I was stunned to read this post about how immature and selfish divorce is. The author makes some interesting points, but her logic is heavily flawed in places. I don’t have the emotional energy to tear it apart line by line, but I just want to say this: If anyone reading this needs permission to “just run away” from what they think is an unhealthy relationship, I hereby grant it.
Am I pro-divorce? Not necessarily. But I’m entirely against the idea that anyone should have to live in fear or pain because of his or her spouse. Life is too short, people! Everyone deserves to feel safe in their own home.
Divorce is not just for “dumb” people or the mentally ill. That is absurd. Is divorce rough on children? Absolutely. But what children need is to learn how to relate to other people in a healthy way, and that is not always possible while living under the same roof as both Mom and Dad, especially if they are beating on each other.
The author of this post received a surprising number of supportive comments from those who agree that more couples need to suck it up rather than get divorced. Maybe more divorces could be avoided, but it’s a deeply personal decision that I don’t think anyone takes lightly. It’s impossible to know the precise dynamics involved in any marriage but your own, so criticizing anyone else’s decision to divorce is nothing short of ludicrous.
*****
Hannah was the winner of the Unorthodox giveaway. Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful comments.
I Want to Know
What do you think? Do more people need to “suck it up?” Are there times when it’s in the kids’ best interest for their parents to divorce?
Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!
It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
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Penelope Trunk used to be someone I admired. Over the past year, I’ve slowly lost respect for her and this post of hers was hammered in the final nail in the mental coffin I’ve since placed her in … I have been seething over the post of hers for days!!
Frankly, I think she is desperate to defend her psychotic rhetoric and lame reasoning as to why she chooses to stay in an abusive relationship. Posting such junk is not only insulting to just about 1 out of every 2 readers, but it is also immature and selfish. I think when you are a blogger with such a huge reach, you have a sort of blogger-responsibility to avoid attempts to pass off utter garbage as sound “advice”.
Staying together through any form of abuse and/or high-conflict that rages on unresolved “for the sake of the kids” is delusional. Just as there are plenty of studies out there claiming that divorce can be harmful for children, there are also plenty of studies showing that growing up in an environment of high-conflict and/or abuse is almost always harmful for children.
For me, leaving my STBX was the very BEST thing I could do for my son.
Phenom´s last [type] ..When you need to love yourself
Thanks for weighing in, Phenom. She does have incredible reach, and I certainly hope that her post doesn’t convince any readers that they have some sort of obligation to stay in an abusive situation.
I really, really tried to keep an open mind as I read this article. But when she got to the part about staying together even after violent behavior, I just could not continue to read without judgement. Violent partners (men or women) don’t change unless the root of their violence is uncovered.
Which is difficult to do because it requires a careful process of introspection. I should know, I lived with an abusive husband who slapped me, threatened to kill me, pushed me into a closet, spit in my face and dragged me off our bed, causing an excrutiatingly painful, permanent back injury. And yet I stayed. Because he was my husband and I made a promise. He was relatively calm and avoided being violent for a year. But then one day he snapped again. And that was it, it wasn’t worth risking my life anymore.
Life is too precious, too much of a gift to spend it in fear. If that means I’m selfish, then I’ll wear that label with pride. Being selfish saved my life.
Wow, Hannah. You’ve been through a lot. I’m so glad that you were “selfish” enough to get yourself free.
Divorce can be such a touchy subject and everyone deals with it differently. It isn’t so much the different opinions that are such a bad thing – it is just the way that some people express them that is the problem.
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Excellent point, Christine! I totally agree.
I’ve followed her blog off an on for a year and it is very clear that she has asperger syndrome (as she claims she does). It hinders her ability to show empathy and complicates most of her relationships. I certainly don’t agree with many of her points but it is an interesting and different viewpoint.
Yeah, I noticed that she describes herself as having Asberger’s. That certainly adds another element to it, but it probably makes it even less relevant for her to make such generalizations about other people’s relationships.
I haven’t read the blog you mentioned, but I have kept up with your blog, and your “memoir” blog for a long time. I don’t think I have ever commented before. I really appreciate what you went through, and that you made a hard decision and got out of what you believe was a bad relationship for you, and you have your own experience that no one else, least of all me, could ever live. I won’t try to say that my own experience is any more real or true than yours, because I know that it’s not. But your blog largely focuses on perspectives and experiences similar to your own — the experience of someone who left. It really does not acknowledge the story of those who were left, who were devastated, whose lives were virtually decimated. And in that, I think it really fails to tell a complete story of divorce.
But best of luck to you.
Stephanie, you are totally correct, and this is why I welcome guest submissions! I can only tell my story. I sincerely wish that I would receive more contributions sharing different perspectives. Are you interested?
Um wow. Now that I read that article, I am seriously pissed off. That is the most off-base thing I have ever read. Laden with opinion, not fact, and downright criticism, it’s baseless!! And I completely agree with you, divorce is an extremely personal decision. It is by no means selfish EVERY time and it is by no means ALWAYS bad for the children and it is by no means ONLY done by DUMB people. Wow. Just wow.
jobo´s last [type] ..A WINNING Friday.
Yes, yes, yes. AND she tries to pass her opinions off as fact.
If you follow her blog regularly you would have read that she is in an abusive relationship. I believe that she is using the argument that divorce is bad as an EXCUSE to stay in her current marriage. Divorce should not be taken lightly, of course, but if the marriage is bad and unrecoverable, get out! It’s better for everyone.
Totally. I read through a bunch of her older posts since I don’t follow her regularly. It seems like an extremely dysfunctional situation, but what do I know? Thanks for weighing in.
I am really not against to divorce.. I can prove it with my separated parents.. They are happy for their decisions..
Mrs.Batista´s last [type] ..Acne Home Remedy
Every day I thank my lucky stars that my mom left my dad.
He did enough damage on his visitations, I shudder to think what we might have become had he parented us full time.
And I’m damn glad for both my divorces. Best things I ever did for myself, and my children.
They deserve to see their mom happy and healthy.
I didn’t run away. I kicked them the hell out.
It’s great to hear your perspective as a child whose parents divorced. And of course I agree that your own kids deserve to see you happy. You are obviously a strong woman!
thank you for this post! i saw the link on facebook, and didn’t comment (or comment on the post itself) for fear of retaliation.
there are plenty of situations where divorce makes sense … her post seemed to be heavily based on her experience, and bitterness over her own divorce.
Yes, I sensed some bitterness there, too. Thanks for weighing in here. I’m glad that you felt comfortable doing so.