*****

Driving home from the city tonight, station-hopping the radio, I came across a local station’s music program for the evening: Best-ever Break-up songs. Yup, they were taking requests.

Hopped on my phone for a bit of Blackberry-Roulette (don’t tell my parents!), and texted in a couple of requests. [...]]]> Today’s cross-post is from Liz Lobster, blogger at tata20s.

*****

Driving home from the city tonight, station-hopping the radio, I came across a local station’s music program for the evening: Best-ever Break-up songs. Yup, they were taking requests.

Hopped on my phone for a bit of Blackberry-Roulette (don’t tell my parents!), and texted in a couple of requests. The nasty stuff, ya know. All from my “Wallow” playlist on iTunes.

*Phone rings*

Caller ID with area code from all the way ‘cross country…

Strange.

Turns out the local radio station wasn’t broadcasting all THAT local tonight, and Mr DJ had decided to give me a call:

“Hello, this is DJ Blah-blah from La-la FM. Whom am I speaking to?”

“This is Liz Lobster.”

“You requested Cee Lo Green’s song “Forget me?” Could you just stay on the line for a bit so we can chat with you…”

“I’M NOT GOING ON AIR!!!”

“Why not? We just want to ask you a couple of questions about your break-up…”

“No thank you. Privacy and sensitivity issues.”

“We won’t ask you any embarrassing questions.”

“Don’t care. Thanks, but no thanks.”

“But…”

“Good bye.”

(click “end call”)

Here’s the thing:

Today was the day on which I updated my Revenge Strategy. I’m talking Revenge on the Ex. It just sorta happened, you know.

Until recently I believed that—and was often quoted as saying—“The best revenge is looking good.”

To my surprise, I learned this morning from a source that my ex-husband (with whom I have very little contact) is indeed driven mad with regret…not so much because of the fact that I’m looking better and happier than I ever have…but because of the kindness and grace I’m still showing him on the few occasions we do have contact. Word on the street is that it’s hard for him to know that he let such a great girl slip through his fingers.

So, in Five Simple Points, I came up with some thoughts on Post Break-up Revenge that I wanted to share with all ya all:

• Work at getting back to your pre-bitterness, kind, sweet self. A break-up or divorce can drive you to do and say nasty things. Reality check: by being bitter, the person you are hurting and spiting the most is YOU!

• Rediscover your own identity, your own interests and passions. Chances are that you sacrificed a lot of these things thinking it would please your ex. BORING! Get down with exploring the world of music, art, literature, sports, hobbies…redefining your identity (Read: moving on) is sure to drive him insane.

• Make a point of not discussing your ex in a negative light in the public sphere. Sure you need to vent and rage about the injustices he/she’s done you to your close friends/a therapist/your mentors. But here’s the thing: your friends don’t really want to read Facebook status updates about the bitch your ex cheated on you with. Nope, we don’t want to know that you caught them together in bed (on returning to her place unannounced to collect your stuff), and that her new bf has a real tiny *#&@. Do public insults and rants make your friends rally behind you?  Not so much. More likely they’re a bit embarrassed and sorry for you. More importantly: it just makes your ex feel relieved and glad that they got rid of you. Unless that’s what you were going for…?

• Find ways to regain your confidence. You are awesome! Just because. You don’t need a partner by your side to make you worthy. Yes, starting a career in Serial Dating and Rebound Relationships and rubbing it in his/her face is beneath you, girl/dude! All that does is to get you stuck in a cycle of bad relationships. Confidence comes from being content and happy with yourself, and having ambition to build the character that you value.

• Focus on a goal outside of yourself. You always wanted to make a difference in some area—now’s your chance. Not only will it keep you focused on a positive goal, but there’s also a load of confidence that comes from knowing that you’re making a contribution somewhere in society.

• Looking gooooood! Oops, that’s number six. But I can’t leave that one out. So here it is: take care of yourself. Get into shape, lead a healthy lifestyle. Block out temptations to self-harm. Starving yourself will only lead to your friends pitying you, and a cranky you. Repeat often: “I will be good to my body.” Nothing says “I’m okay without you” like a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

Moral of the story: hatred, self-pity, self-harm, and nastiness only generate feelings of pity, embarrassment, and distance in your friends (and your ex). The biggest loser: YOU!

Nope, we want the ex to woefully think of us as “the one that got away.” The one that was too good for them. The one they didn’t really deserve.

Without having a personal Revenge Strategy Planning Meeting, I’ve started working on these points. It feels good. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m looking goooood (IMHO).

Also, revenge is not very high up on my priority list anymore. Actually, I’ve decided not to spend any energy on that purpose. The joke was on me: I’ve rediscovered my self—the self that wishes no one any harm.

Yes, my ex-husband seems to regret what he’s lost in me. But the truth is that I only wish him happiness.

Maybe I should forward him my thoughts on Post Break-up Revenge?

*****

Thanks to Liz for sharing this post with Divorced Before 30! If you didn’t catch her first post here, “There’s an App for That,” go check it out!

Readers, Liz wants to know: What post break-up revenge strategies have you employed?  How did that work out for you?

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”

I’m (mostly) in that camp. In fact, I’ve been trying to decide whether [...]]]> As agonizing as the divorce process can be, most of us come out the other side with relatively little permanent damage. In fact, after we’ve had time to gain some perspective, many of us feel that we’re actually stronger than we were before.

I’m (mostly) in that camp. In fact, I’ve been trying to decide whether it’s time to stop writing about divorce—whether this blog has run its course. My everyday life has little to do with the topic. I’m busy chasing kids, working full time, and trying to eek out a few hours of sleep in between. In essence, I’ve recovered. And yet, I realized this week that there is one sneaky lasting effect of my divorce: indecisiveness.

I don’t trust myself to make decisions. This mostly applies to big, life-changing choices, but sometimes it’s just the stupid little things. It feels more comfortable to let someone else decide, and honestly, I’m missing my most recent therapist right about now (it’s been nearly four years since I last saw her). Do I need to go again? Maybe—I don’t know. I can’t freaking decide!

Why do I attribute my indecision to my divorce? Because in hindsight, it’s so clear that I made the wrong decision when I decided to marry my ex. It was a HUGE decision, and I made the wrong choice. The self-defeating part of my brain extrapolates that experience to other areas of my life, and then WHAMMO, I am paralyzed by the inability to choose a course of action. I tell myself that I suck at making decisions.

One thing is clear: I need to make a decision about next steps for this blog and my unpublished memoir. I simply don’t have enough energy to do everything I want to do right now. In my heart, I want to move forward, but my brain has me making my way through the labyrinth still.

*****

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”

This weekend, I went to my hometown with my parents and one of my brothers to attend a fundraiser for the wrestling club that my [...]]]> Right after my divorce, it was pretty hard for me to “keep my chin” up, as they say. Hold my head up high? That took months, and in some ways, years.

This weekend, I went to my hometown with my parents and one of my brothers to attend a fundraiser for the wrestling club that my three brothers participated in for years. My dad was a coach, too, and I spent hours of my youth watching wrestling practices and tournaments. The smell of wrestling mats will be with me for life.

At the fundraiser, which was held at the small-town golf club, I ran into my former piano teacher, my middle-school principal, several people from my high school class, and of course lots of my brothers’ teammates and their families. Isn’t it funny how people look so different and yet exactly the same? And how you can remember people’s names after you haven’t seen them—or even thought about them—for twenty years?

As we were driving home, I couldn’t believe how relaxed and happy I felt.

“You know,” I told my family, “I used to hate running into people from high school.”

“You mean right after your divorce?” Mom asked.

My divorce hadn’t even crossed my mind. “Well, yeah, but even before that, too. But now it’s totally okay. Fun, even.”

What’s the difference? I simply know who I am now. In high school, I was really involved and probably seemed to fit in, but I wasn’t really comfortable in my own skin. I don’t think I really came into my own until I moved home after my divorce. After going through something so epic in my twenties, I had a totally different perspective about who I was and what mattered to me.

For a while, it really bothered me that I might be judged for being divorced, but I came to realize that I didn’t really care. And you know what? Most people didn’t—don’t—really care. Life happens. Every family has its drama, and your divorce news will only be an interesting tidbit of gossip for so long.

Going home has never felt better, and I wish the same for each and every one of you.

*****

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”

*****

I blame Bikram.

I’d just spent a year in Iraq, not wanting to come home to face the music.  I cried secretly in the bathroom as I reread bookmarked pages of the now-cliche Eat, Pray, Love and wondered if I could ever [...]]]> Today’s guest post is from Aubrey, a 27-year-old woman who recently went through a divorce.

*****

I blame Bikram.

I’d just spent a year in Iraq, not wanting to come home to face the music.  I cried secretly in the bathroom as I reread bookmarked pages of the now-cliche Eat, Pray, Love and wondered if I could ever bring myself to end my marriage.  Failed attempts at marital counseling had led me to binge eating and retail therapy, pacifying my guilt for even contemplating the d-word.  I sought quick happinesses to quench my perpetual sadness.

My friend, Laura, had a free pass to her Bikram yoga class.  Knowing how depressed I had become, she invited me to join her for my first-ever yoga experience.  In a freaking SAUNA.  I went, and I nearly passed out just from standing in the room for an hour.  I felt physically sick, a manifestation of how I’d felt for nearly two years.

I don’t know if it was the cleansing effect of the yoga, or perhaps a dehydrated hallucination, but everything became clear to me.  I thought about the six years we’d spent together, in reality nearly five of them spent apart.  We’d married young, wanting to be stationed together in the Army, and then grew up and apart, independent of one another.  We became so different we didn’t speak the same language.  The spark was gone, and we were both in a state of utter denial.  I craved a connection I’d lost, knowing it wouldn’t come back to me again.  Finality.

That night, I asked for a divorce.  I couldn’t stand the heavy silence anymore.  I couldn’t cry; the hot yoga had sucked all moisture from my body.  Maybe that’s why I was able to articulate without breaking into sobs.

I’ve never attempted Bikram again.

*****

Thanks for the great post, Aubrey! Readers: You can follow Aubrey on twitter, or check out her fun blog, Adventures in Aubreyland.

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”

*****

So, this past week I had the extremely satisfying opportunity of advising my ex-husband to invest in a certain iPhone app (see [...]]]> Today’s guest post is from Liz Lobster, who describes herself as an Über-Bookworm, Writer, Clown, Philosopher, Realist, Idealist, Cynic, and PANK (Professional Auntie with No Kids). She’s recently divorced and about to turn 29.

*****

So, this past week I had the extremely satisfying opportunity of advising my ex-husband to invest in a certain iPhone app (see picture). Nope, I’m not a cruel *#&@ just waiting for a chance to get back at him. He really walked into this one…

Sunday morning. I return to my car after taking a run on the mountain trails…and there’s a missed call on my phone from my ex-husband.

GWR, as he is now labelled on my Caller ID. STRANGE, haven’t heard from him since the divorce…both of us going our separate ways as one is fortunate enough of being allowed after a divorce when you don’t have any kids together.

Confused, I return the call but get no answer. So I text: “You were trying to get a hold of me?”

As I plunk myself down in my bff’s kitchen, getting ready to help with the prep for our Sunday lunch, I get the following text reply from GWR:

“Was just missing you wildly. You were one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it *#%& out. I guess it’s post-drunken-blues talking here…”

BACK STORY:

At this particular moment in my life I am running mountains, partying the night away, trying to get over the fact that my best guy-bff (now labeled as Judas Iscariot on my caller-ID) has just decided to hook up with the Wicked Witch of the Western Province…AGAIN!!! Like really? She’s screwed YOU over before, she’s screwed ME over before, and that goes for pretty much everyone we know. And yet they “have developed feelings for each other again.” SERIOUSLY!!!

Lamenting and mourning the loss of this bff (this acronym sounding quite ironic right now), while anxiously awaiting “national kick-a-ginger-day” to get in a good dose of Schadenfreude at the WWW’s suffering (VERY desperate for revenge, because let’s face it; Ginger-discrimination is a load of nonsense made-up by people without lives of their own), while translating Sicilian curses into English and then appropriating them for effectiveness on a woman… (“May your fingers turn into fishing hooks, and your balls start to itch…,” I say no more), thinking that I’m NEVER going to get over this…

I get a text from my ex-husband, essentially telling me that he now realizes (MUCH TOO LATE) that I’m the bee’s-knees, and that he is missing me. Wildly.

Goodness, what a reframe. While my ex-husband is moping around at home thinking of me…I’m already heart-broken over another man…

Another man who will also, given time, realize that I am Wonder Woman…the best thing that’s ever happened to him. It will be too late by then. But I will have moved on with my life, and will hardly remember him.

Smacked in the face with this realization resulted in me CRACKING UP and folding over with laughter! Was obviously forced to share the story with my long-time girlfriend who was chopping onions at the kitchen table at that moment, puzzling over the ‘Toronto blessing’ that had suddenly overcome me. And then…we both ended up rolling on the kitchen floor with laughter… Literally. Washing the floor with the tears-of-laughter streaming from our faces.

My reply to GWR: “Ha ha, MUST BE post-drunken-blues. My advice: go have a little lie-down and wait for the feeling to pass. Also, there’s this iPhone app I’m highly recommending…”

*****

Thanks to Liz for the guest post! Please visit her at her brand-new blog (you’ll find this post there as well), tata20s: saying farewell to my twenties.

Your Turn

• Do you have any similar texting stories with your ex?
• Do you know anyone who could use this app?

In case you missed it, I was recently featured in a great article on YouBeauty.com: “Young and Divorced: How to Bounce Back.”

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story here, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”

Unfortunately, I didn’t know anyone in “real life” who I could talk to about divorce, at least not in the “been there, done that” sense. It wasn’t until I started blogging that I connected with [...]]]> When I went through my divorce nearly six years ago, I wasn’t on Facebook yet. Twitter? Hadn’t even heard of it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know anyone in “real life” who I could talk to about divorce, at least not in the “been there, done that” sense. It wasn’t until I started blogging that I connected with others who had been divorced. I took great comfort in reading other people’s blogs and was touched by the readers who wrote to me saying that my story resonated with them.

This week, I was able to connect two women (shout out to N. and J.!) who had a lot in common in terms of their stories (unhealthy marriages all around, plus some special circumstances in common). I’d never met either of these women, but I had connected with each of them via this blog, Facebook, and/or twitter, and then I “introduced” them. The power of the internet, people!

My point is, please don’t go through divorce alone! This week, I started a “link love” page where I’m collecting relevant links. If you have a divorce-related blog, please let me know about it. If you’ve thought about starting your own divorce blog but don’t feel like you have the time, I’d love to host some of your writing here!

Head on over to check out the links, and don’t be shy about connecting with me or the other bloggers. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing information about your divorce online, you can always use a pseudonym on blogs and/or Twitter.

“Common experience is the gold reserve which confers an exchange value on the currency which words are; without this reserve of shared experiences, all our pronouncements are checks drawn on insufficient funds.”
—Rene Daumal, French writer

*****

Your Turn

• Are there any other blogs or sites that I should add to my links page?

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”

You may feel like the most unlovable [...]]]> In my experience, people often report that they’re actually stronger, happier, and more self-confident after their divorces. However, if you’re in the ugly thick of things—whether that’s negotiating your divorce terms, mourning the loss of your supposed life partner, or facing a financial disaster—that idea might seem downright laughable.

You may feel like the most unlovable person in the world. Or the stupidest, depending on what happened. Perhaps you suspect that—like Humpty Dumpty—your heart can’t be put back together again. You may feel like your friends and family (who are no doubt trying to encourage you) don’t know jack shit about your pain (they probably don’t).

Well, here’s another really annoying person telling you that—guess what, Sunshine?—things will get better. You’ll always have a scar from this particular life event, but it will fade. And like a physical scar, you’ll grow less aware of it over time. Oh, it will still be there, and maybe it will even hurt once in a while when the weather is changing, but you will rise above it. You will.

One day, you’ll wake up and realize that you’ve been given a fresh start. Sure, you have some new baggage, but it doesn’t need to hold you back. You can check your baggage, metaphorically speaking. You were born to do something extraordinary (Yes, I’m serious!), and maybe, just maybe, living through this horrible experience called divorce will help you do it with even more brilliance.

So, I ask you: What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? Don’t waste any energy fearing failure. Don’t waste any fearing success. You get to decide what’s best for you now. You get to make—maybe break—the rules.

*****

Your Turn:

Have you reinvented yourself since your divorce? Or is everything still too new?
Do you have any goals that you haven’t had the courage to say out loud yet?

Keep the guest posts coming! If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! If you haven’t already, please visit Divorced Before 30 on Facebook and click “like!”