Divorced Before 30

Today’s cross-post is from Liz Lobster, blogger at tata20s.

*****

Driving home from the city tonight, station-hopping the radio, I came across a local station’s music program for the evening: Best-ever Break-up songs. Yup, they were taking requests.

Hopped on my phone for a bit of Blackberry-Roulette (don’t tell my parents!), and texted in a couple of requests. The nasty stuff, ya know. All from my “Wallow” playlist on iTunes.

*Phone rings*

Caller ID with area code from all the way ‘cross country…

Strange.

Turns out the local radio station wasn’t broadcasting all THAT local tonight, and Mr DJ had decided to give me a call:

“Hello, this is DJ Blah-blah from La-la FM. Whom am I speaking to?”

“This is Liz Lobster.”

“You requested Cee Lo Green’s song “Forget me?” Could you just stay on the line for a bit so we can chat with you…”

“I’M NOT GOING ON AIR!!!”

“Why not? We just want to ask you a couple of questions about your break-up…”

“No thank you. Privacy and sensitivity issues.”

“We won’t ask you any embarrassing questions.”

“Don’t care. Thanks, but no thanks.”

“But…”

“Good bye.”

(click “end call”)

Here’s the thing:

Today was the day on which I updated my Revenge Strategy. I’m talking Revenge on the Ex. It just sorta happened, you know.

Until recently I believed that—and was often quoted as saying—“The best revenge is looking good.”

To my surprise, I learned this morning from a source that my ex-husband (with whom I have very little contact) is indeed driven mad with regret…not so much because of the fact that I’m looking better and happier than I ever have…but because of the kindness and grace I’m still showing him on the few occasions we do have contact. Word on the street is that it’s hard for him to know that he let such a great girl slip through his fingers.

So, in Five Simple Points, I came up with some thoughts on Post Break-up Revenge that I wanted to share with all ya all:

• Work at getting back to your pre-bitterness, kind, sweet self. A break-up or divorce can drive you to do and say nasty things. Reality check: by being bitter, the person you are hurting and spiting the most is YOU!

• Rediscover your own identity, your own interests and passions. Chances are that you sacrificed a lot of these things thinking it would please your ex. BORING! Get down with exploring the world of music, art, literature, sports, hobbies…redefining your identity (Read: moving on) is sure to drive him insane.

• Make a point of not discussing your ex in a negative light in the public sphere. Sure you need to vent and rage about the injustices he/she’s done you to your close friends/a therapist/your mentors. But here’s the thing: your friends don’t really want to read Facebook status updates about the bitch your ex cheated on you with. Nope, we don’t want to know that you caught them together in bed (on returning to her place unannounced to collect your stuff), and that her new bf has a real tiny *#&@. Do public insults and rants make your friends rally behind you?  Not so much. More likely they’re a bit embarrassed and sorry for you. More importantly: it just makes your ex feel relieved and glad that they got rid of you. Unless that’s what you were going for…?

• Find ways to regain your confidence. You are awesome! Just because. You don’t need a partner by your side to make you worthy. Yes, starting a career in Serial Dating and Rebound Relationships and rubbing it in his/her face is beneath you, girl/dude! All that does is to get you stuck in a cycle of bad relationships. Confidence comes from being content and happy with yourself, and having ambition to build the character that you value.

• Focus on a goal outside of yourself. You always wanted to make a difference in some area—now’s your chance. Not only will it keep you focused on a positive goal, but there’s also a load of confidence that comes from knowing that you’re making a contribution somewhere in society.

• Looking gooooood! Oops, that’s number six. But I can’t leave that one out. So here it is: take care of yourself. Get into shape, lead a healthy lifestyle. Block out temptations to self-harm. Starving yourself will only lead to your friends pitying you, and a cranky you. Repeat often: “I will be good to my body.” Nothing says “I’m okay without you” like a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

Moral of the story: hatred, self-pity, self-harm, and nastiness only generate feelings of pity, embarrassment, and distance in your friends (and your ex). The biggest loser: YOU!

Nope, we want the ex to woefully think of us as “the one that got away.” The one that was too good for them. The one they didn’t really deserve.

Without having a personal Revenge Strategy Planning Meeting, I’ve started working on these points. It feels good. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m looking goooood (IMHO).

Also, revenge is not very high up on my priority list anymore. Actually, I’ve decided not to spend any energy on that purpose. The joke was on me: I’ve rediscovered my self—the self that wishes no one any harm.

Yes, my ex-husband seems to regret what he’s lost in me. But the truth is that I only wish him happiness.

Maybe I should forward him my thoughts on Post Break-up Revenge?

*****

Thanks to Liz for sharing this post with Divorced Before 30! If you didn’t catch her first post here, “There’s an App for That,” go check it out!

Readers, Liz wants to know: What post break-up revenge strategies have you employed?  How did that work out for you?

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”