobody is contesting the fact that she went through a traumatic experience as a child, but her besmirching the entire community is uncalled for and very childish. I don’t know if you have been following recent media reports about the book, but the NY Post & Daily News have recently published articles highlighting her distortions. I invite you to come visit our communities in Brooklyn (Borough Park, Flatbush, Crown Heights) and see for yourself if even a fraction of what she claims about us is true.
I’ve just ordered the book and am looking forward to reading it. All religious and traditional communities are coercive, and some of them prohibit contact with neighbors or others, and justify their control of members.
I am 82, grew up in a religious Jewish home, not Hassidic, and the restrictions were difficult to observe (no dating, arranged marriage, no contact with boys and “others,”and though I graduated from public high school and was sent to work, my parents did not encourage me to pursue a college education—which I did on my own, by leaving home (a great shame in those times), becoming self-supporting throughout my life, marrying a non-Jew, gaining 3 academic degrees, a profession, and more.
It began when I walked out of the synagogue when I was asked to sit upstairs with the women behind a curtain, and I determined to make my own way, hurting my parents, and facing hard judgment by others.
With that background, and an understanding of religious affiliation and rituals, I expect Deborah Feldman to be judged harshly by those who remain governed by ancient, rigid rules. I DO NOT EXPECT A RELIGIOUS MAN TO SUPPORT HER ACTIONS OR POINT OF VIEW.
As I say when the topic of abortion is discussed: “When men can conceive and deliver children, I’ll pay attention to what they say, but until then, their opinions are irrelevant.”
I also feel that way when women’s rights and decisions are involved.
The only admonition I have is to get over the anger, which I, too, carried for many years. Our elders live(d) in a different world and cannot understand ours.
And, I hope that we as parents demonstrate greater compassion.
Wow, Shirley. Thank you for sharing your story and your perspective. I’ve seen people say that Deborah had an “agenda” for writing this book. Yes, it’s called feminism. Once you’re a feminist, you will forever see the world through that lens. It’s almost impossible to explain to someone who doesn’t see things the same way.
Although nicely written, I find the book to have a lot of inconsistencies in its story. I deal with a lot of Hasidim in Brooklyn, and they are the nicest, most intelligent group you’ll meet, You cannot blame & bash a whole community when you war not happy, its plain disgusting,
You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but I personally didn’t feel that Deborah was bashing anyone.
The concept that “divorce is not the end of the world” is one that is challengening to understand until you have lived through it. When I was embarking upon divorce 2 years ago I thought my life was over. And while in many ways my life as it knew it at that time was over, it gave me the opportunity to create a new life for myself. Unlike many divorced women, my marriage was actually pretty good. We divirced due to differing opinions regarding growing our family (or lack of). And today, when people ask me about how my life is now, and whether it’s better, I often tell them that it’s different. Not better, not worse, just different. And it’s what I’ve got and I am making the most out of every day and every experience because you never know what’s going to happen!
So true, TL. Although this book isn’t really *about* divorce, I think it can still be a source of inspiration for those of us who have been through it (or maybe especially for those who are considering making a similar leap). Thanks for your comment!
Thank you so much for hosting this giveaway! With all the negativity surrounding Deborah’s book and backlash from the Orthodox community, I am excited to read her book and support her efforts to tell her story. As someone who has also struggled with extricating myself from a deeply religious community, I want to know how she escaped and found her freedom.
Thanks, E.B. I am sure Deborah is very happy to have so many people supporting her as well!
As someone who knows Deborah and her parents well, I was eager to purchase the book, and read her perspective. My eagerness quickly turned to shock, and then disgust. Not only were many details inaccurate, ( and inconsistent) but it seemed like , instead of respect for a young women who broke free, I was left feeling pity for a young women who will never be free. She is still in her twenties, ( too early for a memoir) and hasn’t been out of the community for more than a couple of years . Certainly not enough time to summarize a “new life”. Her divorce details weren’t clear, although what was clear that the sex wasn’t that good. Again- shock . Because as we all know sex gets better with more experience, and less inhibition- but instead of voicing what she wanted, she seemed to accept that this is how it was. ..Ok- its her memoir, cant argue with her feelings, but she seems so brazen with the rest of her memoir- showing strong character especially at college- I find it odd that in her own bedroom she didn’t have the same attitude. Unfortunately, I closed the book with an overall sense of a sad young woman , who is still searching for something. Mental Instabilty DOES run in the family, so I am left questioning if perhaps she has a touch of it too. The book is nicely written, and there’s a simple yet sophisticated style. Pretty impressive for a Satmar girl…I’d like to see where she and her book will be in ten years from now…I have a feeling she’ll forever be searching.
Simon, yours is the most balanced of the negative comments I’ve seen, and I thank you for that. Again, as a reader, I understand that not everyone in your community has a similar experience to Deborah’s. For her, the Hassidic lifestyle did not feel like “home,” and I think all people (male or female) deserve the chance to build the kind of life they want. I can’t comment on the truthfulness of Deborah’s portrayal, but my conversation with her gave me no reason to question her authenticity.
It sounds like an interesting book talking about an interesting journey. I look foward to reading it!
Thanks for your comment, Corrie!
While the Hassid celebrate diversity, see here Black Hassids on Oprah:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsKaYu4-dM0
And Here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFKsJPOU6vI
This book is celebrated by racists and Neo Nazis such as this one Mr Michael Hoffman who is a rabid Racists and Holocaust Denier, Very sad:
http://www.amazon.com/review/R11OCFL8OLHVNB/ref=cm_cr_pr_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=1439187002&nodeID=&tag=&linkCode=#wasThisHelpful
Wow. I simply do not believe that Deborah has provided any fodder for anti-semites.
While this post is focusing on Deborah’s divorce the book and interviews she gave is not much about her divorce.
Her goal is to paint the satmar hassidc sect as the Taliban in Afghanistan or at is best as a cult like David Koresh.Her desire is for the secular world to be grossed out of hassidic jews.Otherwise why else would she make up outrages things about the Satmar sect.There are plenty of odd things that hassisdc Jews live by which is a bit strange to non-observant Jews and to the secular world in general which they are proud of it.Distorting to lies is what hassidic Jews are upset.Anything she says has nothing to do with the williamsburg community its all her personal story.But who cares about someones story so she lowered herself to lies to make it sound that all women and men go through the same things that she did becuase this what the rules in the community calls for.You like reading a book about lies go ahead spend the money.
Thanks for your comment, Zissel. I always read a memoir as someone’s personal story and perspective, and rest assured that I do not assume that Deborah’s experiences are the same as yours. If you feel that Deborah misrepresented the Satmar sect as a group, then I understand why you’re upset, but to me, it seems more fruitful to find a platform from which to share your own positive stories than to campaign so strongly against Deborah.
While I haven’t yet read the book, I think that what strikes me as fascinating is her transition to being independent. I’m really looking forward to reading about her leap into financial independence as a single mother and student.
Thanks for your comment, Dina! The book doesn’t go very far into her single journey, but I think she may be writing more about that now.
Truly so empowering to hear other women’s stories. My divorce was final last December and I’m still coming to terms with missing someone who I was so miserable with. I too am learning for the first time how to live on my own at age 29, when so many of my friends are establishing their lives with their long-term partners. I see my experience as a blessing and the pain of the transition is lessened by knowing that others have walked this path before me and have come out the other side better for it.
I’m glad that things are getting better, Sara. Thanks for your comment!
I love that Deborah is openly broadcasting that you don’t have to be a part of a great romantic relationship in order to have self worth. So many people define themselves as being part of a couple, when we all really have important things to offer, as individuals, separate from our partners. I have always appreciated the freedom I feel in my own relationship with my husband to be my own person, to follow my own path.
There are these sad stories in our family where we had grandmothers whose lives were so inextricably tied to taking care of their husbands, that when their husbands died before them, it was almost as if they either couldn’t go on functioning or chose lives of solitude, which had to be very lonely. I can’t imagine the same for myself and am glad I have other relationships in my life that would help carry me through the dark times if something similar were to happen.
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You seem to be striking a good balance between being your own woman (and pursuing your own dreams) and having a very successful marriage! I am still so impressed that you traveled internationally with a toddler on your own!!