Divorced Before 30

Today’s guest post is from Liz Lobster, who describes herself as an Über-Bookworm, Writer, Clown, Philosopher, Realist, Idealist, Cynic, and PANK (Professional Auntie with No Kids). She’s recently divorced and about to turn 29.

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So, this past week I had the extremely satisfying opportunity of advising my ex-husband to invest in a certain iPhone app (see picture). Nope, I’m not a cruel *#&@ just waiting for a chance to get back at him. He really walked into this one…

Sunday morning. I return to my car after taking a run on the mountain trails…and there’s a missed call on my phone from my ex-husband.

GWR, as he is now labelled on my Caller ID. STRANGE, haven’t heard from him since the divorce…both of us going our separate ways as one is fortunate enough of being allowed after a divorce when you don’t have any kids together.

Confused, I return the call but get no answer. So I text: “You were trying to get a hold of me?”

As I plunk myself down in my bff’s kitchen, getting ready to help with the prep for our Sunday lunch, I get the following text reply from GWR:

“Was just missing you wildly. You were one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it *#%& out. I guess it’s post-drunken-blues talking here…”

BACK STORY:

At this particular moment in my life I am running mountains, partying the night away, trying to get over the fact that my best guy-bff (now labeled as Judas Iscariot on my caller-ID) has just decided to hook up with the Wicked Witch of the Western Province…AGAIN!!! Like really? She’s screwed YOU over before, she’s screwed ME over before, and that goes for pretty much everyone we know. And yet they “have developed feelings for each other again.” SERIOUSLY!!!

Lamenting and mourning the loss of this bff (this acronym sounding quite ironic right now), while anxiously awaiting “national kick-a-ginger-day” to get in a good dose of Schadenfreude at the WWW’s suffering (VERY desperate for revenge, because let’s face it; Ginger-discrimination is a load of nonsense made-up by people without lives of their own), while translating Sicilian curses into English and then appropriating them for effectiveness on a woman… (“May your fingers turn into fishing hooks, and your balls start to itch…,” I say no more), thinking that I’m NEVER going to get over this…

I get a text from my ex-husband, essentially telling me that he now realizes (MUCH TOO LATE) that I’m the bee’s-knees, and that he is missing me. Wildly.

Goodness, what a reframe. While my ex-husband is moping around at home thinking of me…I’m already heart-broken over another man…

Another man who will also, given time, realize that I am Wonder Woman…the best thing that’s ever happened to him. It will be too late by then. But I will have moved on with my life, and will hardly remember him.

Smacked in the face with this realization resulted in me CRACKING UP and folding over with laughter! Was obviously forced to share the story with my long-time girlfriend who was chopping onions at the kitchen table at that moment, puzzling over the ‘Toronto blessing’ that had suddenly overcome me. And then…we both ended up rolling on the kitchen floor with laughter… Literally. Washing the floor with the tears-of-laughter streaming from our faces.

My reply to GWR: “Ha ha, MUST BE post-drunken-blues. My advice: go have a little lie-down and wait for the feeling to pass. Also, there’s this iPhone app I’m highly recommending…”

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Thanks to Liz for the guest post! Please visit her at her brand-new blog (you’ll find this post there as well), tata20s: saying farewell to my twenties.

Your Turn

• Do you have any similar texting stories with your ex?
• Do you know anyone who could use this app?

In case you missed it, I was recently featured in a great article on YouBeauty.com: “Young and Divorced: How to Bounce Back.”

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”