Divorced Before 30

Catch up on Divorced Before 30!

Part 1: How I Left My Husband on My Lunch Break
On August 22, 2006, I left my husband a “Dear John” letter and drove home to Minnesota.

Part 2: Drastically and Dramatically
John called me on the road, but I wasn’t ready to talk. “I needed the miles and the time to cleanse myself entirely from the filth of dysfunction that had permeated my heart.”

Part 3: Ruby Slippers
I made it to my parents’ house. “It wasn’t as simple as clicking my ruby-slippered heels, but it turns out that I had the power to go home all along.”

Part 4: On Vacation
My boss back in Illinois told me to take a few days off. I talked to John a few times, and “I felt cold and detached and began to wonder if I my defenses were so strong that the tears might never come.”

Part 5: The Apocalypse
“If I thought that the tears would never come on Wednesday, Thursday brought a deluge. Literally.”

Part 6: Out of Hot Water
“I was in a hurry to flesh out exactly where my marriage stood. Why? Life with John dealt conflict like I’d only seen in movies.” I told John that I wanted a divorce.

Part 7: A Massive Attack
Is it possible to have Catholic guilt without being Catholic? “I was more sure than ever before that God has an excellent sense of humor.”

Part 8: For the Love of Checklists
“Checklists provide an excellent semblance of order when your world is in shambles (of getting-divorced proportions).” I started to work out Plan B.

Part 9: Best Intentions
“After I left my husband, I was showered with e-mails and calls of the I’m-here-for-you ilk.” Sometimes they were less than helpful. Especially this one: “Thank God you didn’t have kids with him.” My biological clock was ticking.

Part 10: Scene of the Crime
“Believe it or not, I went to church on the Sunday following my Catholic beat-down. My parents encouraged me to join them at the campus chapel where I got married, and I fell for it.”

Part 11: Highway 52 Revisited
A couple weeks after I left my husband, I finally ventured out of the house to go to a Bob Dylan concert with my dad and brothers. I got really drunk and realized that my life wasn’t over.

Part 12: Small-Town Girl
“The dangers of small towns are many. For example, it’s nearly impossible to maintain any sense of anonymity during a life crisis.” I went out downtown with some girlfriends and reflected on the pros and cons of being a small-town girl.

Part 13: Putting Down Roots, Part 1
“It had been almost a month since I left John, and I was experiencing renewed attachment to Minnesota.” In this post, I describe several main characters: Daniela (college friend), Andrea (college friend), Megan (high school friend), Kate (college friend), and Josh (college friend and “pseudo date”).

Part 14: Putting Down Roots, Part 2
In this post, I describe my siblings: Andy (oldest of my three younger brothers), Kent (middle brother), Skipp (youngest brother), and Hilary (Andy’s wife, my sister-in-law). Kent and Skipp were living at home with me.

Part 15: On the Road?
“So, I generally love road trips. But. It was Thursday, September 21, 2006, and Mom, Dad, Tucker, and I were about to leave for Illinois to clean out the rental house where John and I had lived.” Plans changed. My sister-in-law, Hilary, delivered my first nephew, Ethan, eight weeks early.

Part 16: On Parents, Purging, and Purification
“The day after my nephew was born, I hit the road for Illinois bright and early, parents and pup in tow. It was Friday morning, and we had 48 hours to orchestrate a highly profitable garage sale, box up all my worldly belongings, clean the shit out of the house, and pack up a U-Haul trailer.”

Part 17: Divorce Eve
After my parents left town, I went to stay with my church friends, Julie and Jodi, and their five-month-old son, Reuben. In this post, I reflect on gay marriage.

Part 18: Dissolved and Disillusioned
In this post, I describe what it was like to get divorced. “I was entirely disillusioned with the process, but I had the two things I had come back to Illinois to reclaim (besides my favorite jeans): My last name and my life.”

Part 19: Singular Sweetness
After going to the courthouse, I was treated to a great home-cooked meal with Julie and Jodi. “That night, as I pulled up my covers, I said a prayer of thanksgiving for being the only person in the queen-sized bed.”

Part 20: Who I Would Miss
In this post, I talk about the great friends from Illinois who I would miss, including work friends and my running buddies, Shannon and Megan. Shannon was pregnant and Megan was preparing to adopt a baby from Guatemala. They’d both helped me explore my own fertility challenges.

Part 21: Mantra of Desperation
When I got home from my trip to Illinois, I set out to organize my life. My company in Illinois was going to allow me to telecommute, so I created a home office at my parents’ house. “Organization: Key to success!”

Part 22: Used Goods
“As I photographed my [wedding] rings to list them on eBay, I sent up a cosmic “sorry” to the [divorced] guy who didn’t make it past my deal-breaker list.”

Part 23: Slinking Back into the Pool
“I was a very recently divorced 29-year-old, living in my parents’ basement, and much to my own surprise, I actually wanted to date again.” I started looking around on match.com.

Part 24: A New Normal
“I had just spent the last year of my life in drama central, so after my divorce, I worked intentionally to create a new normal.” The new normal included telecommuting from coffee shops, walking my dog Tucker, visiting a local bakery, hanging out with my parents, running with my girlfriends, and visiting baby Ethan in the NICU.

Part 25: This Pirate Walks into a Bar
“At the end of the month, I reflected on my new adventures in post-divorce dating, and I still had trouble believing that I could do whatever I wanted. The nightmares of being trapped in the house with John persisted, but in real life, I was free.”

Part 26: An Unexpected Twist
A prospect from match.com turned out to be sleeping with a friend of mine. “And he was supposedly one of the “good guys!” Maybe I wasn’t cut out for dating after all. Thank God I had a pseudo-date planned with my friend Josh for Tuesday night. The timing couldn’t have been better. I’d known him for 11 years and knew he was a salt-of-the-earth good guy.”

Part 27: Pseudo Date
On Election Day, I went on a “pseudo date” with Josh. I told him all about my marriage, we went to a play, and had a late-night dinner. We talked about love and relationships, and I shared my latest theory: “It’s all about timing.” I ended up staying at his condo.

Part 28: A Heated Debate
Josh and I kissed. “It was disorienting to cross that threshold with such an old friend, but it wasn’t just weird; it was weird-good, and I knew right away that it was entirely worth the risk.”

Part 29: A Little Heavy for a Wednesday
The next morning, Josh sent me a pretty amazing e-mail. Here’s a snippet: “I don’t regret the tiniest iota of what happened last night, and to say I’m excited about the possibilities would be a drastic understatement.”

Part 30: The Whole Timing Theory
I tried to ease any fears Josh might have about my divorce. “Once I’d found the courage to leave the madness, any emotional shades of gray had come sharply into focus. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t blame Josh if the recency of my marital debacle made him want to run screaming.”

Part 31: Damn the Collective Voice of Reason
What next with Josh? “A smart woman would try to be casual. Level-headed. Collected. She would remind herself that she’d only been divorced for six weeks and realize that, hello, the last thing she needed was to hurt or be hurt. Was I that smart woman? Hardly…however, the collective voice of reason prevailed (damn it), so we played it safe and made plans for the following Tuesday.”

Part 32: He Called in Sick
Josh called in sick for what should have been our second date, so naturally, I was freaking out!

Part 33: My Little Champ
On the night I should have been out on my first real date with Josh, my brain was working overtime. So I wrote him an e-mail, and I didn’t get a response from him until around noon the next day, when he called me from his HOSPITAL BED.

Part 34: I, For One, Wanted Nothing Less
“As it turns out, an urban hospital is an excellent site for a first date. After work, I drove up to Minneapolis to visit Josh in the hospital.”

Part 35: The Chili Con Carne Was Innocent
“The Friday after my hospital rendezvous with Josh, we had plans to get together with his book club, a handful of college basketball teammates and their significant others.” I ended up taking Josh to the ER. The next day, Josh sent me a really sweet e-mail (included in post).

Part 36: A Man with Flour in His Kitchen
“It had been only three months since I’d left my husband on my lunch break, and today, I was divorced, living in my hometown, and rediscovering myself by shedding the anxiety that had slowly constricted me during my short-lived marriage.” I sent a sappy e-mail back to Josh.

Part 37: Eating Humble Pie
On Thanksgiving, I went to my family gathering and struggled with my post-divorce holiday. “The beautiful thing about family gatherings is that they aren’t about me (or you, for that matter). They’re about us, and no matter how trying life becomes, there’s great solidarity where laughter, babies, and copious amounts of food are present.” I had dessert at Josh’s parents’ house and met his siblings.

Part 38: Stand-Up-and-Clap Joy
“Mom and I filed into the theater, surrounded by shorties dressed to the nines in velvet, tartan, and patent leather. We were, quite possibly, the only unaccompanied adults at the Children’s Theatre Company’s production of Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

Part 39: The Muckiest Muck Imaginable
“Life was humming right along in December 2006. I was spending a lot of quality time with my girlfriends, staying at Josh’s condo in Minneapolis a couple times a week, and enjoying a cushy living arrangement in my parents’ basement. Just when I was finally feeling stable, one of my closest friends took a crushing blow. Andrea lost her mom to alcoholism.”

Part 40: Running Naked Through a Library
I’ve found that writing about difficult life circumstances is like running naked through a library—there’s just no doing it halfway. Now, I’m not advocating for the practice of “streaking” public spaces, but I did just that on more than one occasion with my college cross country team.

Part 41: Overwhelming Comfort
“It was mid-December, and after four months of telecommuting, I’d grown weary of being alone all day. I decided to mix things up by camping out at different coffeehouses on Main Street. Between bouts of heavy editorial effort, I gulped coffee and watched college students procrastinate. My often banal days were punctuated by e-mail exchanges with Josh.”

Part 42: Morally Unsettled
“While I was riddled with all sorts of divorce-related guilt, having a physical relationship with another man felt surprisingly legitimate. I was delighted to rediscover loving, no-strings-attached sensuality, and it was reassuring to feel that I was still worthy of—and capable of—love.”

Part 43: Smile and Swig
“I managed to smile and swig my way through the rest of the gathering, but later that night, when I crawled into bed next to Josh, I buried my head in his neck and sobbed. I was so damn tired of the whole thing: the dating, the forming attachments, the questioning, the breaking up.”

Part 44: Back on the Wedding Horse
“In January 2007, I received an invitation to what I could only assume would be a hellish affair—my first post-divorce wedding. A friend from my hometown would be playing the role of bride, and she’d chosen (dear God!) the chapel where I married John and “our” reception site.”

Part 45: If I Just Kept Running
“Nothing gets me through a tough case of the blahs better than a goal, and the more challenging, the better. With my 30th birthday just a few months away, I wanted to be in a better place mentally. So, I registered for a marathon, signed up for an 8-week writing class, and started looking for a job in Minneapolis.”

Part 46: A Scientist Through and Through
“I learned that [Josh’s] spiritual views were more complex than I realized. He didn’t believe in anything. He was a scientist through and through, and he operated under the assumption that nothing in life is ever 100% certain. When he said nothing, he meant it. God and love were not exempt.”

Part 47: Hope in a Diaper
“About five months after my divorce was final, I returned once again to the chapel where I got married. This time, it was for my nephew Ethan’s baptism.” I beat myself up a lot on this day, but, “In retrospect, it’s clear to me what I could have seen that day: That we are all inherently worthy.”

Part 48: Writing and Retrospection
This is a post about the craft of writing a blogoir. “I first tried to write about my divorce three years ago, but my wounds were too damn fresh. It was like writing in a diary when you’re afraid that someone might find it—you hold back, and the results are bland at best.”

Part 49: Piping Hot Pizza
In March 2007, I was still struggling a lot with the divorce (and I definitely needed some therapy), but I was mostly happy. This post talks about the chemistry between me and Josh and how he asked me to live with him (some day).

Part 50: Just Plain Nuts
“My life was in flux, and as much as I longed to nail down all of the unknowns, I just had to be patient.” I was looking for new jobs, hoping to move to Minneapolis, and had the March-in-Minnesota blahs. I started a now-defunct blog called “Just Plain Nuts.”

Part 51: A Mad Dash
In late March, I accepted a job at a Minneapolis nonprofit, put in my two weeks’ notice, and arranged to move in with my friend Megan until the end of the summer. I was going on a trip to Colorado with my college girlfriends over Easter. Before leaving, I visited my infant nephew Ethan in the hospital.

Part 52: Can You Imagine the Horror?
The trip was exactly what I needed as I transitioned from one job to the next and prepared to move out on my own for the first time since leaving my ex-husband. My heart was soaring high until my dad called to say that was something really wrong with my 6-month-old nephew, Ethan. He’d been diagnosed with Shaken Baby Syndrome, and his daycare provider was the suspect.

Part 53: The News was Good
Ethan was expected to make a full recovery. I started my new job the day after Ethan got out of the hospital, and the next weekend, Tucker and I moved in with Megan. Josh wrote me an e-mail about living together, which got me thinking about marriage: “If I ever got married again, it would be because I already felt married, he already felt married, and—what do you know?—it worked.”

Part 54: Prone to Acting Out
By the end of April, I felt relatively at home in my new surroundings. My dog, Tucker, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure about life in an urban apartment. Helping Tucker adjust to his new home (eventually with a doggie daycare arrangement) made me realize just how natural it is to become stressed by change.

Part 55: When I’m with You, Part 1
Josh and I attended the intimate wedding ceremony of Chris and Corri, friends from the Picnic League. I had a talk with Chris about my divorce, and Corri hinted that Josh and I might not be that far behind them.

Part 56: When I’m with You, Part 2
We went to Chris and Corri’s big wedding reception a few days after the ceremony. The Picnic League performed a surprise rendition of Sheriff’s “When I’m with You” for the bride and groom.

Part 57: The Happy Gnome
I celebrated my 30th birthday at a restaurant called the Happy Gnome with close friends and family. A couple weeks later, Josh gave me a belated gift that he hadn’t had time to finish. It was a beautiful pencil drawing that he’d titled “Besar,” which means “to kiss” in Spanish. I gave myself permission to trust my gut on buying a house with Josh.

Part 58: Did I Still Have It?
I’d decided to run the 2007 Grandma’s Marathon to prove to myself that I still had it at thirty. Unfortunately, the race didn’t go very well, but I picked myself, dusted myself off, and went to a wedding that night. I even managed to dance, so I decided that I did still have it after all.

Part 59: Crappy Anniversary
On July 3, 2007 (what would have been my two-year wedding anniversary), I saw the movie Once with Josh, Chris, and Corri. It struck a nerve with me, and I had a miserable evening.

Part 60: A Rather Epic Conversation
I finally started therapy, and I realized that my fertility issues had been bothering me more than I realized. I saw a specialist who couldn’t find anything wrong with me. My biological clock was ticking so loudly that I decided to talk to Josh about timing before buying a house together. He said he’d be ready for kids in 3-5 years.

Part 61: Bound for the ‘Burbs
After I’d had a chance to think about Josh’s three-to-five year procreation timeframe, I decided to tell him how exactly how I felt. I pretty much wanted to have a baby tomorrow, and while I knew that was extreme, I was hoping he’d meet me somewhere in the middle. He was, and we had an offer accepted on a cute little starter home.

Part 62: What Makes a Family?
Josh and I started to get to know each others’ families more. We were both the oldest of four, and our parents were all still married to each other. After my divorce, it was a little scary to get attached to his family, but didn’t let that stop me.

Part 63: Plain Old Peace
One year and two days after I left my ex-husband, Josh and I closed on our house. Shortly thereafter, our washing machine broke down, and we found ourselves at Sears, buying a new front loader. As I stuffed a load into the new washer, I smiled. “Truly,” I thought, “God must get a real kick out of watching people rise up from rock bottom to plain old peace.”

Part 64: More Official than a Mortgage
Around Thanksgiving 2007, I realized that I did want to get married again. Life had been good since we moved in together. I brought up the issue of marriage with Josh one night, and he kind of laughed it off. The last thing I needed was to get into a situation where I wanted more than he did, but maybe I already had.

Part 65: State of Love and Trust
A week after I brought up marriage, I asked Josh what he was thinking, and we got into a discussion about our different communication styles. He needed more time to process things than I did. A few days later, he wrote a letter to me on his blog in a post called “State of Love and Trust.”

Part 66: Our Little Family Grew
In December 2007, Josh and I adopted a rescue puppy named Juna, a tiny white puffball who quickly stole our hearts. We may as well have been married, what with a Christmas card, a big tree, and the challenge of celebrating with both of our families. A few days before New Year’s, Josh and I hung out with the picnic league crew, and I had a really hard time because it seemed like everyone was having babies.

Part 67: Getting in Shape
I kicked off 2008 with a bang by getting a new job and going off the pill. We weren’t ready to try to get pregnant, but I wanted to get in shape for it. I backed off on my running and tried to gain some weight. I suggested to Josh that we go on a vacation, but he wanted to spend our money on practical things for the house.  I was still feeling impatient, but I tried to just enjoy the little things.

Part 68: Man Christmas
Josh and I got into our first substantial fight after his annual March Madness party, and I was relieved to learn that we fought well. I worried that I’d’ made a colossal mistake by shacking up with a commitment-phobe. The next weekend, his 22-year-old brother got engaged on spring break, and I didn’t take it well.

Part 69: Norman Rockwell
The weekend of my 31st birthday included a dinner out, a Twins game, and a Mother’s Day brunch. Josh and I fought some more about the state of our relationship, and he accused me of ruining the romance. On Mother’s Day, I had a wonderful time with my family, and it got me thinking about the would-be family I’d lost when I got divorced.

Part 70: He Surprised Me
Just when I’d accepted that Josh would only get engaged on his own terms, he surprised me by saying we could start trying to get pregnant. I didn’t know what the future held, but I finally knew that Josh was serious about his future holding me.

Part 71: Waiting for Something Good to Happen
On Father’s Day, Josh and I celebrated with both our families. Hilary was pregnant again, and Andy and Alex were planning their wedding. Little did anyone know that we had our own plans! While we waited for something good to happen, Josh and I planned a trip to Napa.

Part 72: The Hypothetical Baby
I still had babymaking on the brain, So naturally, I got to thinking about what would happen IF it actually worked. Josh and I had a serious discussion about whose name the baby would have if we weren’t married, and I surprised myself by realizing that I was willing to change my name again. We decided that if we got pregnant, we’d go ahead and tie the knot. The last week in June, Josh unexpectedly got laid off. All plans were off.

Part 73: Best Days Ever
You simply must read this one!