The #1 way that divorce has affected my current relationship is that I see marriage as less of a “destination” and more as an ongoing (hopefully lifelong) process. It’s not about the wedding; it’s about the day-to-day life that you build with someone who is your friend, partner, and lover. You’re not stuck together—marriages can be undone, after all—but if you’re lucky and you work hard at it, the two of you can create something worth sticking around for.

Here’s what the rest of you had to say about how divorce has affected your relationship outlook:

“I’m more comfortable with me. I’m more willing to speak my mind.”

“I am desperate to avoid the same pitfalls, so I overthink everything I say to my boyfriend. I am overcautious not to be ‘unfair’ to him, and I obsess over making this one ‘right.’ He’s patient, but he does have to tell me, ‘Hey, I’m not him, and this is different.’”

“I was bitter for awhile, many months. I went to a wedding a month after my separation and I hated being there. I thought the whole ceremony was a fraud, and I was in an unhealthy mental state at that point. When it comes to dating, I’ve been very cautious. I’ve done my best to make sure I don’t have a ‘rebound,’ but I’ve met someone amazing. I was friends with him before my marriage fell apart, and after my separation, we became better friends. Suddenly, I realized he was my favorite person in the whole world. We are extremely compatible and mature. If anything, divorce taught me how to think rationally about relationships. I’m taking everything very slowly.”

“I won’t repeat the same mistakes twice. I have learned so much from my divorce and past marriage and I apply them all the time to my relationship with [my boyfriend]. It’s making us much more successful!”

“I don’t commit and cling right away. I am getting out there and meeting different people. I feel like you won’t know who Mr. Right for You is if you just bait and hook the first man who gives you attention. I try to work an equal balance between my career, son, friends and men! It is definitely a challenge. I admit, though, that I have been seeing someone for about five months now and he and I both feel ready to be a bit more serious. Fortunately, he also is divorced and understands why I want and have to be careful.”

“I appreciate all of the big and small things my 2nd husband does for me. He does such an amazing job of respecting me, and it’s wonderful. I ain’t ’bout to forget it!”

“I was told unexpectedly one day by my husband that he no longer wanted to be married. The next month of my life, he wouldn’t allow me to touch him, wouldn’t sleep next to me, “forgot” to answer his phone, and would hardly come home at night. Trust has become the number one issue for me. I was married to a man who was the kindest, most loving, considerate, and trustworthy man. My family and friends adored him. He had high morals, good values, and loving traits. I, nor anyone else, would ever have suspected him of cheating. However, he did. And it hurt very, very bad because it was something so unexpected. I never saw it coming. So, I have a very hard time trusting people in my life. I feel I always will because you never know when someone will just ‘switch.’”

“I have found that I crave physical connection, not sex necessarily, but just being close to another man. The last week, I realized that I am rebounding, hard! That thought made me realize that I wasn’t wanting another man; I was wanting intimacy. So now I am trying to cultivate intimacy (not of the sexual nature) in my important relationships (mom, dad, brothers, best friend). I don’t know when/if I’ll date again, but I’m determined to be happy regardless!

*****

I Want to Know

• Do you have any advice for readers who may be feeling insecure in a new relationship?
• How about advice for readers who feel like they’ll never be able to trust another romantic partner again?

Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!

She decided to get divorced when she realized that her rocky relationship was never going to improve. “I realized that sacrificing my love life and happiness for the rest of my life wasn’t going to do anyone any good, and potentially deal me a lot of harm,” she said.

Elizabeth Gilbert did “Eat, Pray, Love,” so I asked our guest blogger what three verbs helped her to recover from her divorce. “If I had to narrow it down to three verbs,” she wrote, “probably Eat, Run, and Love.  I love food, running really helps me clear my head, and I’ve come to find a new love in my life (which I feel very fortunate for).”

Finally, I asked Ruby Leigh whether there’s been a “silver lining” of her divorce. “While divorce has been a headache for a variety of reasons,” she wrote, “most of my marriage was so difficult that the freedom that divorce has provided has really been a huge positive.”

Here’s what she had to say about dating after divorce.

*****

When I divorced last fall, I seriously entertained the idea of “being single” for a while and trying to do that super-duper independent woman thing. However, out of sheer stupidity or maybe just curiosity I signed up for one of those free dating sites. Most of my memories of dating pre-marriage are relatively positive, so I guess I figured I might as well have some fun.

The first date I went on was with this guy who I thought was seemingly “perfect”…I spent time oogling over his profile. He was a runner, a liberal, and had a good career ta-boot, wha hoo!!!  But back on earth—not more then 20 minutes into the first date—he asks me three questions:

• Do you have a kid?
• Have you ever committed a felony?
• Have you ever been married? [Wha?!]

Gasping, I was like no and no…and yes. Apparently, having been married is on par with having committed a felony.

The date continued, and I’ll admit he was friendly enough, but I got the feeling that since I was divorced I was now a “used goods” kind of girl and all bets were off in terms of even pretending to maintain any display of being gentlemanly (or maybe that’s most men these days).  He also said he couldn’t date me for this reason. It was mostly weird, to be honest, but it showed me that there is still a stigma around divorce. And honestly, while I can look at this story now and not take it personally… it really really stung at the time.

Another guy I met on this site was mostly a wild hair idea to begin with. He wasn’t “my type” but seemed like the kind of person who could hold a decent conversation. I decided to meet him for coffee and desserts just to see what would come of it. It was a nice time talking, but he didn’t “know wine,” he didn’t make lots of money, he didn’t run, and while we had a good time talking, I felt he was totally in the friend zone toward the end of the date.  He offered to drive me home, and when he was dropping me off at the door…he sealed the evening with a kiss. It was such a surprise and a bold move, that I thought, hmm…, maybe there is more here.

Between date one and date two, we had a few solid conversations. Due to my experience with the other guy, I told him I had been previously married, and it turned out he was divorced too. Not something I would have been thrilled about in a previous life, but it was nice to find someone who understood. On date two, we chose to go to an apple orchard, which errs on the cheesy side for some—but I’m totally into the “having good clean fun” thing —so the fact that he game for this was a win in general. The seemingly shy guy I had met on the first date turned out to have a great sense of humor and kept me in stitches the whole time. I could tell then that he was honest, smart, and respectful. We’ve continued to date ever since.

I think there is a crowd out there who is quick to judge the individual who starts dating shortly after a long-term relationship, especially one as significant as marriage. Like maybe I didn’t take my marriage seriously, maybe I’m relationship-dependent, maybe I’m ignoring real problems, maybe I’m settling, and maybe I’m weak.  While I can understand some of these sentiments and honestly welcome the dialogue, I just wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes (and I believe there are those who don’t).

I’m not saying this relationship is perfect, as I’m not one to proliferate notions of domestic bliss anyway…or that I will necessarily marry this man, but I am here to say I’m happy and my relationship past doesn’t have to dictate my future.

*****

How About You?
Have you felt judged by people you dated after your divorce?
Or, have you felt judged for moving on relatively quickly?

Thanks to Ruby Leigh for the great post! You can visit her at Foodalyst: Analyzing Food and Life and follow her on twitter @rubyleigh.

Visit me at my other blog, emmasota, or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!

Jeske hit rock bottom after her supernova, struggling with depression and anxiety. She provides some pretty sound advice to other recently-divorced people, pointing out that another person—a new lover—can’t rescue you from the emotional fall-out of divorce. Truly, it takes time to recover, and many people are probably better off waiting to date. I totally agree. And yet, I dove into what could have been a “rebound” relationship just six weeks after my divorce. I’d been on a couple of dates in the interim, but my first post-divorce relationship got serious almost immediately. Mistake? For me, no. In fact, this week marks five years with Mr. More-than-a-Rebound.

Why did it work? Maybe it was just dumb luck, but I think there were several factors that helped:

• I was the one who initiated my divorce, and emotionally, I’d been “done” for months.
• I was already friends with my new love interest before my divorce (and before my marriage, in fact).
• I wasn’t afraid to talk to my new love about my marriage.
• I didn’t talk about my marriage to my new love all that often.
• My new love was extremely understanding and didn’t feel threatened by my previous marriage.
• I didn’t pretend to be entirely over my divorce.
• I was proactive about taking care of myself and pursuing important personal goals like getting out of debt.
• I set boundaries about how often I stayed at my new love’s place.
• I made an effort to spend time with my girlfriends and my family.
• I went to therapy to work through my divorce and wasn’t afraid to admit that I needed it.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the right person at what seems to be precisely the wrong time. Maybe it will explode dramatically, supernova-style, but it could also turn out to be the real deal. I am grateful for the amazing five years that I’ve had with my Mr. More-than-a-Rebound, and I look forward to many, many more.

*****

I’d love to hear from you on this!

Have you had what Jeske calls a “supernova” relationship after your divorce (or a bad break up)?
Or, like me, did you dive into a new relationship that has since lasted?
How long did it take you before you felt emotionally ready for a new relationship after your marriage or serious relationship fell apart?

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! Men are welcome, too! If you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!

If you’re lucky enough to experience the exhilarating thrill of finding a pretty damn good fit, the humiliating part pays off. I won’t say “perfect,” because I’m no longer convinced that’s a helpful way of looking at the world. Or bikinis. Or love, for that matter. Such a mindset previously led me on a several-years-long quest for such an inconsequential “treasure” as the perfect brown shoes. Who has the energy for that? So. I was a very recently divorced 29-year-old, living in my parents’ basement, and much to my own surprise, I actually wanted to date again.

I felt like I had seen what was behind the curtain, and the rules of the game seemed clear. I was disgusted with the old-fashioned drill of meeting guys in a lame twist of fate, like on a plane (I had), at church (check), at work (yep), or in a bar (of course I did). This time, I wanted to go about it more intentionally. You know, actually think about what qualities I was looking for ahead of time. A radical concept, I know. So, just a month after my divorce, I did the practical thing—I jumped on the match.com bandwagon and started spying on potential dates in my pajamas.

Was it too early to be dating? Maybe. But, my heart had slowly detached from my marriage months before I escaped, and I felt more at home in my own brain now than I had in years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but I was intrigued by the process of screening potential dates online and making better decisions about who I chose to spend my time with. I had lots of good reasons to slink my way back into the dating pool, but mostly, putting myself back out there felt assertive, and when life gets this woman down, “proactive” may as well be my middle name.