Divorced Before 30 » Divorce

Why a Breakup isn’t the Same as a Divorce

Emma — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:14:41 +0000

A breakup can be brutal, no doubt about it. But it’s not the same as a divorce, and here’s why:

In a breakup, you (hopefully) don’t need to hire a lawyer or appear in court. While a breakup could involve a restraining order or a financial dispute, generally speaking, there aren’t any legal implications to splitting up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

In a breakup, you’re not judged for failing to uphold some moral standard. Well, hopefully you aren’t judged when going through a divorce, either, but there will always be those people who have a holier-than-thou attitude about it. Half of them will end up divorced, and when that happens, you will graciously resist the urge to fire off a snooty one-liner because you’re classy like that.

In a breakup, you don’t need to change your name. This is also true in some divorces, but quite often, one person changes his or (usually) her name. Five years after your divorce, you’ll still be receiving junk mail addressed to your former self. Thanks for the reminder, dear credit card company!

In a breakup, you don’t need to decide what to do with your wedding ring. It’s much, much easier to purge an ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend’s CDs, clothes, or piece-of-shit couch than it is to part with something that a) cost an arm and a leg, b) once meant something pretty damn significant, and/or c) is shiny and beautiful.

In a breakup, you don’t get permanently labeled. There aren’t any checkboxes on forms or documents that say “dumped,” but once you’ve been divorced, you’re part of a club, like it or not. Even if you remarry, you will always carry that “D” with you on some level.

In a breakup, you get to move on without the need to explain yourself to potential mates (unless you feel the need to recount the travails of your epic love life on every first date, but I don’t recommend that). Once you’re divorced, you inevitably need to discuss your marital history with your new love, and he or she may or may not have a problem with it.

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I Want to Know

What did I miss?
What are some other reasons a breakup isn’t the same as a divorce?
Do your non-divorced friends ever try to compare a breakup they went through to your divorce?

Would you like to tell your separation or divorce story? Divorced Before 30 takes submissions! Visit me at my other blog, emmasota or find me on twitter @emmasota. And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!

How Divorce Affects Future Relationships

Emma — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:21:21 +0000

A while back, I asked readers to weigh in on the following question: In what ways has your divorce affected your current behavior when it comes to dating and relationships? The responses that you submitted varied greatly, from feeling as though divorce has taught you what to avoid, to having lingering issues with trust. Your answers no doubt depend on how long it’s been since you and your ex parted ways and other circumstances about your split.

The #1 way that divorce has affected my current relationship is that I see marriage as less of a “destination” and more as an ongoing (hopefully lifelong) process. It’s not about the wedding; it’s about the day-to-day life that you build with someone who is your friend, partner, and lover. You’re not stuck together—marriages can be undone, after all—but if you’re lucky and you work hard at it, the two of you can create something worth sticking around for.

Here’s what the rest of you had to say about how divorce has affected your relationship outlook:

“I’m more comfortable with me. I’m more willing to speak my mind.”

“I am desperate to avoid the same pitfalls, so I overthink everything I say to my boyfriend. I am overcautious not to be ‘unfair’ to him, and I obsess over making this one ‘right.’ He’s patient, but he does have to tell me, ‘Hey, I’m not him, and this is different.’”

“I was bitter for awhile, many months. I went to a wedding a month after my separation and I hated being there. I thought the whole ceremony was a fraud, and I was in an unhealthy mental state at that point. When it comes to dating, I’ve been very cautious. I’ve done my best to make sure I don’t have a ‘rebound,’ but I’ve met someone amazing. I was friends with him before my marriage fell apart, and after my separation, we became better friends. Suddenly, I realized he was my favorite person in the whole world. We are extremely compatible and mature. If anything, divorce taught me how to think rationally about relationships. I’m taking everything very slowly.”

“I won’t repeat the same mistakes twice. I have learned so much from my divorce and past marriage and I apply them all the time to my relationship with [my boyfriend]. It’s making us much more successful!”

“I don’t commit and cling right away. I am getting out there and meeting different people. I feel like you won’t know who Mr. Right for You is if you just bait and hook the first man who gives you attention. I try to work an equal balance between my career, son, friends and men! It is definitely a challenge. I admit, though, that I have been seeing someone for about five months now and he and I both feel ready to be a bit more serious. Fortunately, he also is divorced and understands why I want and have to be careful.”

“I appreciate all of the big and small things my 2nd husband does for me. He does such an amazing job of respecting me, and it’s wonderful. I ain’t ’bout to forget it!”

“I was told unexpectedly one day by my husband that he no longer wanted to be married. The next month of my life, he wouldn’t allow me to touch him, wouldn’t sleep next to me, “forgot” to answer his phone, and would hardly come home at night. Trust has become the number one issue for me. I was married to a man who was the kindest, most loving, considerate, and trustworthy man. My family and friends adored him. He had high morals, good values, and loving traits. I, nor anyone else, would ever have suspected him of cheating. However, he did. And it hurt very, very bad because it was something so unexpected. I never saw it coming. So, I have a very hard time trusting people in my life. I feel I always will because you never know when someone will just ‘switch.’”

“I have found that I crave physical connection, not sex necessarily, but just being close to another man. The last week, I realized that I am rebounding, hard! That thought made me realize that I wasn’t wanting another man; I was wanting intimacy. So now I am trying to cultivate intimacy (not of the sexual nature) in my important relationships (mom, dad, brothers, best friend). I don’t know when/if I’ll date again, but I’m determined to be happy regardless!

*****

I Want to Know

Do you have any advice for readers who may be feeling insecure in a new relationship?
How about advice for readers who feel like they’ll never be able to trust another romantic partner again?

On Rebounds

Emma — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 12:13:53 +0000

I enjoyed a recent Huffington Post Divorce post called “Dating After Divorce: Rebounds and Supernovas” by comedian and writer Juliet Jeske. We all know what a “rebound” relationship is, but what about a “supernova?” Jeske writes, “I call the first major relationship after leaving my husband the supernova—a collection of stars exploding all at once vaporizing everything in their path, burning bright, hot and fast. It was a force of nature—so much bigger than a rebound.” Beautiful and yet so dangerous, right?

Jeske hit rock bottom after her supernova, struggling with depression and anxiety. She provides some pretty sound advice to other recently-divorced people, pointing out that another person—a new lover—can’t rescue you from the emotional fall-out of divorce. Truly, it takes time to recover, and many people are probably better off waiting to date. I totally agree. And yet, I dove into what could have been a “rebound” relationship just six weeks after my divorce. I’d been on a couple of dates in the interim, but my first post-divorce relationship got serious almost immediately. Mistake? For me, no. In fact, this week marks five years with Mr. More-than-a-Rebound.

Why did it work? Maybe it was just dumb luck, but I think there were several factors that helped:

I was the one who initiated my divorce, and emotionally, I’d been “done” for months.
I was already friends with my new love interest before my divorce (and before my marriage, in fact).
I wasn’t afraid to talk to my new love about my marriage.
I didn’t talk about my marriage to my new love all that often.
My new love was extremely understanding and didn’t feel threatened by my previous marriage.
I didn’t pretend to be entirely over my divorce.
I was proactive about taking care of myself and pursuing important personal goals like getting out of debt.
I set boundaries about how often I stayed at my new love’s place.
I made an effort to spend time with my girlfriends and my family.
I went to therapy to work through my divorce and wasn’t afraid to admit that I needed it.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the right person at what seems to be precisely the wrong time. Maybe it will explode dramatically, supernova-style, but it could also turn out to be the real deal. I am grateful for the amazing five years that I’ve had with my Mr. More-than-a-Rebound, and I look forward to many, many more.

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I’d love to hear from you on this!

Have you had what Jeske calls a “supernova” relationship after your divorce (or a bad break up)?
Or, like me, did you dive into a new relationship that has since lasted?
How long did it take you before you felt emotionally ready for a new relationship after your marriage or serious relationship fell apart?

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! Men are welcome, too! If you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!

That Damn Trojan Horse

Emma — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 03:22:48 +0000

I remember learning about the Trojan Horse in high school Humanities class while watching an old-school, melodramatic film on the Trojan War. As the story goes, the clever Greeks made it into the city of Troy undetected by hiding in a giant wooden horse. Hmm. When the time was right, they emerged from their hiding spot to raise havoc.

It’s entirely appropriate that a common type of computer virus is called a “trojan horse.” I have had the unfortunate experience of such an attack this week, and I haven’t felt so aggravated in a long time. I asked an IT guy at my office what to do, and he noted that while it’s relatively easy to keep viruses at bay with antivirus software, it’s often really tricky to get rid of them. Great.

Isn’t this what happens when a marriage gets sick? Some kind of problem—emotional distance, infidelity, dishonesty, etc.—plants itself in the relationship before one or both people realize it’s happening. Once everything comes to a head, it’s often too late to repair what’s broken. I don’t know about you, but I felt really stupid for not seeing the sneak attack in my marriage for what it was. And I am sure as hell going to be better about scanning my netbook from now on.

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I’d love to hear from you on this! Was there a “Trojan Horse” in your marriage?

How Men and Women Cope with Divorce

Emma — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 20:19:58 +0000

At last weekend’s Minnesota Blogger Conference, I stood in line for coffee next to a man who helped organize the event. We exchanged names and blog titles, and when he heard Divorced Before 30, his ears perked up. “You know, it’s interesting,” he said. “Women start all kinds of really specific blogs to share their life experiences, whereas most guys don’t share in that way.”

That got me thinking: How do guys share difficult life experiences like divorce? I reached out to a twentysomething guy who is divorced to find out. Let’s just call him “Guy.” Here’s what he said.

Emma: Since your divorce, who have you talked to the most about your experience? Why do you feel most comfortable talking to that person?

Guy: Since my divorce nearly two years, I really haven’t spoken to many people about the experience. At first, my parents stayed involved in my life and provided support but it has waned as time has gone by. I’m an introvert by nature, so I wouldn’t bring it up with anyone; it had to be forced out of me.

Emma: Aside from talking about it, what coping mechanisms have you relied on to get through the experience of getting divorced?

Guy: I waited way too long to express my thoughts about the divorce. As I became depressed more recently, I took the steps to start seeing a therapist to help with my inner thinking. I think this is helping and I am more optimistic about my future, but the divorce and memories of it still do affect me to this day.

Emma: What did your guy friends do to show their support after you and your wife split up?

Guy: My friends gave me condolences and such, but they never really brought it up with me. I don’t know if they were afraid to, thought I wouldn’t want them to or what, but I haven’t had any deep conversations with any of my friends.

Emma: In your experience, what’s the biggest difference in how men and women process a divorce or other significant break-up?

Guy: I believe women are more open to expressing their feelings and having long conversations following a break-up. This may be genetic fact. Men do not tend to express their feelings openly using blogs/writing/etc. In the end, I think the way men and women handle a break-up is an intensification of their personality before the break-up.

The phrase “this may be genetic fact” really jumped out at me. In general, I’ve always felt that men who don’t open up are simply doing so to torture the women in their lives. Seriously. So it was serendipitous that I came across an interesting study this week. The headline, “Males Believe Discussing Problems is a Waste of Time,” caught my eye.

It turns out that even during childhood and adolescence, males see little need to talk about their problems, though sometimes it may be helpful. Females are often inclined to talk about their problems too much (no surprise there), and this can lead to depression and anxiety. The research suggests that males and females probably ought to meet somewhere in the middle.

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What do you think about Guy’s perspective? About the psychological study? Comments are always much appreciated!

BTW, one reader (named “Unsure of what to do”) left a comment on last week’s post looking for some marriage advice. Go check it out!

Getting Your Name Back

Emma — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 13:31:04 +0000

When I got engaged, I wrestled with whether to change my name. My fiancé (now ex-husband) felt bad that I even questioned taking his last name, but at age 28, it felt weird to give up something so personal, so me. In the end, I decided to have two last names—basically, hyphenated, but without the hyphen. This turned out to be a huge pain in the ass. Nobody got it right. Not only was it a mouthful, but it was hard for people to remember. Credit card companies invariably got it wrong.

The moment I realized we were headed for divorce court, I wanted my old name back. If we’d had children together, I may have considered keeping both last names, but since we didn’t, it was a no-brainer. Having my ex’s last name was a constant reminder not only of him, but also of my own perceived failure. This was one of many reasons that I chose to pursue a divorce as quickly as possible.

With divorce documents in hand, I quickly hit up the DMV, the Social Security office, and the bank. And when the updated documents and cards arrived in the mail, I tore and cut up the old ones with vigor. Getting my name back felt like one small victory during a time of great emotional and financial distress. My rightful surname restored, I swore that I would never give it up again. No way, no how.

Every once in a while, I still get a piece of mail with my former married name on it. It doesn’t have the same effect on me that it once did, but that envelope is quickly bound for the recycling bin nonetheless.

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How about you? Did you and/or your spouse (or former spouse) take each other’s names? If so, did you (or would you) want to go back to your premarital names?

Gina: Cutting Photos in the 21st Century

Emma — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 01:03:33 +0000

Today’s guest post is another from Gina, who recently wrote about some of the less than stellar things friends did and said while she was going through her divorce.

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Today my ex and I talked on the phone, which we frequently do. In fact, people are surprised at how often we talk. But that’s the thing. We’re GREAT friends. Definitely each other’s best friend. We were just crap husband and wife. So we still chat a couple of times a week and text a bit more than that.

For all that, we don’t talk about anything real. We talk about his work and my job hunt. How the dogs are doing, who we’ve been hanging out with. That sort of thing. So everyone keeps asking me if I’ve talked to him lately. And when I calmly say, “yep, just this morning,” they look at me funny. Because they think we’re talking out real stuff. Not understanding that we barely talked about real stuff when we were together. Why the frick would we start now—just for extra torture? No thanks.

But I did feel a bit guilty that in the 6 weeks I’ve been gone, we’ve never even discussed the decision. We’re just living it. So this morning I bit the bullet and asked: “How are you feeling about this whole separation thing?” The response was a bit tragic, but probably good. He said that for all it’s been difficult and he misses me and he misses the dogs (emphasis on the dogs, by the way), he said he hasn’t had a moment of OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?! And I had to admit that I felt the same way. This whole thing sucks beyond belief and I miss my life. But I don’t think I made the wrong decision. My heart isn’t broken.

And when we got off the phone, I was a bit uplifted somehow. Like any thoughts in the back of my mind about some half-baked effort to get back together—on either of our parts—was out of the picture. I also have to admit that my ego took a hit. I always kind of felt like I did the leaving. It was a mutual decision, but I felt 51% in control of it. I also thought that it would be he who might try to reconcile. And his voice had no reconciliation in it. No hostility, but no reconciliation, either. I was uplifted because it felt like permission to really move on. We still haven’t talked about dating others or timelines for legal paperwork or any of that. But that stuff will come. We’ve decided that it will.

And so we get to the topic at hand: my rather odd experience as I cut him out of my life. Well, out of my photographed life. And it struck me that there would be no overly dramatic teenage angsty moments with scissors, a shoebox and a lighter. I mean, besides a couple of framed wedding pictures, who has actual pictures? Not me. I have an Apple TV. A glorious, entertaining, Apple TV. I’m a HUGE fan. My itunes library is on my TV. My music plays while my entire digital photo library scrolls as the screen saver. I just love this. And it’s amazing when book club is over. You get people to look at your photos without being too obnoxious about a slide show. But I haven’t turned on my Apple TV in a month. The last time I did I started to cry.

Because, of course, he’s in 80% of the photos. So after our phone call and my relatively content sense of closure, I cut him out of my pictures. Well, I went through my ENTIRE photo collection and I put all the pictures of him in a separate file, no longer scrolling on my TV. Even the ones where I looked really good.

It’s not that it makes me too sad to look at him. It’s more like the images make me miss the life I had. Seeing the places we vacationed together, the friends we visited. The pictures of him make me think: Now I don’t have anyone to do fun things with. They make me feel really alone.

But no more. After a sore neck and a few hours, my pictures now scroll and only remind me of my friends, puppies, and beautiful places. And I love Apple TV again. Here’s to new pictures.

*****

Gina wrote this post six weeks after splitting up with her husband in 2009. Her divorce was final in 2010.

How about you? What have you done with photos of your ex after your divorce or break-up? How do you feel about being friends with exes?

Gina: How Do You Know it’s Time for Divorce?

Guest Blogger — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:39:38 +0000

Today’s guest post is from Gina.

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After 6.99 years of marriage, my husband and I finally came to the conclusion that something wasn’t working. It was an interesting conversation—held during a 10-hour drive returning from what was a very nice vacation: no fighting, no blow-ups, just relaxation and good friends. Perhaps the lesson is not to spend time alone with your spouse in confined spaces.

Either way, we’re heading home and in about the first 15 minutes of the 10-hour drive, we begin to discuss what I’d been calling my “existential crisis.” You know, the one we all have at some moment when we realize we’re on this continual rise of ambition that really only brings more stress, earlier heart attacks and all the ipods you can stand. And a conversation from existential crisis quickly went from, “why are we working for something neither of us really care about” to “we’re on a different path.” And that was that.

Looking back, there were certainly more indicators that led up to that conversation. A conversation, I might add, that was a little bit teary but also funny, amicable and resigned. Not altogether bad, given the circumstances. And since we had that conversation, a mere 3 weeks ago, I’ve been trying to figure out if 6.99 years was too long—if there were signs I should have heeded long ago. And here is the list I’ve recalled so far.

How to know when it’s time to consider divorce (not an exhaustive list):

Your incredibly faithful husband (no doubt about it) has dinner with a work colleague you’ve never met and never heard of. Named Susan. And you fly off the handle for no real reason at all. Well, there is the reason that she’s quite obviously a hootchie bitch. But whatever.

When your husband stops constantly traveling for work, you manage to get your alone time by never actually being in the same room as him when you’re home together.

(and this one should have been easy) When your husband, for whatever reason, no longer wants to have sex with you—ever. By the way, this one can make you homicidal when you tell your most intimate friend and she says “I know, Bob and I realized it had been almost 3 weeks since we had sex!” My droughts lasted about 4-8 months, depending on when I finally made something happen.

When you begin attending couples counseling or reading books recommended by either Oprah or Dr. Phil. Neither of whom seem to be in good relationships, I might add.

When you find it so hard to imagine leaving your husband, but you want it so much, that you actually play out in your mind what it would be like if he died in a horrific accident. (I know, I know. I’m headed straight to hell. And not just for that.)

You begin to fantasize about the guy one of the fancy online dating sites might match you with and if you might make it to one of their national advertising campaigns. After all—they do judge on 32 levels of compatibility.

You begin to wonder if an open marriage really might work out. And reading articles about it online. And browsing the streets for guys who look like they might be ok with a purely sexual relationship for no money.

You have an existential crisis, and the worst person to talk to about it happens to be the person who is supposed to know you best and care about you the most.

And now that I’m here, and dealing with the logistics of separating lives that are seemingly irrevocably intertwined, I wonder if I could have found a list that would have told me whether or not I should have gotten married in the first place. It’s possible it should be illegal for anyone under the age of 30. I’ll let you know if I figure that one out. Until then, I’ll post my journey through separation and divorce. Oh, and now I’m single with three dogs. Thank fucking god they’re not cats. That would just be sad.

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Gina wrote this post shortly after separating from her husband in 2009. Since then, she has embarked on the single life in a new city. Her divorce was final in 2010.

How about you? Have you experienced anything on Gina’s list?

If you would like to share your own divorced-before-30 story, please check out the submissions page! And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!

Karen: Rock-Bottom Divorce Blues

Guest Blogger — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 03:02:30 +0000

In today’s guest post, Karen writes about some of the lows she experienced while going through her divorce.

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I stood in the window of my third floor apartment, gazing into the parking lot below. Overwhelmed and exhausted, I’d been in my new place for only a week and still had boxes everywhere. I should have been unpacking but I couldn’t tear myself away from the window. My eyes darted back and forth until I saw that old familiar red car pull slowly up to my building. My heart raced and I held my breath as I watched him climb out of his car, unlock the trunk of mine and place a box inside. I waited for him to look up so our eyes could meet one more time but he kept his head down instead and quickly drove off. Knowing that would be the last time I saw my husband, I fell into the couch sobbing after his tail lights had faded away.

The devastation I felt going through a divorce was only magnified by feeling utterly alone in the divorce world. While I was trying to figure out what divorce paperwork I needed to file while attempting to avoid daily meltdowns, I was surrounded by friends who were in love, newly married or on the verge of heading down the aisle. I felt like a huge failure and an outcast.

A couple months after that fateful day, my best friend visited my new apartment and announced that she was going to be getting engaged soon. She was completely in love and they’d been discussing marriage. I was happy for her even though my own heart was still broken in pieces. She wanted my opinion on engagement ring styles. I glanced down at her slender, delicate ring finger and knew what we needed to do. So, off we went, a soon to be divorced friend with her soon to be engaged friend heading to a jewelry store on Valentine’s Day!

Four years before, I stood in the same jewelry store with my soon to be husband and we picked out my engagement ring. We were giddy and happy and I was full of hope for our life together. An indent where my ring used to be was the only reminder of our few years together and the heartache I never saw coming. I was in a fog as I watched my best friend float around the store, trying on diamonds. How could our lives be in such different places?

Even though all of my friends were embarking on their love stories as mine was abruptly ending, I found an amazing group of women online who were just like me—young women going through a divorce before they had children. The day I found them, I felt like I’d been thrown a lifesaver. Reading their stories helped me realize I wasn’t alone and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Not only was I going to be able to survive divorce, I was going to conquer it!

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Karen Jerabek is the co-author of The Mini Marriage: 5 Bite Sized Memoirs of Young Divorce
www.TheMiniMarriage.com
www.Twitter.com/KarenJerabek

If you would like to share your own story, please check out the submissions page! And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!

Natalie: How Divorce Made Me Stronger

Guest Blogger — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 01:07:46 +0000

Today’s guest post is from Natalie. Like jobo, she writes about how divorce made her stronger.

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I got divorced after three months of marriage. The situation was full of red flags before I got into it, and it got even worse after the “I do’s.” It was so brief that I really thought I could move on and not ever worry about it again.

But I didn’t fit with the singles, and divorced people didn’t give me much credit because I hadn’t suffered enough, so it isn’t any wonder that I found myself getting married again just a year later. Luckily, he is a fabulous man, and this summer we’re celebrating four years of marriage.

Getting divorced and suddenly being a part of a group of people who have endured a common pain led me to a few certain truths:

I find myself encouraging marriage to skeptics because divorce isn’t the end of the world. And marriage done right can be amazing. I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it.
I tell teen girls that movies like Twilight are horrible because they deserve to be treated well by a man at all times. That passion and being “someone’s personal brand of heroin” is one thing, but being treated nicely and wonderfully by someone is better.
I am cynical and jaded. But I still love a good love story.
I’m aware that my life will be full of big mistakes that people will judge me for. That my life is best lived in the open. Nothing is certain.
I try harder to make my marriage work, knowing what is on the other side of the door—though also understanding that what is on the other side of the door isn’t the end of the world.
People or “friends” who judge and criticize aren’t worth it. Dump them.

Even if I’d like to ignore all the madness that happened, I’ve decided that I am better off with these truths. I’m better off having learned them. Perhaps I am more empathetic, perhaps I am stronger. Perhaps I am more open to possibilities because I learned at 21 that life is so uncertain.

I’m not glad it happened, and if I could go back, I would totally change things, but I’ve accepted it and understand how it shapes me now. What have you learned from your divorce?

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Natalie Wardel is a writer in San Diego. She works in public relations and marketing during the day and gets her MBA at night. She lives with her husband and puppy. She writes daily at The Bobby Pin.

If you would like to share your own story, please check out the submissions page! And, if you haven’t already, please connect with Divorced Before 30 on Facebook!